Scribes – February 21st 2000

by Lerako on Feb 21st, 2000

Dear Scribes,
Well another one goes to the dogs because of some incompetents. It’s really sad that some foolish individuals could affect society SO much that games are being modified because of their actions.
You see, I hold great respect for Rare as being the company that brings incredible games to the N64 market, and innovation is another key work when speaking of your company. I patiently await the release of your newest masterpiece Perfect Dark. But when my friends and I heard about the Game Boy Camera Feature, we exploded in laughter at the many possibilities: nothing problematic, and all in good fun of course. We thought of posing with humorous looks on our faces, as well as faces of some old Cartoon characters, and we even bought the Game Boy Camera in advance for this feature.
Now to hear that this feature has been removed because some children, who had more problems than just the influence of video games, is rather disappointing. You see, when a corporation such as yourself has to bend creative ideas to suit these individual kids’ actions, then they have achieved their goal: to turn all eyes towards them and get the attention that they are no longer alive to gloat over. My anger comes when I realize that they are getting exactly what they would have wanted. They have moved people, but moved them in a large way. They have shifted society with their actions, and even an otherwise harmless feature in a game has to be removed because of the few people out there that don’t fully understand what a GAME is.
I hope you might reconsider, or if not place a deep code in the game to open this feature. And perhaps only allow people that can read unlock it. My interest in Perfect Dark was 40% the great game, and 60% the multiplay features of which the face mapping was a large part of.
Thanks for your time.
Rey Barrera

Dear Rare,
First off let me say that I am currently giving sweet sweet loving to JFG and DK64 on my Nintendo 64 and on Gameboy I can’t wait for Perfect Dark uh… Pocket (?) and I’m having a great time. Real good job guys, you won me over.
Now for the bad news, you have my panties in a bunch over this face mapping feature in Perfect Dark. Here’s the thing, and I’ll be frank, I don’t want you being sued by the mother of a teenager who kills nine million people in some state I only see on calendars and blame it on the face mapping feature, let’s be honest… it would have happened, that’s why you took it out. No, I dont think it would be your fault the troubled teen decided to lay waste to his future based on playing a video game, that’s just silly, you and I both know that, but that doesn’t mean you won’t get blamed for it.
So here’s my solution, make a face edit function. See, you take a pre-made face and fool around with it to make it look however you want, I will instantly create original works of art that resemble various body parts and make me all happy and feel squishy inside. It’s too bad to have such an innovative feature taken out because of fear of losing your butt to super mom, but I think it’s the best thing to do. So could you ask one of PD team members if they love me and if they would put in a face edit feature?
Thanks, and I’m an American (can’t you tell?) so you’ll get no ‘Arse’ out of me or any of that limey talk.
Keep it up Rare, you’re my favorite developer and I can’t wait to play your games, so hire more people. 🙂
Oh, I’m done, damn…I thought I had something of importance to say…
Oh well, I love you, you make me happy. If Rare was a woman, I’d be a stalker.
lazyfatbum

That’s… nice. These are just a couple of the many, many mails we’ve had on the subject of PD lately, and on the removal of face-mapping in particular, as I’m sure you can imagine. And believe us when we say that this was not a decision we made lightly. However, the majority of people involved became convinced as time went by that this feature, however revolutionary, carried the potential to become such a negative factor with a view to mainstream publicity that we felt it would be unfair to jeopardise the standing of an entire game – and a massively anticipated game at that – in order to preserve one single element. Under the circumstances, the only safe option was to completely remove the face-mapping facility from the game and hope that the fans understood. Meaning no hidden codes, no slightly tweaked modifications, no inclusion in different regional versions: failure to remove it in its entirety would defeat the object.
Nevertheless, the fact remains that Perfect Dark will be a landmark game and an experience to treasure with or without Camera compatibility, just like GoldenEye before it. We’re sorry if you’re disappointed, but in all honesty, we’re only doing what we feel is right. Thanks to those of you who sent in your constructive and literate takes on the situation.

Dear Scribes,
First of all I must say thanks for wasting so many hours of my life when I could have been out havin’ a laugh! I have been a complete game head since the first bat and ball games arrived. I graduated to an Atari console and looked on in awe at the advance in games. Then came home computers, my first of which was the great ZX Spectrum. There were many great games for that machine, but shining far above the others was the revered Ultimate – Play the Game. And I played. I played them all, from Jet Pac to Alien 8, Trans-Am to Nightshade. In those years you took nearly a 70% cut of my pocket money!
Time passes, Ultimate fades, Rare steps in. It is now January 2000 and you’re still taking a large chunk of my income! I should have a space on my tax return for ‘Subsidies to game companies’. At this point you’re probably expecting a request for a massive 17 year loyalty discount, but no. I want something else.
Having just given me a massive flashback to the 80’s by sneaking Jet Pac into DK64, I want more! Give them to me. Give them to everybody. Bundle all the Ultimate games up into one Cart. The original game code can’t even total to 1.5Mb which gives you potentially 254.5Mb to build a Spectrum Emulator (though you might need to utilise the Expansion Pak!). Go on, how about it?
G. Brennan (Ward for the Terminally Gamed-Up)

I feel your pain. There’s just no time to fiddle about with the azimuth alignment trying to get ruddy Atic Atac to load these days, and as for emulators, weeell, it’s not the same without five minutes of screechy loading borders and a crap Interface II joystick. According to Mr. C. Stamper himself, there’s always a possibility of a compilation along these lines as we still own the rights to the Ultimate game celebs… but not just yet. The sad fact is it’d all be lost on the vast majority of people outside the UK, so for now let’s just hope that the idea of sneaking old classics up the jumpers of new games (á la Jetpac/DK64) catches on, eh?

Dear Rare,
I have noticed that in a lot of your decent Donkey Kong games (DKC, DKC2, DKC3, DKL, DKL2, DKL3, DK64) the titles to your levels incredibly include two words that start with the same letter (Balloon Barrage, Creepy Castle, Jungle Jinx, Jungle Japes, Gangplank Galleon). So I have a some suggestions for your next game:
Creepy Corpse: Since you nonchalantly murdered Wrinkly I decided you should make a level with a grave and decomposing body of Wrinkly Kong.
Moldy Monkey: Basically a dingy desert level that’s hot and stinky, the longer you take in this world the greener your charecter becomes and soon he’ll kill off the other monkeys if you’re not careful.
Aching Arse: Basically a big bonus game where you let your character sit for as long as possible in a nice stiff pew.
Monkey Murder: A horribly horrendous level where Diddy Kong goes around the level wielding a chainsaw and Donkey Kong must run away from the little lunatic (hmm… I suspect a little juicy jealousy jubilee over Candy Kong???)
{r@ppy Chamber Pot: A nice friendly level where you swim around a sewer system.
Well, what do you think, I think they are refreshingly real, convincingly comical and so superb.
No, seriously I really like your Donkey Kong games except please get the guy who did the music on DKC2 to do the music on your next game. PLEASE!!! The music on DK64 wasn’t at all what I know Donkey Kong’s music to be like, it was jumpy, bouncy and light but I have always known DK’s music to be darkish, melancholy and somtimes a little sad and I loved it. Ha! As if you’re going to listen to me. One teenager who doesn’t like the music on DK64. Oh well…
The Thiessens

Says: You’ve clearly got the alliteration thing sorted, even if you didn’t know the right word for it. But the likes of ‘Aching Arse’ are just a bit too simplified. What about, I don’t know… Aristotle’s Arsepipe, where you have to deliver enemas to a queue of ancient philosophers within a strict time limit? Or Acrophobic Arsemonkeys, where you have to lead a troop of buttock-faced primates across an entire level without using the jump button or going up any hills? Or…

Dear Editor:
I just have to tell you that Goldeneye is the best game I have played in my life-NO JOKE! I bought that game, what?! 2 1/2 years ago when it came out and still playing it! Still trying to beat the levels! I absolutely love it, it is the best game. Is there a new 007 game coming out soon?! I mean I will buy every game you produce! Are yall going to come out with one on the new one The World Is Not Enough? Oh man the boat scene and skit scene, that would be awesome. Oh and a clone of Dennis Richards, oh boy! But please write back and fill me in on a new 007 game. And if no plans are on the drawing board… well please start I guarantee you it will be best seller. I just wanted to let yall know what a great job yall did on Goldeneye, and if there are any plans in the future.
Sincerely,
Andrew (Texas)

Well, er… thanks. Thanks for letting us know if there are any plans in the future. But what’s a skit scene? And is Denise Richards really a man? How disturbing. It won’t affect our development schedule, though, because we’re not producing a game based on The World Is Not Enough. I take it you’ve heard tell of a little thing called Perfect Dark…?

Dear Scribes,
THE most original game to grace the likes of the N64, and for that matter any other system as well. A game which takes destruction to an unsurpassably fanriffic level. A game that takes little time to discover, but a lot of time to forget. You know what I am talking about. Blast Corps. Kudos to Rare for this most triptabulastic hunk of fandemonious plunkterwilly!
But, you see, my friends, what this masterfully pugilicious game needs is a follow-up! I mean, as the slogan for Lay’s potato chips goes: “You can’t eat just one.” (I think.)
Please, could you find it in your heartiddliest of hearts to dabblize into the munjifunks of a second rompage through the kingdom of Blast? (If you are already working on the sequel, then consider this email to be praise of your astoundtastic work.)
Dan

Blast Corps 2 – not at the moment, no. It’s one of those love-it-or-hate-it games, an “underground hero” as we’ve heard it called (bless), and unfortunately that’s not the type of game which is guaranteed the old sequel greenlight. Have a useless Blast Corps fact instead: the Moraine Chase level is a tribute to crap British sitcom actress Lorraine Chase, who was once seen playing one of the designer’s previous games with a handful of other crap soap stars on now-defunct UK games programme GamesMaster. True story.

Dear Scribes,
hello to all you banjo lovin freaks i wish to say that you all bore me to death with banjo and donkey kong games which are crap and make me want to eat eggs goodbye i am about to smell my left testicall
from the pandster

Fantastic. If there was ever a self-defeating argument…

Booya Scribes,

  1. Why is Rare sooo secretive? There’s no need for it you know. It’s not big or clever. Just because you’ve got a big mosaic in the entrance and “climate control” doesn’t give you the right to tell us bugger all.
  2. The word “arse” just isn’t funny on it’s own as it used to be. Try making compound words from it such as “arsebiscuits” or “arsepancakes”. See?
  3. Have you noticed that people get their letter “printed” in Scribes? That don’t make no sense. It’s a webpage. Unless someone makes a hardcopy of it. That’d just be sad, mind.
  5. Banjo-Tooie, mid-2000? December then.
  6. Mizar. What a scary name, eh? Well according to my Collins Gem Guide to The Night Sky, Mizar is Arabic for girdle. I thought it was rather amusing. Which it is, right?
  7. I had something really great to say here, but I can’t remember what it was.
  8. What’s the difference when Rare publishes its own games? Is it just so they can write published by Rareware at on the front and look smug?
  9. What the hell do you do? Running the website isn’t your only job, is it? You were in DKR‘s credits right?
  10. Here’s a rubbish picture attachment to help this letter get “printed”. Using sophisticated techniques (MS Paint), I have cunningly and practically seamlessly removed Lurg and replaced it with Mr Pants. Look how I have manually replicated an explosion (complete with those blue bits).
    Mecha Mr Ed
    P.S Stands for post script y’know. Hmmm.
  1. We haven’t got a mosaic, we’ve got a tapestry. Unless I’ve been coming to the wrong place all this time.
  2. You think we don’t already? Arsecarpets.
  3. It’s printed on-screen, man. What do you want to call it then? Having your letter ‘displayed’? That’s just poncey.
  4. …hang on a minute.
  5. Meow.
  6. Yes. And Lupus is Swahili for knicker elastic.
  7. You should have said it earlier instead of waffling on about mosaics and arsepancakes.
  8. Exactly right. Obviously there are other implications, but that’s our favourite.
  9. That’ll be the DKR manual, then. Haven’t we been through this before?
  10. Quite stunning. Do you want a job?

Dear Scribes,
Actually, if you look again at the Pants-Pie box, you’ll notice that the blue circle around Mr. Pants’ arm is the backpack strap, and that it’s actually Mrs. Pie in the backpack, so it would indeed be called Pants-Pie. Well, almost, except it should probably be Pants-Pieie, but that’s a bit hard to say. Plus, that would make the sequel Pants-Pooie, and, well, that sounds a bit too much as if Mr. Pants has lost his bowel control, which would undoubtedly hurt sales. I think.
Josh Townzen

I think you’re being optimistic. Sorry about the confusion, though – I merely mistook the ‘strap’ for a particularly poorly-drawn backpack. Understandable in the circumstances, surely?

Dear blathety blah,
Man, you Rare people sure enjoy your flatulence, don’t you? I mean, Banjo-Kazooie had a good deal of burping and farting (through the immortal Blubber and Loggo), but DK64 is just completely infested with it. I mean, you can hardly go through a level without hearing a massive orchestra of indigestion. Especially on the organ in Frantic Factory… man, it sounds like someone blew an o-ring when emitting those blasts. What did you feed these guys? Is the Rare restaurant that bad?
And now: the question. For the various urps and such, did you use stock burps from some sound effect depository, or did you generate them yourselves? I mean, did you sit down a designer with several pints of Guinness and have them burp into a microphone for a few hours? If so, could I have that job? Here’s a sample burp for your consideration:
BBRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAHHHAAAAAAAAACKK
How was that? Or should I do more?
Moribund the Burgermeister

That’s not bad. Naturally we’d expect your skills to improve as you spent more time with us, but it’s a decent enough start. Here’s a full and frank response from the Banjo musician, currently calling himself ‘Augustus Trumpenhauser’ for who knows what reason:
“At last someone has noticed the aural feast of the Rare Guffaphone. This instrument has been nurtured within the company walls for quite some time. We had to sacrifice a great deal to get it to work properly and many a late night was spent tuning each orifice to the correct tone and pitch that you hear today in our products.
“There were times when we just felt like giving up, I can tell you… times when the odour and mess were too much to bear, but we kept on working as we knew that the final goal was one worth striving for.
“I am currently working on a concerto for this fine instrument… tentatively titled “Where ‘ere you be let your wind be free”. I hope to perform it at this years Festival de Vapour in the Swiss Alps, I myself will be the soloist accompanied by the Scheidt quartet.
“Once more thanks again for bringing my efforts to the attention of the public at large and I hope to be including a few choice harmonies in our up-and-coming games.”

Dear Scribes,
This is hard for me to type, because I can’t stop laughing. I was cruising the New Games part of the site when I noticed you had a Bad Fur Day section up. So I clicked on it, ready to get some clues about what the massive redesign was like. Then the warning came up that there was some adult language. That was enough to cause me to laugh, as I thought it was just a joke. But then I saw the neon strip club logo start to appear, and I clicked on it after it was done loading. Oh man, this is genius. You guys really do listen to the obnoxious fans. They didn’t want ultra cute Conker, so instead you’re making it an ultra-vulgar Teen to Mature rated fest. Bravo! It’s nice to see my furry forest friends are growing up and getting attitudes. Shigeru Miyamoto said he was going to make the Mario game for the Dolphin “more mature.” I dare him to get more mature than THIS!!!
“Why Don’t You Take That Mouse And Stick It Up Your BLEEP!!”
-SirSlush2@aol.com

Dear Editor,
If you could possibly tell me the truth on this issue -I know Rare hates spilling secrets- is Conker’s Bad Fur Day really going to turn out obscene, profane, and violent – or is this just some kind of joke? I really would like to know, since your answer will determine whether I buy the game or not. I’m really curious as to what made the development team decide to ruin an absolutely beautiful game (the graphics are simply marvelous, no one can beat Rare in the graphics department) by turning it into a bloodbath drenched in vulgarity. I immensely enjoyed Banjo-Kazooie as well as DK64 and was hoping to add ‘Twelve Tales‘ to my collection of awesome platformers. This will not happen if Conker 64 becomes BFD.
If Rare is simply trying to shock the public, then they’ve succeeded. But if they are expecting to win big with BFD, I think they’ll be disappointed. No one loves colorful, cute platformers more than young children, and no self respecting parent will allow them to play a game with such questionable content.
Thankyou for your time,
Stressed Bob

Of course they’re not – which is why Conker’s Bad Fur Day will be rated Mature. Don’t think for a second that we’re trying to market this game to kids. We’ve stressed that on the initial promo page, and we’ll continue to stress it right through to the game’s release and beyond.
We simply felt that the 3D platforming world could do with something new to run alongside the traditional titles, that the time for Twelve Tales had perhaps passed and some kind of reinvention was needed… and if we could use the opportunity to appeal to the older players who always say that they’ve had it up to here with cuteness, then why not?
If you feel that the game’s going to offend you, the simple answer is: don’t play it. All we’re trying to do is provide for as many age groups as possible. After all, it’s not as if we’ve stopped doing family-friendly games entirely – as is always the case, this is just one of many games we have in production. With this and Banjo-Tooie, there should be no-one left out.

Dear Scribes,
Guess what I got for Christmas? DK64 and Jet Force Gemini. DK64 took over my life but I ended my addiction by (God help me) getting 101%. I don’t think Snide can get clean so easy. So then I played Jet Force Gemini. I got halfway into it, AND YOU TURNED LUPUS INTO A TANK! WHY? It’s not fair to do that to a mascot-quality character! But I can let him get revenge by blowing up Mr. Pants all day. BUT WHY DID YOU DO IT? Vela gets bicycle shorts, Juno gets a spiffy helmet, AND YOU TURN LUPUS INTO A TANK! I would have liked it better if you would have given him a glow-in-the-dark flea collar and called it an armor upgrade!
VitoMazz@cs.com
PS I spelled “armour” “armor” on purpose! Take that! HAH HA HA HAH hahaha heheh he he ho ho…
PPS HA!

Official team answer: “Because it would have been ridiculous to turn Juno or Vela into a tank.”
What’s so bad about being half-tank, anyway? I could understand your reservations if he’d been turned into a mattress or something, but tankifying him just makes him harder. And he can still tilt over onto one of his tracks if he needs to make use of a lamppost.

Dear Scribe(s),
It is my pleasure to finally reveal the name of the sequel to Jet Force Gemini (see attached), due for UK release on 5th December 2000 (20th April 2001, 17th October 2001, 4th January 2002).
–Paul Taylor
PS. I’ve heard there is a secret Goldeneye multiplayer level called ‘Rotherham’.

You wag. Oh – is that a sly dig at the patchy release schedule of games we’ve delayed in the past? Good gosh, so subtle it almost passed me by entirely.
PS The designer says: “There is no level called Rotherham (though that would be good, obviously), but ‘Bilston’ and ‘Walsall’ are there for all to see. ‘Low Hill’ and ‘Heath Town’ didn’t quite make it into the final version, but they will be on the beta GoldenEye release we do for the Dolphin. Aho.”

Dear Scribes,
I don’t mean to cast aspersions (in fact, I’m half Russian myself), but the Russian Military are completely incompetent. Case in point:
I was strolling through the Arkangelsk Chemical Weapons Facility one afternoon, when I had the bright idea of sneaking into the room with the barrels of volatile poisonous gas, tossing a few remote mines on said barrels, sneaking out again and then detonating them, thereby trapping the soldiers inside, who would then suffocate. However, when I detonated the mines, even though I had closed both of the double doors behind me, and even though I heard “Gas leak detected – isolating area” over the PA system (odd that they would announce it in English, don’t you think?) the poisonous green gas immediately escaped and circulated everywhere. Which brings me to my point: The double air lock doors don’t work for squat! I mean, you’d think the Russian Military of all people would at least go to some lengths to make sure that something so important would function properly.
Not that it really matters much to the Russians, as they seem to be able to breath the stuff indefinitely without so much as sniffling, as I found out while trying my little scheme with Invincibility.
So I still didn’t get to suffocate anybody. Oh well… I can at least get some entertainment by planting a Proximity Mine on the back of the mainframe in the Severnaya Bunker computer room and then getting Boris to walk in and watch through the window as he gets blown to bits. That just never gets old.
Jason

I was tempted to try some kind of crap gag about you being invulnerable to the nerve gas because you’re a psychotic zombie with a hockey mask welded to your head, but it just wasn’t funny so I decided to get a proper answer out of the designer instead. Well, relatively proper.
“Russian nerve gas is crap. Bond is just acting up.
“My favourite trick with mines is to put them at the tops of the catwalks on the cradle, then stand in the middle of the three paths. Trigger them as the guards turn the corner to fire on Bond and quite often you will find them flying overhead and landing behind you. Top.”

Dear Scribes,
I figure you don’t see that opening line very much on this page nowadays, do you? For a long time it was the standard greeting on this page, with only a few variations per month, until recently, when nearly everyone suddenly got the craze to display their intelligence level at the top of their letter, which usually also is a pretty good preview of the letter itself. But above everything else, it is FUNNY. Me, Panu Vihavainen, whose letters from the past you may remember, one of which you actually PUT ON THE PAGE (it was a big encouragement for me!), have returned after a three month break from writing, with a whole batch of new miscellaneous questions, rants and strange ideas. That’s right! Instead of the usual questions, as a kind of “clip show” of past Scribes to celebrate the new millennium, I will now present my personal “Top Ten Scribes Opening Lines” from the beginning to Xmas ’99. I’m hoping for this to become a regular feature for every willing person to make a personal version of. After all, it’s easier to pull off than many other suggestions for contests and features that have been sent to you. Anyway, on with the show!

  1. Dear Idiot,
    (“NintenGenius”, July 1, 1999)
  2. Dear Pokéfriends,
    (“Togepi_Ikari@hotmail.com”, November 10, 1999)
  3. G’day Mate,
    (“Camo_s@hotmail.com”, December 24, 1998)
  4. Dear… oh, Idunno… Isn’t-it-a-lovely-day (catchy nickname if there ever was one… or not),
    (“RanJ29@aol.com”, June 4, 1999)
  5. Dear Leaky Little Loveday Lad,
    (“BILL”, August 25, 1999)
  6. “Lawl. Hillo scriberz.”
    (“S-U-P-E-R CodeGuy Ty”, December 24, 1998)
  7. Dearest Snooky Wookums at Rare, (Just had to say that!)
    (“Pat Mundy”, March 1, 1999)
  8. Dear Spinning Rareware Logo In The Top Left Corner That Don’t Stop Spinning:
    (“SirSlush2@aol.com”, December 23, 1999)
  9. Dear Blue Background:
    (“SirSlush2@aol.com”, November 10, 1999)
  10. Dear Big Man Floating Above Twycross,
    (“Pikachu”, July 1, 1999)
    So… What else? Well, there’s nothing more… yet. I’ll be back after a short time with lots of new questions and rants! Oh, and happy millennium.
    Panu Vihavainen
    P.S. No P.S.’s. I told you there’s nothing more yet!

It had to happen, I suppose. We’ve had the string of bizarre poetic parodies, the plague of rubbish picture attachments (still going with that one, in fact), so it was only a matter of time before the Top Tens made an appearance. Alright, I’ll humour you for now. Just don’t expect me to sign my own death warrant by actively encouraging such things.

Dear guy who doesn’t want us to know about the Mr. Pants Super Duper awesomely cool action guy thing toy,
Mr. Pants… action… figure Bwa ha ha ha! Once again we find information you didn’t want us to know! Mr. Pants the action figure! He’s big, fat, white skinned, and incredibly un-posable! Soon Mr. Pants will take over the marketing business, then the world, then he’ll work for me! Why is he always dancing around in my head? Why? I’m going to go and spraypaint all my undearwear red now…
-Moonraker

You really, really need to find yourself an interesting hobby.

Dear Scribes,
Man this sucks. Perfect Dark looks like the first person game of all games but why do you have to be a f***in girl? I mean c’mon I just can’t get into the roll of a game if the main character has to be a damn girl. My friends and I agree that if you are going to put a girl in the game as a main character then have a Man that you can choose too so that you are not limited with a girl. I want to start a group that makes it so that no videogame has a girl as the lead character because it is just too gay. Videogames are a mans world and I don’t want to play what looks like a sweet ass game like Perfect Dark and have to be a girl. It is really too bad because a lot of people are not going to get this game because of the fact that the main character is a girl. Bad job Rare!!
Tripedox@aol.com

Sometimes I think the human race hasn’t really evolved at all.
Listen, caveman: does every game with a male lead character also offer you the choice of a female? No. Did GoldenEye? No. So why should PD be forced to compromise its entire storyline just to provide a ‘reassuring’ male alternative for the desperately insecure amongst us? Still, let us know if your tragic anti-female, anti-gay group ever gets off the ground, and say a big hello to your girlfriends from us… oh, I see.

Dear Scribes,
It is with great anticipation that my colleagues and I at the Ape Research Society of England (ARSE) have awaited the release of Donkey Kong 64, widely held to be the most significant new work of primate-related fiction since Dunston Checks In. And while it has been quite well received in general around the ARSE offices, I was disturbed to note that Chunky makes use of a shoulder-mounted pineapple-launching incendiary device. A brief consultation of Jane’s Guide to Fruit confirmed my suspicions: rocket-propelled pineapples have been banned by international law since 1976, when a UN subcommittee on agricultural warfare determined them to be “unsuitably pointy for conventional battlefield applications.” I would respectfully urge you to alter future carts to reflect this fact; perhaps by having Chunky utilise less controversial ammunition such as fragmentation kumquats or armor-piercing papayas.
Roderick Arbuthnaut, Specialist in Simian Conflict Studies

If you want to argue with a great big monkey carrying heavy artillery, you go ahead. Anyway, your sham ARSE operation is exposed as nothing more than an elaborate hoax by one simple Americanised spelling of the word ‘armour’. Ape Research Society of England? I don’t think so, my boy! So who is this really, eh? The Pineapple Liberation Front?

Dear Scribes,
It is my sad duty to reveal to you the shocking truth (you’ll like this) behind Mr. Pants and Mrs. Pie: (you’ll really like this). Along with Vela, Jo Dark, Banjo, Conker and Lanky Kong, they are (and for all you Americans, this is the really clever part) fictional characters. Got that? When not starring in video games, Banjo does not exist. While not defeating Mizar’s evil hordes, Vela and Juno (get ready for this shocking revelation) do not exist. Sorry, but someone had to tell you. Now all you rumour-mongers, kindly give back the scissors and put your straightjackets back on. Someone will be along with your medication shortly.
Andrew “Signs His Real Name” Taylor

Sigh. It is our sad duty to reveal to you, Andrew “Sneery” Taylor, the shocking truth: we’re all just having a laugh. Give it a go one day. You might like it.

What’s up arsemasters?
I’ve never had a letter printed in Scribes before, and I doubt I’ll have this one printed (although I wish), but I’ve got several annoyingly (or was it wretchedly) persistant questions that I’d like to shoot your way. Okay. Numbers. Here goes.
1)- Many, many people would like to know- is Perfect Dark going to include Techno-synthesized music or the kick-arse Goldeneye standard type?
2)- What the hell do you look like?
3)- Are you going to be shooting more humans or aliens in Perfect Dark (because humans just give such a tingly feeling)?
4)- I love the Bear Witch Project thing. How much do you want to bet that would push sales up a notch… but, I might understand why you don’t want to do this…
…FOR THE BIG ONE….
5)- Rumor has it that you all are planning to COMBINE Conker 64 and Banjo-Tooie. IS THIS TRUE? (If you have to, you can edit this out and I’ll know… g’he he he. And if this letter isn’t printed, we’ll know why, now won’t we, you sly little scab?
6)- I love your site (like so many others). I love your company (like so many others). I love Nintendo (like so many others). If you guys ever develop for anyone else, I’ll have to shove Conker/Banjo-Tooie straight up your arses (you’re the life of Nintendo- you wouldn’t think of doing that, now would you?)
-Steve Schardein

1) Dunno what you mean by “GoldenEye standard type”, but I suppose it’s a bit of both.
2) What? What? Have I got a bit of food on my chin or something?
3) You need help. But again, it’s a bit of both. Mostly humans to begin with.
4) The extra sales wouldn’t be much compensation while we were getting sued, would they?
5) Scab? You’re way off, pustule-boy.
6) Not unless we become major Hollywood celebrities and take a fancy to the idea of having animals stuck up our arses, no.

Hello all you scribey types,
Alright straight to the point, JFG had a incredibly stupid yet somehow entertaining item in the Fishfood, so I believe Perfect Dark needs one, in toilet paper. Think about it, when you threw the toilet paper it would leave a white trail behind it, if the guards spotted it they would follow the trail to the point where you dropped the other end (by using the B button), while they were distracted by the toilet paper, you’ve snuck up behind them and shot them in the back, also if you threw a roll at the head of a soldier they would proceed to be startled briefly. Overall I think toilet paper would be a worthy addition to the Perfect Dark arsenal.
-Pecker Head Assassin

Always end on a high note. Or something. For a start, it’d be called ‘bog roll’ if we put it in, and you’re missing the point of the fish food in that it had no point, whereas the toilet paper does… oh my God, I’m taking this seriously. No more Scribes for another six months! I’m going into rehab.

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