Scribes – April 20th 2000

by Lerako on Apr 20th, 2000

Hello, taffers! (TTLG strikes again),
I couldn’t help but notice that big changes are taking place with Perfect Dark. To whit:
A) You’ve modified the RAM pak stats,
B) you’ve dropped the Game Boy Camera option, and
C) you’ve pushed back the delivery date to another tentative “May(-be) day”.
All of which suits me fine: I already have a RAM pak courtesy of DK64, my face is far too ugly to incorporate into the game anyway without giving Goldeneye’s Dwayne a good run for his money, and May would nicely coincide with my birthday, so hopefully I won’t have to buy the game (poor-but-honest uni student as I am).
But I am sure that many more people will be writing in with their identical urgent comments on this, and so I feel it is my duty to join my voice to theirs to express what we’re all thinking:
PERFECTIONISTS THOUGH YOU MAY BE – THERE’S NO NEED TO SPEND SO MUCH TIME, BLOOD, AND ENERGY ON MISTER PANTS’ THREE DIMENSIONAL MOTION CAPTURE!!!
We love him just the way he is! Namely, flatly 2D, and crudely drawn by some crazy Rare staffer with too much free time and heavy fast food dependency problems! It’s prudent of you to withdraw the possibly-controversial GB Camera option, and it’s necessary for you to incorporate the RAM pak if that’ll bring your players the enjoyment they expect, but PLEASE let me tell you that it’s OKAY for you to release the game with Mr Pants as 2D as ever before!
So spare yourselves the sweaty heartaches [sic], the fiercely argued board meetings, the despondency of impossible deadlines, and the regrettable delays by simply leaving our favorite survey .gif file the way he was!
I am confident that this letter, joined with the force of the myriads like it to follow, will convince you all of the unnecessity of resolving this final, insurmountable hurdle in the development of Perfect Dark. Come fellow Scribes! It is time to let Rare know that Flat Pants rule!!!
BenjaminCJHu, Durham
PS Does Jo Dark have a twin sister? If she’s not busy, could you give me her phone number and email address?

As I write, PD is thundering through the production process and the level of Pants involvement remains a mystery even to me. I seriously doubt he’s in there as a playable character (it wouldn’t be quite in keeping with the style of the game, and besides, nobody’s asked me to supply Mr. Pants motion capture – which is just as well as I’d be pretty offended) but he may yet pop up in a cameo role. Don’t bet on it, though. I suspect little things such as eliminating bugs and lock-ups took priority during the final stages of development. Tsk, programmers, eh?
PS No. And before you ask, we haven’t got that model’s phone number either.

Ear Scribes,
I counted the “arses” in all the past Scribes and, correct me if I’m right, there are over 300 instances where this wonderful word has appeared in one form or another. I also made a chart and found out that an average “Scribe” has nearly 14 arses. And those who are opposed to the use of this word should pray harder because the arses have increased with each Scribe since September and has reached number two in the Arse-Scribe chart.
Dagur Ammendrup
p.s. Thanks to Rare for delaying Perfect Dark until after my exams 🙂

I can’t believe you spent so much… actually, wait, yes I can. After almost two years of Scribes I can believe pretty much anything. Um, good work, or something.

Dear Scribes,
I have just one quick thing to say. I have been patiently awaiting the release of Perfect Dark for many summers now (as much as possible; I already bought a Memory Pak in anticipation), and one day I learn that it has recieved an ‘M’ rating for blood and gore. It didn’t phase me at all until I got the specifics (screenshots). I was horrified. Not that I don’t like it, it is just that that stuff will NEVER fly w/ my parents. Never. So I just ask that you try to find out if there will be a blood/language/gore editor so we can tone it down when the parents are home watching you play. Please! If there won’t be, then suggest one! If you don’t, there will be many fans just like me who have been waiting a long time who will never get to enjoy the masterpiece known as PD.
Desperate

There’s paintball mode for negating the gore content, as we’ve mentioned before, and also a language filter for harsh words such as “bitch”, “damn”, and “blimey”. Activating both of these features simultaneously causes all the enemies to become tea-loving pacifists and all the speech samples to default to “Do you want a jam tart, love?”
Well, alright, it doesn’t, but it should. And while that handy pair of options serves to cut out more or less any ‘objectionable’ material within PD, remember it’s still a Mature-rated game and not intended for anyone below that age bracket.

Dear Scribes,
Even though I heartily agree with Jeffro on the ignorant Mr. Tripedox (Scribes, 4-13), I must confess I don’t like the way that he portrayed this imbecile as being Southern. I am from the south, and don’t think this generalization should be used. The inbred part… correct. Sexist… correct. Ignorant… correct. Southern… well, I doubt it (I could be wrong). This Tripedox must have a serious case of “I have nads, however, I still feel mighty feminine and if I play a female character, then my nads must surely be absorbed by my body and relocated to my chest to become breasts” syndrome. I really feel that instead of ridiculing Trip, we should try to help him. My suggestion is that he wear a dress for one day, followed by wearing his normal clothes one day. He obviously is unsure of his own sexuality, so maybe he should swing on both sides of the fence for a couple of days and see where he is more comfortable. I will even go so far as to guess that he probably wears pretty lace nighties to bed. Oh well, hopefully he will find the help he needs without having to walk around all day with his hand in his pants for reassurance that he is male. Is this what happened with Mr. Pants to earn him this nickname? Hmmm.
JohnnYcat

No, he’s called Mr. Pants because he wears a pair of big red comedy pants. Any attempt to search for deeper levels of significance is madness.
No reaction from old Tripedox as yet, but I’ll be sure to let you know if he has anything to say about your suggestions (assuming any of it’s printable).

Dear Scribes,
Holy smokes! I didn’t create a witty intro, Shame on me. Anyway, several things:

  1. I don’t blame ya fer takin’ out the scanny facey thing in Perfect Dark. I mean, whenever some weirdo gets thoughts of violence they’ll use you as a scapegoat. Ain’t that stinkagen?
  2. Why is the pole in DK64 there? Please, answer truthfully, before I have to spread dumb rumors (i.e. = if you collect every banana and everything and beat the bosses without being hit once then the super Rare platinum banana will come out of there and if you get it then all this cool stuff happens, bla bla.)
  3. Conker’s Bad Fur Day. What possessed you to take a perfectly good game and turn it into South Park? Aw shucks, I’m sure it’ll be great, despite the fact my parents will smash it into tiny pieces.
  4. It is a question that has plagued us all: Why do you call him Mr. Pants when he isn’t wearing any pants? I know you’re going to say “Underwear is pants, ya know, underPANTS.” then go on to talk about some British lingo, so I guess you should ignore it.
  5. About what percentage of letters get printed? I want to know because if you print this I owe my friend 15 pounds (I even put in pounds, aren’t I nice?) Oh yeah, don’t you hate 2 pence? I mean, they just flood your pocketbook pretending they’re cool or something.
    Well, that’s about it, see you in Stuffsville.
    -The Chocolate Pixie
  1. ‘Stinkagen’?
  2. ‘Pole’? Anyway, that rumour happens to be absolutely totally 100% true. True as a big fat true thing. What? You don’t believe me?
  3. We’ve already been through this. And that’s what parents are there for (unless you’re over 18, in which case it’s a bit weird).
  4. Okay.
  5. ‘Pocketbook’? Not over here, mate. And the 2p piece is just about the only one that hasn’t shrunk over the last few years, so there must be something fundamentally cool about it.

Dear Scribes,
Never written in before (not sure if this is the right address), but I hope this letter gets printed; if only for the fact that it eschews any kind of “When’s it coming out! When’s it coming out!” release date-related nagging.
Anyway, I was taking a stroll down memory lane the other day, playing Banjo-Kazooie, and it inspired me to send in a few questions, so here goes:
(i) In Banjo-Tooie, will the characters still retain their ‘unusual’ form of speech?
(ii) You know DK Mode in Goldeneye? Well, how about ‘B-K Mode’ in Perfect Dark, where all the characters are given various speech patterns from B-K! Or, maybe it could give all the soldiers those humungous ‘ping-pong ball’ cartoon eyes? Okay, that might be a little bit too disturbing, but N64 owners the world over would be in stitches for months!
(iii) The last cheat-related question, and definitely the ‘piece de resistance’: well, you know how the soldiers in Goldeneye sneezed every now and then? Well, if I asked reeeeally really nicely, ‘pretty-please-with-a-cherry-on-top?’, can you make the soldiers on PD fart? Imagine the potential: there are a large number of guards together. If one farts, the others can look around and blame each other. Or if Joanna farts it can alert the enemy to her prescence; adding a critical new element to completing the mission succesfully. Being fluent in the ways of ‘arse’ as you undoubtedly are, you must agree that the wonderful world of toilet humour has yet to be touched on in a 3D first-person shooter. I understand this may undermine the serious atmosphere of the game, but I’ll buy you a pint if you do.
(iv) Last but not least, on a more serious note; will the Slayer’s secondary function of fly-by-wire guided missiles be available on multi-player? This alone would be worth 50 quid.
Thanks for your time and patience!
rsm2@canterbury.ac.uk
P.S. S**t happens, but your arse never complains.

(i) Certainly did last I heard. Hang on, let me rope in the PD designer for the rest of the questions…
“(ii) Oh oops, too late. And anyway, nothing could be as amusing/disturbing as ‘Team Eyes’, where it makes all of the characters’ eyes red and bleary, prompting the enquiry ‘Can you actually see out of those?’.
“(iii) Yes, of course. We’ll do anything you say. Thank you for such a lovely idea.
“(iv) Uh, yes. Why would it not be? £50 has never been so easy. Except for that time when… no.”

Dear Scribes,
I know you’re probably tired of hearing about the face mapping being removed from PD, but too bad! Anyway, I have a clever idea that will make everyone happy: Make 2 versions of PD, one with face mapping and one without. In order to get the version with the face mapping, you’ll need to sign a lot of papers that say Rare is not responsible you if you kill your friends and stuff like that. Then, you can’t get sued. Isn’t that plan genius?!
-scott1@limpbizkit.com

Erm… no, not really. In fact this plan of yours seems to be what the word ‘impractical’ was invented for.

Dear Scribes,
first thing i like to say thanks making the KISS ASS game goldeneye. next thin couirous about is release date for Perfect Dark in Austraila. At the moment it gonna be in US arond about June i think. Also thanks for making Jonna Dark look so HOT!! that she makes Larra Corft look so borring with her revolver pistoll comparded to Jonnas ROCKET LUNCHER!!!.
S & J Longwood

It took two of you to write this?

Dearest Sirs,
Your games have spun my life on an alternate course entirely. Never cared for videogames really, total rubbish, and, obscene waste of time until GoldenEye entered my field of binocular vision with spectacular results, that is.
Apart from maddeningly rapid pulse, and flummoxed ego, I was in love.
This was it. This is what these silly games should do. Involve you. (Don’t get me started on the level design and gameplay depth and customisable everything I mean c’mon, a 16:9 Anamorphic perspective?)
Since buying a system and popping in a fresh copy of Banjo-Kazooie, as GE007 was conveniently out of stock everywhere I went, I have become a confirmed Nintendo Junkie.
No one is to blame, of course. It will pass.
JET FORCE GEMINI by the way, transfixes me in perpetuity.
Thanks for the fish.
Chadwick Nelson

Erm… that’s alright. Thanks for… er… saying that stuff. I think it’s mostly positive (though I can’t say for sure because it’s still only 11am and I don’t really wake up until after midday).

Greetings oh wise writer of the Scribe…
In the tradition of writing crap questions so you can reply with witty answers, I hereby submit to you some crap questions. Hope you enjoy them:
1) Conker’s Bad Fur Day – this is officially not a joke right? I was expecting you to leap out on April Fools and say something, but nope, you said nowt. In which case, will it actually be a good game (ala Banjo) or a crap game (ala Conker’s Pocket Tales) but with more blood and swearing?
2) Banjo Tooie is looking fantastic – but what’s with the sudden dark streak all of a sudden? Donkey Kong 64 was extremely gloomy most of the way through, taking place in caves and castles and so forth… it just wasn’t as fun as the mostly sunny and cheerful Banjo… (Yes, I am making a pathetic argument about how simulated weather conditions affect gameplay).
3) Why does Chunky look like Tommy Cooper? (No really, that other person was right, he does!)
4) Will Rare be submitting their 3D model of Donkey Kong to future projects by other developers, or will they leave them to their own devices (eg. Mario Party 1 & 2, Smash Bros.)? 5) Okay – give it to us straight – will the Dolphin be better than PSX 2 and Dreamcast? No release info, nothing like that, but is it easy to program for, therefore attracting a large number of developers (like the N64 repelled). It would be nice.
And in the infamous words of Chunky Kong “Spoonjarjarspoonjar!”
—Fryguy—
PS. You should market Mr Pants like wildfire. Do you not realise the money-making potential of a stick man and his pants? However, I would imagine you’d mentally scar a generation for life. We’re talking bigger than Pokémon here…

1) Not a joke, no. And you’re asking us to say whether one of our own games is going to be good or crap? Is this some kind of freakish PR test? Let’s just say the death sequence alone raises more than a few sniggers…
2) Eh? Maybe those last four screenshots were a bit gloomy, but what do you expect when one’s set underwater and another two inside a factory?
3) You’re both mental.
4) Dunno. Depends whether they ask, I suppose.
5) Personally I have no idea, and going round questioning people who might know would probably get me beaten to death with NDAs (stuck to big wooden clubs).
A fine set of useful and informative answers there, I thought.

Dear Scribes thingy,
I’m the person who found those darn key combos. I know it’s a shame to release them for anyone who hasn’t played the game, but I did it anyway because I wanted the fame (I won a t-shirt for it, y’know).
Anyway, you shouldn’t hate Action Replay/Gameshark type people too much. Sure, we mess with your damn code everywhere but I’m sure as hell never going to use it on a game I’ve not completed. Anyone who actually uses those things for cheating must be a bit crap.
I hope you aren’t too angry at me.
Dr Ian

Angry? Why no, my dear boy! Why would we be angry? Far from it, in fact – we’d like to show our appreciation of your long-term patronage by inviting you to a slap-up meal in this small, dingy room with spikes sticking out of the walls. Come on, in you go, I’ll be waiting next to this big lever…

Dear things don’t sell well, Mr Editor thingy.
I know that K. Rool is the evil bloke in DK and he’s obviously not got a shred of humanity in him (and why should he? He’s not human) but did we really need that profanity from him? When he turns up at the end he’s supposedly saying thank you. I am not convinced. It seems someone has slipped in a certain four letter word instead of thank and made the sample ambiguous enough (under the pretence of reptilian speech) to slip past the censors. Now is this addressed at the Kongs or did the person who voiced K. Rool just have a bad day?
I am now about to blaspheme. I do not think Jet Force Gemini is perfect (cowers in corner away from expected attacks from JFG zealots). Frankly when I beat Mizar at that point, I was mightily miffed when King Jeff turned up and gave me the bad news. Why couldn’t I just slay the bloke right there and nick the ship part off him? I couldn’t be arsed to go back and trawl through saving little rectangularly headed bears. Which is why at the moment it lays uncompleted. I will generate the strength soon enough to go back but couldn’t Jeff have told Juno at the beginning oh by the way make sure you rescue those little fellas or you’ll be mightily peeved in a while.
Is there any chance of using Scribes as a forum to induce a change in society from base 10 to base 2. I tried to explain to my maths teacher years ago how it would be natural if we were taught it from an early age and the obvious advantages in being able to count up to 1023 on our fingers. Alas he was too foresighted to recognise the true potential of this revolutionary idea.
Disturbingly I’m starting to feel the urge to do a mock up cover for Mr Pants 64. Now if someone as relatively sane as me (note the use of relatively) is tending towards this then it’ll only be a short while before you get a manual for said game in the post, complete with warranty card.
Then you’ll have no choice but to make it…
J. Edwards

Here we go, pots-in-Mad-Monster-Mansion-graveyard syndrome again. Even if we were tempted to try and slip the odd bit of random swearing into our games (come on, we’re only human – and British), with so many people involved in the testing and approval processes it wouldn’t stand a chance of going unnoticed. So I can assure you that in the world of Rare 3D platforming, only Conker’s BFD involves general sweariness (no, we still don’t count ‘hell’), and most of that’s bleeped out anyway…
It would have been pointless for Jeff to ramble on about getting all the Tribals on your way to Mizar’s Palace because you just can’t do it first time – several of them are tucked away in places that only a specific character can reach, and not necessarily the one who visits the level first. Now stop being so mean and go rescue the little fluffy tinkers.
A manual for Mr. Pants 64? Don’t give them ideas.

Dear Scribes,
In GoldenEye on the Streets level, I had known that the enemies shot each other to death quite frequently, however, I just noticed last week that in the Control Center after the alarm goes off, they tend to kill each other sometimes as well. So here goes: 1) Are there any other levels where they can shoot each other to death that I haven’t noticed? 2) Why in Control do they only sometimes kill each other and other times simply absorb the shots like every other enemy in the game? 3) In Perfect Dark, will all the characters in it be capable of killing each other by accident or will they actually be smart enough not to shoot their own?
Well, that does it for the questions. Also in Control, for anyone who hasn’t spent hours up in the very top level, walk into the vent where the body armor is (also where Boris runs) and when the enemies follow you in, they shrink. Gives one the sense of shooting midgets. It’s good for a laugh.
Okay, I’m done. Arse.
Nick Enos

Just one more for Mr. Designer, then. I’m trying to cut down on hassling him. Honest.
“1) They shouldn’t actually be able to kill each other at all. Unless explosives are concerned. And then, as Mr. Weller once said, ‘That’s Entertainment’.
“2) It’s still probably to do with explosives. I can’t answer you definitively because I have no idea what you were actually doing. Thank God.
“3) They tend not to shoot their own guys.
“There’s a certain amount of disbelief about the shrinking enemies here. But it was over two years ago, so…”

Hello Rareman,
Does there happen to be a code or secret in Diddy Kong Racing to use James Bond as a racing character. My friend told me about it and I didn’t believe him. But when I went to his house he wasn’t lying. I asked him to tell me how he got it but he wouldn’t tell. Hell of a friend, huh? I was wondering if you could clear that up for me.
Your adoring fan,
James Clavin

So you’re asking us whether or not this code exists, even though you’ve just seen it up and running? Sort of weakens your story a bit. Did Bond happen to be driving around in the nude as well? Now that’d be good – two cheats in one, you see. Fantastic.

Dear Scribes,
I really enjoyed playing Banjo-Kazooie it kept me occupied for quite a few weeks and the game board at the end of the… er game was unique but enough of me bragging on, I’ll get to the point.
Gruntilda will be in Banjo-Tooie (she said so) will her assistant Klungo be in it too? Her long armed lunatic popped up in places in the game (places which you will know about so I won’t mention them) but I reckon he would have done well to have been a mini-boss. Could you tell me if he has an expanded role in Banjo-Tooie? Thank you.
All the best
Baden

Klungo will certainly be back, and he’s a minion on a mission this time around. That’s all I’m saying. Wait until E3 for the full juicy ‘blowout’…

Scribes,
What can I say. Lots of assorted things… ahh crap. I’ll start off by firmly shoving my nose up your netheregions. You guys 0wn. I’ve bought -almost- every game you’ve produced for the N64 at least and they’re all brilliant with GoldenEye obviously standing out a mile. Something I’d just like to get off my chest and my only gripe with the game… there’s no clipping on explosions. Normally a thick reinforced concrete wall would hinder the impact of an explosion against one’s body… though somehow those darned flames manage to penetrate and permeate through even the thickest of walls. I don’t want nor need an explanation, I just thought I’d point it out. The real reason for my writing was to provide this cover art (see attached) which might inspire you to release the future game… MR PANTS. Retrieving the 300 ant heads in JFG enables the Ants as Pants mode which gives endless amusement (yes I’m probably that disturbed but then again, he’s your smegging character) as I blast away at the unnecessarily large red y-fronts. I think it’d be a step in the right direction to provide your public with a brand spanking (who knows what old Pantsy gets up to in his spare time… who wants to know) new game… perhaps a racing one a la Diddy Kong Racing.
That’s pretty much all I’ve got to ramble on about. Thanks for your time. (Provided you took the time to read this… in which case you didn’t… bollocks to ya.)
Cheers,
Psaph

Charming. I wonder how many people would buy DKR: Pants Edition if we just shovelled a few Mr. Pants sprites in there with five or six variations in pant colour? Probably not many, but it’s a nice thought. Oh, and if you’re not interested in any kind of excuse for the explosion-clipping business, I won’t even bother trying to think of one. Cheers.

Let’s get it on.

  1. I’m sick of people saying BFD is a mature game. The game is not mature. If anything it’s a game. The ratings board people recommend that only mature (read:older) people play the game.
  2. Tooie. Don’t bother with crap compilations of your old games. If you can’t make better use of your time making new ones than it’s time to call it quits.
  3. I read on I(gnorant)G(aming)N(etwork) that you and Nintendo are having a little tiff. Awwww isn’t that cute. Hahahaha.
  4. Since the Stamper brothers are such big-wigs around there I think a game should be made in their honour. Super Stamper Brothers. The game would consist of the bros. going around destroying other developers. First it would be Titus, then Acclaim finally leading up to the end battle with Nintendo. That battle would of course destroy the world.
  5. You guys should move your HQ to Canada. We also put u’s in places they don’t belong. And as an added benefit I could come terrorize… Er should I say visit you everyday.
  6. Will we see some screen shots of BFD at E32K?
  7. How long a break do the people that work on a game get from the time they finish a game until the time they begin the next project? Or do you just kill them off once they have become useless?
  8. Ate. Pie and Pants. One is a delicious treat, the other comfortable clothes. What flavour pants do you like?
  9. Will this be answered before PD comes out. Before August 2003?
    -Flyersfan
  1. “If anything it’s a game.” Well, yes. I don’t know what you’re talking about, but there’s no denying that bit.
  2. Something tells me you haven’t managed to get 5000 in Jetpac…
  3. You call them ignorant but still believe every word they say? I salute your lightning thought processes, sir.
  4. I… I’m not saying anything. It’s the only safe option.
  5. No, we put the u back in its rightful place after others have brutally hacked it out for no reason. Do you see?
  6. At least, I’d say.
  7. Never all that long – it just depends on how far advanced the plan for the next game is.
  8. Dandelion & Burdock, sir, the flavour of champions.
  9. You smell.

Dear sniff Scribes:
Mr. Pants has… sniff… has been… arrested… for the murder of Mr. Trousers.
Police Report:
A stunning and sudden development in the search for murderer, Mr. Pants. The police received an anonymous phone call as to his whereabouts. The anonymous phone call was made at around 10:37, December 12, 1999 and the ambush was assembled by 11:18 p.m. Mr. Pants is in prison for one count of murder, that of Mr. Trousers. His trial was held on January 14, 2000. Mr. Pants was found unconscious, apparently drunk. “The important thing is that we captured him, and now he is ready to serve his life sentence, and he no longer poses a threat to the community,” said the warren.
-Warren Juno

The warren? Eh? He was arrested by a bunch of rabbits? This whole thing’s getting weirder by the minute. Why would Mr. Pants want to kill Mr. Trousers? Mr. Trousers doesn’t even exist. And I thought it was Mr. Pie who was battling alcoholism… Either you lot are getting your stories twisted, or I’m doing a better job of blocking out the endless Reader Pant Facts than I thought.

So then, where were we?
Ah yes, to address your response to this message:

  1. Do you rather people give you a numerical list of questions or just throw them into a paragraph? Or perhaps bugger questions altogether and learn to live in ignorance?
  2. Well then, I’d have to say what was the reason that Perfect Dark was delayed from April 11 to May? A bit of tweaking, what what? I had been told by an obviously totally unreliable yet mysteriously infallible source that the game was “solidly locked” at April 11. I suppose that just goes to show that one should not rely on totally reliable and infallible sources.
  3. I suppose for that I ought to ask if that Joanna Dark model in the commercial works for Rare? Possibly she is some unlucky devil’s sister? And will she be boxed with the game in place of the expansion pack?
  4. Whoosh… umm, what would happen if the entire Rare team got p*ss drunk and decided to stop by my flat?
  5. Why?
    Yes, well, that seems to cover it nicely. Seeing as how you’re out of answers I suppose that I am finished.
    Oh yes, almost forgot: you all do a bang up job, I’ve stolen and/or rented all of your games, and despite some readers’ pleas I thank you for upping the violence of PD without making it into a Turok.
    Jordan Carver
  1. I’d have said I had no preference before I started answering this latest column and found every other letter to be a big list of sodding questions.
  2. There’s very rarely a single specific reason for these things. We just need to make sure that everything’s finished, polished and in proper working order. There’s no going back once the game’s released, after all, and people are going to be playing it for a long time…
  3. She’s a pro. Professional, that is. Ahem.
  4. The floor would collapse, for a start (unless it’s a really big flat).
  5. Why not?
    Right, my turn for questions now. And what I demand to know is this: are you any relation to Bond villain Elliot Carver or PC Jim Carver from The Bill?

Hi-diddly-ho, Scriberinos!
Yes, DemonChild is right, Lanky is French, but only half French. You see, it all started way back when in one of those nameless wars that the Americans started. Jaques L’arbe was on a war tour in Spain and was kind of a… well, “ladies’ man”. One night, after getting tanked up with an old war buddy, Tanktup, Jaques was randy as a mink and went out to a night club, where he met Juanita Sanchez. One thing led to another and Jaques and Juanita started a beautiful relationship. When the war was over, Jaques and Juanita got married after giving birth to young Lanky L’arbe. Lanky was raised learning both French, Spanish, and English, which makes him a tri-langual Kong. Lanky shows his Spanish heritage by his jumping cry, unlike DemonChild misunderstood, when Lanky jumps, he is not saying “Au revoir”, but in fact “Agua”, Spanish for water, which makes sense, since Lanky is the best swimmer of all the Kongs.
Here is photographic proof of Lanky’s parents, Jaques and Juanita.
Now here’s a 100% true story that’ll creep the arsenoodles off ya.
When I first came to Rareware.net and saw Mr. Pants, I was dumbfounded, because when I was very, very young, I had made what I thought was the best cartoon character of all time… HatMan. HatMan’s not a super hero or anything, he just wears a hat and has a striking resemblance to Mr. Pants!
Here’s a pic of what HatMan looked like. (Done on Microsoft Paint, for alas, my poor, poor computer is scanner-less.)
Well, see you.
Matt Stefaniuk, Sadistic Monkey Extraordinaire

Why are you doing this to me? Still, thank heaven for small mercies – your picture of Jaques got horribly corrupted somewhere along the line so I only had to suffer Juanita and bloody HatMan. No no, it’s fine, I can live without it. No, really, I insist. I insist quite violently.

Dear Scribes,
In Goldeneye you guys have several crazy things on the different in game computer monitors etc…. But there is one screen that I noticed the first time I played the game. And have been curious about it ever since. It’s the little anim of a skateboarder (in green and black I think) pushing along. This image is very close to that of an intro to an old skateboarding video ‘Ban This’ (around ’89 ish).
Did you guys put this in as an influence from this video??? If not then why have you got a skater in there? Is one of the team a skater (or used to skate)? I would be more than interested in your answer as I skate myself, and am interested in what some of you guys do besides make video games.
Thanx for any response.
cte — UK

Apparently it was just a very easy two/three/four stage animation that the team could stick in, and their unnecessarily tall lead programmer obliged by ‘skating’ (you can tell by the proportions and the hunch of the shoulders). This was in the days before Mr. Pants was around to bring his exotic dancing skills to the table, obviously.

Dear Leigh,
Is that name like Lee or something or are you a women. I’ve got it, I’ve the final proof of Perfect Pants, for attached to this letter are two shots of two of the characters in the game, American Pants and French Pants. You can’t deny it now can you, the game exists and there’s nothing you can say to change that the entire world knows about it. I love Rare, I love Scribes and so do the rest of us so please don’t deny this proof. I am currently looking for more info on Perfect Pants so it won’t be long till I found out the story line to it, to anyone that doesn’t know it’s going to be a secret game in an arcade somewhere in Perfect Dark.
Yours, faithfully,
De marvellous Rico Ricardo

No, we can’t deny it now that you’ve spent ten minutes knocking up a couple of wonky sketches. If that’s not irrefutable proof, I don’t know what is. How many women do you think I am, by the way?

Dear God,
I sit here with a set of valid Rare-related questions and point that I wish to transmit to you via the psychic webway which interconnects the lands of this globe (or I might just use email).

  1. Rare are a British company, and although many Americans seem to think that Britain consists of only England, it does in fact consist of four countries. I was wondering, being of Scottish origin, if any, and if so how many, of your employees are Scottish. Although Rare HQ is based in England, I’d hope that you still consider yourselves British. (Yep, this is a boring question, but I am seriously interested.)
  2. I absolutely love Banjo-Kazooie (no, not like that), and I am looking forward to Banjo-Tooie just as much as Perfect Dark (I can hear the outcries already). Accordingly, this is a question about B-T, rather than the almost compulsory PD. It’s simple enough – will B-T have a futuristic world (to accompany the already obvious prehistoric one), with computers, and robots and stuff (think the Future Zone from The Crystal Maze, minus Richard O’Brien)?
  3. Could you please provide us with any more hints about B-T‘s ‘not what you’d expect’ multiplayer?
  4. Since BFD obviously has a major theme of film spoofs next to that of violence and bad language, and we have already heard about those of Saving Private Ryan, Jurassic Park and Jaws, will it include films such as The Matrix (‘Pants. Lots of Pants’) and The Terminator. To put it as the Americans would ‘that would kick ass’.
  5. What kind of films and games are the favourites around the Rare camp? And do any of you like the most underrated movie ever – Beetlejuice?
  6. Finally, does the change of Twelve Tales to BFD have anything to do with the fact that the Conker team are supposedly the Killer Instinct team?
    To finish off, I’d like to extend a heartfelt thank you to the Rare staff. I know you’ve probably heard this a million times, but your excellent games, with their unique brand of humour, longevity, imagination and originality have provided me with hours of enjoyment. That’s some great work you guys do, and I for one would prefer the frequent delays of games, and removal of ‘certain’ features, than lose any of the Rare quality and magic. I’d also like to say a special thanks to the Banjo team, for their magical cart full of joy, and a superb looking sequel, and a mention to the JFG team for the hilarious Jimmy Saville reference in JFG‘s ending.
    The Jinjonator
  1. Plenty of Scots. I can think of quite a few off the top of my head, including one I need to hassle about going to the pub tomorrow night. Thanks for reminding me.
  2. Well, there’s one like the Industrial Zone. Before they replaced it and brought in that Tudor-Pole idiot.
  3. Erm… no.
  4. If the team wanted you to know things like that just yet, they’d have made it common knowledge, you cheeky young scamp.
  5. We made a couple of games based on it, didn’t we? Yeah, it’s alright (but I think you’ll find that Fallen is the most underrated movie ever). And of course everyone loves The Matrix…
  6. They were originally, but there’s been the usual regular shuffling around since then so you can’t really make that kind of connection any more.
    And I’m sure the Jet Force team will be overjoyed that your one enduring memory of their game is of a stupid throwaway gag in the ending sequence…

Dear Scribes,
Hey give us some more screenshots…
aaarrrggggghhhhhhh
screenshots screenshots screenshots screenshots screenshots !!!!!!!
I can´t wait for that game, it is not very responsible to create that kind of game… We are cought in your web of original designs great gameplay and blood “pumpkin” action. We need that game right now. But then again. If you wait the game will be even better.
You realy got the power, not just the power… it is “THE” (with a hell of a lot presure) “POWER” (with even more presure)
Release it Release it Release it Release it Release it Release it…
We can´t wait.
Andreas

You are genuinely scary. We didn’t mean to catch you in our blood “pumpkin” action. Please don’t hurt us.

Oh Eee oh Scribes,
I bet you’re really fed up with Mr Pants now. At first, he was the loveable survey man, hidden at the Bites section of the site. Now, he’s become an international celebrity, and you never hear the end of him. It’s very unusual to see a letter that doesn’t have Mr Pants in it.
Mr. Trout… God help us all Anyway, I suggest a new survey man. Mr Trout. Now, Mr Trout is a trout, and although he may not be scientifically completely a trout, he is the perfect replacement for Mr Pants. As you can see, he wears a bowler hat, this is NOT a throwback to the inferior Mr Pants, it is just that fish must always wear hats. He is also (rather amusingly) wearing swimming trunks. May I present Mr_Trout.rpa (rubbish picture attachment) for your “enjoyment”.
Oh, you think it’s “Total and utter tosh”? Fair enough. I agree. Still, the Mr Pants letters will die down. Like Tiptup ones. Oh, and Arsetaps! Arsepalindromes! Arsepixels! Arsehats! Arsehandles!
Mecha Mr Ed
P.S. Must… resist… P.S…. Oh well. It’s like a drug, I just can’t stop doing damn P.S.’s!

Jesus. I never thought I’d say this, but roll on Snippets…

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