Scribes – June 19th 2000

by Lerako on Jun 19th, 2000

Dear Scribes,
You know, I have places to go, people to see, bills to pay, etc, etc. I do NOT need to be stumbling across the Scribes page at 1 am only to have it keep me up until 4:30! You should be ashamed of yourselves! Rest assured, I had INTENDED to make this a nice, quiet, well thought-out and perfectly written message. However, I have, instead, opted to go for the Parliamentary (is that even a word?) approach and yell and scream until I get some attention.
With that all said, I take you now to the actual POINT of Ye Olde Message. Whoever is responsible for the voice of Trent Easton in PD should be SHOT! Nay! Drawn and Quartered! Nay! Should be fed to the rabbits! That’ll teach him! A few choice words could also be thrown in in regards to Daniel Carrington and the President of the United States. So, please, I implore you, explain to me WHY, after having all of those wonderful voice-overs for Joanna and Elvis, was the decision made to completely fu… mess up the rest of the voice overs? As a learned man once said, “It just ain’t right!”
Alex Malinovich
p.s. Is it true that I’m the only living being left on the planet who actually remembers “Sledge Hammer”?

One man’s meat is another man’s poison, as the slightly stupid and unhygienic saying goes. Plenty of people love the “Sean” Carrington voice-over, some want to punch Elvis every time he opens his mouth, one review even referred to our own Joanna as a “5 dollar actor” (they’re probably dead now). But I have to admit it did make me snigger every time I heard Trent try to say “presidential entourage”.
A closing note from the designer: “Happily, two of the voices you are complaining about are done by the same person, thus saving on bullet expenditure.”
PS The Peter Gabriel song or the dodgy cop show?

Dear artless bawdy beslubbering bootless errant frothy goatish lumpish wayward yeasty beef-witted crook-pated elf-skinned fat-kidneyed folly-fallen milk-livered tickle-brained barnacle monkeys named Phil that eat chicken for breakfast (arse),
I would just like to say I like cool stuff. Do you? I guess I have to say something intelligent pertaining to a game so, Donkey Kong. There now I said something about a game. (I don’t know either). What possessed you to make Conker’s Bad Fur Day? Was it something you ate? Why would you do it? I should make a petition to… never mind what do I care, just make it.
Cow1285@aol.com
P.S. Arse.
P.P.S. Don’t make fun of my current state of metal health!

It’s a shame the rest of your letter failed so comprehensively to match the standard set by your colourful greeting. In response to your Conker query, the team leader says: “I think perhaps the shock therapy hasn’t worked yet. Come back later when you get more powerful medication.”
PS We say ‘posterior’ around here, you rude boy.
PPS Why, are you a bit rusty? Haha.

Dear Scribes,
I’ve been playing Rare games since the days of Atic Atac so feel slightly embarrassed that after all this time I’m taking the trouble to have my name printed alongside these snot-nosed brats who missed those happy days of heavy objects placed precariously on tape recorders and fumblings with volume controls, but anyway.
How do the Rare team get on with Shigeru Miyamoto? Seeing as Nintendo is such a cutesy company, is it a tolerant relationship? I mean, GoldenEye in particular really seems to have set a new precedent for the company in having Rare cater for that weird Western market who would rather kneecap security guards than p*ss about with Doshin the Giant.
What does he really think of the violence of JFG, Golders and Perfect Dark, not to mention Conker’s latest incarnation? Also, as you guys seem to be keeping the system afloat over here (Zelda apart, obviously), can you see a time when Rare will start to have input into console strategy, controller designs etc? Or do you already…?
Cheers.
Dave B, London

You should have got yourself a Spectrum +2, mate. Built-in tape recorder, and oh! So much ‘more’ ‘reliable’.
Rare has done games that don’t involve shooting, you know. We’re not all about popping people in the unmentionables – we do plenty of happy laughing freaky big-eyed stuff as well (in fact it’s usually those ones that people moan about). I’d imagine Mr. Miyamoto takes the same philosophical “every base needs to be covered” approach as Nintendo.
Rare console involvement: see next letter.

Dear me,
If Rare developed a games console, then it would surely be the best on the market – at any price. Therefore, it could not be considered a ‘con’. So you’d have to add a different prefix. I thought that you could then add the famous Rare “R”. Similar to the much (not) vaunted X-box, we could all anticipate playing with our R-soles. If you did them in different sizes, then obviously “Who’s got the biggest R-sole?” would become standard playground banter, while after school, children could go to each other’s houses to play with each other’s R-soles. (With some of your games you could even give away R-sole expansions.)
Mind you, the cartridges would have to be small.
Cheerio,
Njoinit (thoroughly)

Well, they might have to be small to begin with, but after enough dedicated multiplayer action you’d probably start to see a natural increase in the capacity of the R-soles. You know, a wider range of insertion possibilities as a reward for the real hardcore players, sort of thing. We should probably stop now.

Dear Scribes,
I just wanted to express my disappointment at Nintendo and Rare for moving towards more and more adult centred games.
I traded for Perfect Dark (so I didn’t have to pay money!!) and it is a great game. However, there is no need for the language. I bought the game IN SPITE OF the language and graphic violence, not because of it.
Fortunately there is a paint-ball mode for the violent part (thanks at least for that – did you think of having an option to turn off the profanity?) Also what is the point of “you bitch” in Perfect Dark? Why is it necessary to degrade the female character? [This one especially bugs my wife – also a video game fanatic.]
With young children we will certainly NOT be buying Conker‘s even though this character is one of our kid’s favorites. And we will consider not buying Rare games in the future in protest – even though they are some of the best. It will also give us hesitation when the Dolphin becomes available.
I admit, the swearing especially I don’t understand. Isn’t swearing just an outlet for someone who can’t express themselves well (you should send a copy of this to the writers of the game!!) If I had begun this letter with something like “Hey you fking bstrds, what the fk are you doing?” I am sure you would have felt it was unnecessary and rude. BINGO! So why the need for it in a game?
Think again about your move!! It may not affect your pocketbook (though then again it might!) but there are ethical questions as well. Think about those.
Mark & Lorraine Fearnall

You can’t please all the people all the time. That’s what it inevitably comes down to. Of course you won’t be buying Conker for your children – it’s a Mature-rated game, like PD, and an attempt to reach an older market that’s traditionally not as well catered for. If you really want to lynch us just for trying to branch out, well, that’s your decision – but we’ve still got Banjo-Tooie, Dinosaur Planet, Mickey’s Speedway, DKC Game Boy and plenty of other family-orientated games on the cards, so it’s not as if PD and BFD have turned us into some kind of disreputable adult games company overnight, is it?
By the way, there is a language filter in Perfect Dark… and starting your letter with “Hey you f*king bst*rds” would hardly have made it stand out from the crowd, believe me.

Dear Cheeky Young Scamp,
The one reason you MUST post this letter is because of the rubbish picture attachment included… I… er… “took” the picture while bored, having nothing else to do… honestly, these delays are as annoying as Paul from Neighbours… 🙂
It is a screenshot I took while playing an early version of the beta 1.17 version ROM, which I downloaded from the internet. You’ll notice in it a cameo appearance by Garry Haywood (by the way, there are now rumours in some forums that Garry Haywood is your alter-ego… [by someone I may or may not call Kablooie]… quash them… =) as well as the basic villains of Mr.Shoe, Mr.Sock in the distance, Mr.Tie and Mr, er, Banana. DK Banana. Shown, is the amount of money you will probably make from sales. You will notice that Mr.Pants is using his PATENTED (got it right, this time) George Michael variant move; the Gary Glitter. The theme music for this level is the theme tune from “Sharky and George”, while Mr.Pant’s Co-op sidekick, He-Man replica; Tusk, will also be appearing in the final version.
OK, that’s all. Except for the PS’s. Sorry. Big up ya’self. Keep i’ real.
-Martin Badowsky/aka Alf-Life.
PS. I think you should start numbering the Scribes issues… OK, maybe not, the dates’ll do.
PPS. What do you think of The Bloodhound Gang’s Song; The Bad Touch? — A worthy main page alternate text for the Main Rareware Logo?? 😉
PPPS. Joanna Dark Diggler, Dash You, Conker’s Bad Fur/F*cking Day?, Hell/heck, PD Blimey, PD model “Pro” at E3? Arse, Leighus Lovedayus… and a bunch of other stuff I wanted to say but couldn’t be bothered to put into sentences at 5am…
PPPPS. And finally — I think we should prepare a warm welcome to our old friend, Sean Williamson… now that the button-tapping codes are out, I’m sure he’ll return as a regular Scribe again, if he can get the buttons pushed quickly enough. (Unless, he’s Sir Slush 2 and has been fooling us cleverly all this time, but who’s really a Jinjo, descendant of the more advanced Tribals [that move around this time instead of just whistling], who are really Mumbo, but when wearing a mac, become Garry Haywood, who in turn is Leigh Loveday’s doppelganger.) Hmmm… I should really go now…

*Grits teeth* Yes, a very impressive attachment. I’ll refrain from the vicious outburst you’d so richly deserve if you’d sent this in after the plea for something different in the previous edition, because, er, you didn’t. So that’s fair enough. To a certain point.
PS Yes. They will. You can take your logistical nightmares elsewhere.
PPS Haven’t heard it. Yes, I know it’s currently in the top ten – that’s exactly why I haven’t heard it.
PPPS You don’t want to know the kind of stuff that goes through my head at 5am.
PPPPS Here’s your coat.

Rare-me-do,
I have this theory about the black sheep in the Rare family – the secret Stamper brother.
Y’see Rare games are all fun and lead you in gently explaining the rules, always gently encouraging, little thumbs-up every now and again. And then you finish the game on its initial settings. You feel good. Rewarded. It got a bit hairy at times but, hey. You pulled through. Why not have a go at the harder levels/try and find some of those secrets? you think. Then the nightmare begins. The barbarity of the game is unleashed.
And herein lies my theory. The nice Stamper boys and all their chums down Twycross spend years polishing together a lovely, fair, playable game. But, on the the week before release, in a severe lack of sanity Chris takes the game down to the third Stamper in the basement. Let’s call him Jerome. Jerome has no sense of decency or politeness or basic human respect. It is he who puts in the hair-removingly difficult sections, decides where to put the secrets, thinks up bizarre logic. This also, incidentally, explains your constantly pushed back release dates. You haven’t submitted the game to Jerome yet.
I don’t feel anger towards Jerome. In fact it goes along the lines of pity the emotions I feel. There he is in the Rare basement on a diet of hairy pie and fish suppers (don’t worry the Americans won’t get it) with no company. You can understand his bitter streak. But for the love of humanity please stop showing your fine, fine games to him.
Thank you,
Ben Murray
P.s. Any chance of a sequel to Blast Corps? Ta, chuck.
P.p.s. I named this email The Third Stamper and my spell check corrected it to ‘The Turd Stamper’ which made me laugh. For a bit.

The funniest thing about this letter is the fact that there is indeed a third Stamper brother here at Rare. He doesn’t go by the name of Jerome in any circles that we’re aware of, but it’s true that he never seems to be in his room, so he might well spend most of his time down in the basement sampling the latest wares of our in-house restaurant. We’ll certainly look into this disturbing possibility.
PS You make it, we’ll publish it. Or not.
PPS What kind of half-arsed spell-checker are you using that doesn’t know the word ‘third’?

Dear Englishmen/-women, (Or maybe “Englishman” would be more appropriate…)
Hello again. It is I, the halfway notorious Pat Mundy, from past Scribes, under a new e-mail address of course. In any case, I felt it was about time I sent in another letter, since all my last ones have been pants attempts. What the heck, I’ll even throw in some mildly useful questions and proper British spellings. And since it’s become a fad of sorts, I suppose I’ll number my questions too.

  1. I’ve been wondering: if an American/Brit had a spelling bee and a word like “flavour” or “organise” was given to the speller, and he/she was in America and spelled it like a Brit, or he/she was in England and spelled it like an American, would it be counted as incorrect, or would it be seen as another version of the word and therefore be a valid spelling? Sure, it might not matter, but it is an interesting topic. Okay, maybe not.
  2. What exactly do you do all day besides answer Scribes and work on the newest rendition of the DKR manual? I’m sure you do something, but seriously, what exactly is your occupation? Not meaning to intrude on your privacy or anything, just curious.
  3. I’m a bit surprised you haven’t gone further with the necessity of u’s in many words ending with “or.” What if you started spelling words with u’s with o’s? It really is quite an interesting way of doing things. Personally, I think it’s a bit embarrassing that some American authority decided to “dumb down” the English language by making interesting words like “catalogue” so dull.
  4. Have you seen the movie “Angela’s Ashes?” It’s a great movie for two reasons – One, it has the word “arse” in it on several occasions, and two, it has the villain who acted in “The World Is Not Enough.”
  5. I can’t help but notice how un-selfconscious people are when they bash other countries. What’s your opinioun on this? (Note that I spelled the word “opinion” with an added u for your amusement.)
  6. The needs of arse are becoming a bit neglected. Why, in the most recent Scribes, I can’t say I saw it in even a quarter of the letters. Don’t you think it’s your duty to revive it somehow?
  7. Who’s got them tickets?!
  8. Why is the glass in Jet Force Gemini so smeary looking? Doesn’t Mizar have enough funds to have his Tribal slaves at least wash his windows once in a while?
  9. Note that I will gladly make a donation to your company’s efforts when Perfect Dark comes out. But one question: Are there any references to arse in it?
  10. Is it true all your food there in England is boiled and tastes rather nasty? Or maybe I just like grease…
    Well, thank you for taking your time cleverly avoiding my last few letters. I like to think you at least took the time to read them before pressing the delete button. However, you do know that the more you don’t post, the more I’ll have to e-mail to make up for the lost letters… But in any case, I’m grateful for what you do and I love your games. Very insightful if I do say so myself.
    Sincerely,
    Pat Mundy
    P.S. Am I the first person to ever put a proper closing on a Scribes e-mail? Oops, too late, I’ve killed it with a P.S…
  1. I’m so glad you resolved that one in the privacy of your own head at the last minute.
  2. Sigh. Manuals. Intranet. In-game text. Press stuff. No idea what my job title is these days. The answer’s not going to be any different no matter how many times the question’s asked, you know…
  3. Well, exactly. Shouldn’t you be answering your own question seeing as you’re the ones who keep messing about with the language, eh?
  4. Yes, that little-known star of some of the biggest-grossing British films of all time, Robert Carlyle.
  5. Depends on the level of irony and/or sheer grunting stupidity present in the opinions offered.
  6. Composite arsisms are the in-thing now, man. Haven’t you been paying attention?
  7. Alison Moyet.
  8. If it wasn’t smeary you wouldn’t be able to see it properly, then you’d complain that we hadn’t put enough time and effort into designing the texture. Yes you would. I know your sort.
  9. Can’t say I remember any…
  10. Boiled? We practically invented the fry-up, you cheeky young scamp. How dare you challenge us in the junkfood arena when you don’t even know the proper usage of the word ‘chips’.

Well, after days of Deep Thought I came up with two likely greetings:
Good day, Leaky – which would refer to Leigh/Leaky from B-K, gettit, or Dear Rear, which would cleverly sound like Rare but have the meaning of the beloved a-word. Both were so good, I couldn’t decide, so sorry, I don’t actually have an opening to my letter.
All right then, for my actual request/polite wish. Do you have any more pictures of that most excellent of all DK-monkeys, Chunky? You see, I’ve got an N64 web-site up, just so you know the URL is http://www.geocities.com/shigerufan and I’d love to have more pictures of Chunky as he is the best thing to ever hit my TV-screen. All the monkeys were good, but you obviously saved the best for last, for joy was complete when I saw that bulky, hairy monkey-man. I never let anyone else be Chunky in multiplayer. Chunky rocks. I love Chunky. I’m changing my surname to Chunky. I watch the brain-melting rap just to see Chunky. Etc ad nauseum. But I’ve only found two, pathetic, small pictures of Chunky on this site and the official one and I want a big, huge, natural size one! Well, almost, anyway. So please, kind Rare-man, who probably is very good-looking and brave and gets tons of girls, and is not at all the Cranky-like b*stard you pretend to be, consider my wish. Would bring happiness into my life, you know.
Just a Hunky Chunky burnin’ love,
Linca

Sod your happiness, I’m just in it for the flattery. Just click on that little Chunky pic up there for the Hunky Chunky version – how does that grab you? Big, brash and butch as you like. Glad to be of service, squire.

Dear Rubbish Picture Attachment Reciever,
I bet you’re tired of recieving rubbish picture attachments, so I have a little variation. It’s a rubbish music attachment! (rma)
Okay, bwahaha etc I have snuck into your HQ and I got a sample of Mr. Pants 64 music. I have a good memory and I immediately ran home and sequenced it into midi form. So yeah, blah blah, etc etc. So there! Yeah!
Now we return to your normal Scribes, which is of course far from normal.
-Yumblie

I before E except after C, man! What’s wrong with you? Top tunes, though. I just hope I’m long dead before someone comes up with the technology for a rubbish smell attachment.

Dearest Rare,
We love you and the things you do. We were a bit bored waiting for the US import of Perfect Dark to arrive so while we’ve been waiting we’ve been busy making something.
It initially started when we (my flat) referred to Perfect Dark as Perfect Duck in our conversations, and from there the idea sprouted like a sprout. We set up a little site this week as a homage and as something to do to keep us off the streets.

www.perfectduck.com
I hope you like it, cos we like you.
Ant.

If we could see the point, we’d probably like it even more. You slightly odd people. But, er… thanks.

Dear Scribes,
This is my first time writing to a website. I have a few things to say and questions to ask:
I. Conker’s BFD. I understand by now why you made the decision to star friendly Conker in such a genre game. You have defended your case very well. Yet, I have my concerns. Will the “old” Conker I know and remember from Conker’s Pocket Tales and Diddy Kong Racing ever return? What about Berri? I have two younger relatives who love and admire Berri. I’m sure that there will be others who miss her as well. Please confort all of us by telling that she will be back as her old self. Finally, if you recall the days of Twelve Tales, a mysterious green owl named Knowit was supposed to make a shining debut. He was cute, and I loved him. Will we ever see him in a Rare game again?
II. DK Game Boy Color. I’d just like to state that it looks like a million bucks, maybe even better. Thank you for your time, and good day.
Lemoniefresh@aol.com

Okay, time to clear up this little discrepancy between Conker’s starring vehicles once and for all. Let’s get the team in on this:
“Conker is just playing a role. In DKR and CPT he was cute, cute and cute. Not wanting to be typecast (like most great actors), he’s decided to explore this new and more demanding role.
“Anyway, contrary to popular belief Conker isn’t the bad guy in the game and he certainly never swears, just everyone else does! The Conker from those early products was a younger, more naive character and like most real people he’s grown up a bit, and with that comes a more cynical and materialistic demeanour.
“This also applies to Beri, who is still Conker’s other half and has certainly grown up a lot since her TT days, as you’ll find out.”
And there you have it.

Hey y’all!
So what about that weather eh? Anyway on to my questions.

  1. Can you kill Bottles in Banjo-Tooie? (Please say yes.)
  2. Will Dinosaur Planet be better than Zelda? If not, then why the hell not you lazy arses?
  3. Does Mr. Pants have a nose or is some kind of animal living on his face?
  4. Don’t you hate Americans?
  5. What’s the meaning of life?
    Brian

Short and to the point, that’s what we like.

  1. No, and there’s a very good reason for that.
  2. Tell you what, give us a chance to finish it – then we won’t answer your provocative questions anyway, you rascal.
  3. You’re looking too closely. Rubbish picture attachments are the next step. Back off while you still can.
  4. No, the British have an equal amount of vague dislike for everyone.
  5. You should know, Brian.

Dear Rare,
Just read that you are working on Dino Planet game. That game looks promising. However, there is one thing troubling me. You decided to go with speeches instead of text. That is nice, very nice actually, but I really really really hope you still give the text option. Why? Because you’ll never know what might happen when you are playing. Telephone, door knock, water boiling, etc., etc. Not to mention if the speech is not clear enough. Imagine playing this game with your 4-year-old brother around, and you’ll see what I meant.
So, do use speech, but please keep the text option.
Thank you.
Subroto Gunawan

Don’t worry, we think of everything. Well, nearly. Well, we’ve thought of this, at least:
“The game also displays text. All you will need to do is hold down the R Button whenever anyone speaks and the text will be magically displayed on the screen.”

Greetings, Scribes-Letter-Reading-Man!
While reading through the praising reviews of Perfect Dark, I happened to read about the basic story, the characters and the weapons. This is when the thought crossed my mind. A lot of this was very similar to an Anime movie I had seen called Ghost in the Shell. I don’t know whether you’ve seen it or not but Ghost in the Shell has various similarities to the characters and story of our beloved Perfect Dark, which I will now list…

  • GITS (Ghost in the Shell) and PD are both set in the future with similar technological advances and gadgets, like the cloaking devices and such.
  • Joanna Dark looks veeeery similar to Major Motoko Kusanagi, the main character of GITS. They both have short, dark hair, same build, same type of battle outfits, and if weren’t for the fact that Kusanagi is a cyborg, I’d say that they’re almost twins.
  • Jonathan is Joanna’s partner, and his weapon of choice is a Magnum. One of Major Kusanagi’s partners, Togusa, also has a Magnum as his weapon of choice. Hmmm…
  • The head of the Carrington Institute, Daniel, is an old guy. The head of Special Security Police Section 9 (where Kusanagi and co work) is also an old guy. (That’s a pretty stupid statement, I know.)
  • The head of the main evil in PD and GITS is a woman.
  • The new RCP in Perfect Dark looks similar to the one Kusanagi uses near the end of Ghost in the Shell.
    There could be more, but I’ll leave them for now. So it’s hit me, that Perfect Dark is very similar to Ghost in the Shell, and I close this letter be asking you – is it?
    Edmond Tran (aka Toad!)

I knew he wouldn’t be able to resist this one. So for those of you really not interested in the minutiae of the film and how they do/don’t relate to PD, I won’t hold it against you if you move swiftly onto the next letter.
“Jonathan isn’t her partner. Joanna is almost always a solo agent, the Major almost always works as part of a team. The PD cloaking device is a small box that projects a field over the bearer, while the Ghost In The Shell cloaking device is a suit that hides the wearer.
“The head of the Institute was going to be George Dawes, but he was just a big baby. Have you noticed how the Bond films ripped off the idea by having ‘M’ as an older guy too?
“There is no ‘evil woman’ in Ghost In The Shell. You’re referring to the cyborg body taken by the ‘Puppetmaster’, who is in fact a neutral character.
“The RC-P120 is made up; it’s based mainly (for continuity purposes) on the design of another Carrington Institute weapon, the AR34 assault rifle, which is partially based on the real-life FAMAS assault rifle… Kusanagi, however, uses a Seburo, which is similar to an FN-P90.
“I’d be lying if I said there was no influence, but it’s not as widespread as you make out, and most of your arguments are wrong. Sorry.”

Hello chaps!
Is it me, or does that British salutation (“chaps”) sound like a venereal disease? Anyway, maybe you remember me. Maybe two or three “Scribes” editions ago a letter of mine was printed, in which I asked several intelligently formed inquiries concerning some of the frequently asked DK64 issues (secret levels, the Tiny pedestal, etc.), and wonder of wonders, I received serious answers! Well, here’s the thing, after not receiving any of your regular crap ass responses I began to feel a bit left out and unappreciated. for the next few weeks I visited the Scribes page each time it was updated, saw the arse flakey (is that a good arse-ism?) answers other people got, and I finally decided I needed to write another letter to get some good ol’ dumb butt answers!
So here goes some completely retarded questions. Please answer them with equal retardedness:

  1. When will Perfect Dark part 5 come out? Will there be an arse mapping feature?
  2. In Banjo Tooie, will the Jinjos be playable characters?
  3. Will Rare ever create games for the X-Box or Dreamcast? (Never mind that you guys are partially owned by Nintendo; again just an arse fruity answer will do.)
  4. And finally, why are there so many homosexual themes in Rare games? (Lanky slapping his ass invitingly to the gamer; so many of the Kong family members always failing to wear garments designed for the lower regions of the human anatomy; Kazooie all too frequently willing to reside in Banjo’s clothing; among many others.)
    Thanks chaps! (I still can’t get over that word.)
    Adam

Allow me to answer your questions in a special ‘enthusiastic-but-slightly-illiterate PR person’ kind of way.

  1. Unfortunately we’re not able to release any information on Perfect Dark 5 right now. But we’re sure you’ll love it if it ever gets made!! The arse-mapping feature is a great idea – we’ll bear it in mind and add your name to the credits whether we use it or not!!
  2. That would be fantastic!! Unfortunately this aspect of the game has not yet been finalised, but thanks for your interest!!
  3. Rare couldn’t be happier in its current position developing for Nintendo, and we see no reason to change the arrangement at any time in the near future!! What is ‘arse fruity’??
  4. It does seem that way sometimes, doesn’t it??!! But of course that’s not really the case!! YOU STUPID SOD.

Dear Scribes,
A friend of mine was surfing around in Perfect Dark and came across a glitch! A glitch in the “perfect” game, which seems quite ironic. Well here’s the glitch for you, which is a really, really, really stupid thing for Rare to have done. I thought we quit “misspeling” words in elementary school…
Choose an agent that has unlocked all Classic Arenas. Go into Combat Simulator, then into Advanced Setup. Get to the choose your arena option, and scroll down to the Classic Arenas. Notice “Felicity”… Wasn’t it spelled “F’A’cility” in GoldenEye? Hmm… you make the call. Maybe the guys were watching Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me (the character Felicity Shagwell) when they were programming the game?
I’ve even enclosed a picture taken with my digital camera to show you the proof if you don’t have access to PD right at this very second.
The guy who discovered this glitch was Michael Lese of South Carolina. His e-mail is hydro_85@mindspring.com. My name is John Kary from Kansas, e-mail kukyfrope@hotmail.com.
Just thought I might point this out to somebody.
John

Tsk. If we were going to misspell ‘Facility’, what are the chances we’d inadvertently turn it into another perfectly valid word? GoldenEye’s Facility level was based on a scene from the film, while the Aztec and Temple levels were completely original. PD has no connection to that film, and while PD’s version of the Facility isn’t identical to GoldenEye’s, we thought we’d change the name a bit anyway just to be on the safe side. Do you see?

Dear Resident Scribologist,
I happen to be an American and I was rather offended by Mr. Ricardo’s “American Pants” sketch. Mr. Ricardo must not know very much about the average American, as his sketch was somewhat inaccurate. In order for American Pants to be truly representative of the average American, he should have a handgun and a picket sign reading “insert random protest here” in addition to the enormous beer belly and top hat.
-Karl “fed up with this country” Zickler

Thanks for restraining yourself from actually updating the picture and sending it in again. Every letter without a rubbish attachment of some sort is an achievement in itself these days.

Dear Scribes,
“Walnuts, peanuts, pineapple smells.
Grapes, melons, oranges and coconut shells
Wah yeah!”
What is striking here? Exactly, all the eatables, mentioned in the ‘fridge’ (bridge) of the DK Rap are actually in the game. Except… the walnuts!
Furthermore, the ammunition of all the Kongs – Donkey’s coconuts, Diddy’s peanuts, Lanky’s grapes and Chunky’s pineapples – are alle mentioned in the ‘fridge’. Except… Tiny’s feathers!
From all this, only one conclusion can be drawn: THERE IS A BETA VERSION OF DONKEY KONG 64!! In this Beta version, Tiny used walnuts for ammunition. Since I’m such a big Rare fan, I think you should send me a copy of this Beta version! Awww, come on! Please!
Kind regards,
Caspar van der Heiden
PS Could you please explain what the “Jimmy Saville-joke” at the end of JFG is? For the readers who aren’t British or haven’t ever heard of Jimmy Saville for another reason?

You can laugh, but all around the world there’ll be young kids and thick people shrieking at their parents and/or bank managers because the words “BETA VERSION OF DONKEY KONG 64” caught their eye and they didn’t feel the need to get this in any sort of context before launching into a full-on monkeyed-up frenzy.
PS Jim’ll Fix It is a great British TV institution featuring professional old man Sir Jimmy Saville making the wishes of impressionable youngsters come true, and after doing so forcing them to wear one of his cheap and nasty Jim’ll Fix It medals as punishment. He also goes “Uhuhuhuhuhuh”, or at least people doing impressions of him do. There you go – clear as mud.

Hi there Joanna–er–Scribes,

  1. Well, Mr. PapinoWldm sent in a very… interesting letter. He claims that he’s a loyal fan, but will give up on Rare because of delays. I think that a loyal Rare fan would understand that the reason that the games are so good is because of delays. A Rare fan would understand that you delay games to make them better, and that Rare doesn’t delay games for their own sick amusement. Of course I was disappointed when PD missed a Christmas launch, but the Co-op mode is by far my favorite part of the game.
  2. I’ve spent many sleepless nights pondering whether the company’s name is “Rare”, or “Rareware”. Which is it?
  3. Have you guys finally decided to go easy on the gamers? I’m talking about the cheats in PD. Nearly half of them can be unlocked with minimal effort. I was expecting invincibility to be the most difficult cheat to get, but it only took me a few tries.
  4. Arse-marmalade.
  5. In the special PD level “The Duel”, one of the objectives says to defeat – (Snip. – Ed)
  6. So, you wanted to compare two B-list American sitcoms? How about Family Matters and ALF. Silly me, those are two A-list shows, but still, which is better?
  7. “In fact I don’t think the madness will end until… until Mr. Pants is killed off – once and for all! What do you say to that then, eh?”
    Noooooooo! You can’t kill Mr. Pants. Even if you succeed in doing so, I’ve already got a replacement. He’s none other than Perfect Dark’s wimpy computer hacker, Grimshaw! My picture attachment will show you what I mean. He also has a pair of large comedy pants. He likes to bring his son Peanut the Third to work with him. If you’re observant, you might have noticed something in the upper-right hand corner. As you may have guessed, it’s a morph of Mr. Bean and Tekken 3’s Heihachi. I put that in there for no reason at all. Don’t you get it? If Mr. Pants dies, Mr. Grimshaw will get revenge.
    Urkel
    P.S. I’ve got nothing more to say… sorry. It’s just that I thought you would think less of me if I didn’t include a “P.S.”
  1. You speak as if you come to Scribes expecting a celebration of logic and common sense.
  2. Rare Ltd. Rareware is the stuff we produce. I’d imagine.
  3. Designer! “Arguably, the people most in need of the invincibility cheat are the players who will be shot by the guards shortly after they’ve finished bumping into all of the walls on the level while emptying all of their bullets into the floor or ceiling. Connoisseurs, on the other hand, will be looking for different cheats to add to their experience of the game, rather than one which enables you to get away with playing badly…”
  4. Common problem. Increase your fibre intake.
  5. Whoa there, Betty! Potential spoilers for those who haven’t played the game or made it that far, don’t you know. Also saves me from having to answer the question – excellent.
  6. I barely remember Alf and I’ve never heard of Family Matters, but it does sound pretty grim.
  7. Let’s nip the Grimshaw Fan Club in the bud before it even gets up and running, shall we? The last thing any of us want when we go out drinking with the bloke who voiced him is that sodding Grimshaw voice all night.

Hear me loud, Scribes,
Well, well, well. There I go, arsing about with MS Paint to make a moderately amusing picture of a rival to Mr Pants, so I can get my letter printed, and what happens? A cult is set up in honour of my picture. Damnit, what am I? A freak magnet? Well, I think I’ve learned my lesson. Now I know how you feel, being bombarded by Mr Pant pictures constantly. I shall never make a crappy picture again! Apart from maybe this one.
And, Mr Trout Fan Club members, whoever the hell you are, send me lots of cash, and I will draw more Mr Trout pictures. Bwhahaha! Bah. I’m as bad as them now. Tsk.
Anyway, here’s some Q’s to make this letter Rare related;

  1. Will Perfect Dark GB be like Metal Gear Solid, with an emphasis on sneaking about rather than shooting anything that moves?
  2. Any chance of telling us what the transfer pack will do? Will it enhance the N64 version of PD, or the GB one. Or both?
  3. Will Conker’s BFD be more like JFG or BT? From the footage I’ve seen, it looks more linear than BT, and with shooting sections that look remarkably like JFG.
    MechaMrEd
    p.s. I must admit, that Mr Trout theme tune is rather good. Mr Trout, Mr Trout, Mr Trrrroooout!
    p.p.s. Oop, nearly forgot. Wah, why is PD coming out in US before UK, wah, it’s not fair, I will boycott the game, etc.

Hey – you should have written ‘Tommy Fishfinger’ on his hat! That would have been really… bad.
Anyway, you can’t seriously expect Mr. Trout to propose any sort of challenge to the newly-revitalised Mr. Pants after the glory that is Mr. Pants 2000 (you’ll see what I mean in a few letters’ time). The followers of Trout will be deserting in their droves, or at least they would be if there had ever been more than three or four of them in the first place.
You should also know by now that the inclusion of relevant questions isn’t exactly a prerequisite to getting your letter printed. In fact you can wait until the Game Boy Tepid Seat for your PD answers, and as for Conker, it’s not much like either game really (and most of the shooty bits happen in multiplayer).

Dear Scribes,
I must say that the Perfect Dark voices are… amusing. You chaps certainly must have been practicing your American accents for a long time! Especially the hacker in the room of the institute, I must say every American wishes he or she had a voice like him.
Seriously, though, PD is a fantastic game, and I hope Rare makes more crazy adventures with Joanna. I’m also patiently waiting for BFD, which not only looks very cool, but it also looks very cool. Redundant, yes, but it certainly makes sense to me. I’d list off questions, but the odds are I’ll find out the answers to all of them in the future, so instead I’ll leave you with this: These are not my pants.
-Mog

Mog, eh? Are you my cat? Get out of the kitchen, you fat waster.
PD’s designer reiterates: “That was the point of Grimshaw’s voice. It is meant to sound like that. Gets the trigger finger going, doesn’t it?”

Dear Scribes,
WHAT THE #&!!? Jet Force Gemini is one of the best N64 games out there, but the ending is what, a whole 2 MINUTES LONG?!!?! Come on, 2 MINUTES!! Sure it’s a happy ending, and it’s also a good ending, but after 40 hours of playing the game, saving all the Tribals, and having to fight with Floyd to get him to go where you want him to, all we get is a 2 minute ending?! You guys should take a note from Zelda: Ocarina of Time, and have a 10-15 minute ending. I mean if you can give DK64 such a long ending, why not JFG? And Juno was my favorite character until I saw his fruity disco dance. I just hope Perfect Dark‘s ending is worth it.
Robert Culton

Oh, stop complaining. JFG’s ending was fantastic. If its ‘fruity’ nature made you scowl rather than laugh, you should lighten up a bit before you find yourself writing letters like the next one. And besides, the designer’s last attempt at an ending sequence was in Blast Corps: think Platinum medals and say no more.

Hi,
What’s this I hear about having to purchase Perfect Dark with the Expansion Pak (so told in local ‘GAME’ shop)? Surely that is incredibly unfair for those of us who bothered to buy one when it first came out. Besides who can take full benefit of Expansion Pak games if they still haven’t got one!!!
This is another fine example of ‘money grabbing, monopolising console companies’ and I suppose you get a nice little back-hander at the same time?
It is totally out of order if you expect us to purchase Perfect Dark at a cost of ?60 – ?70 pounds just because some idiots still haven’t expanded their N64! What have they been doing all this time?
I sincerely hope you’ll provide people with the option to purchase PD on its tod rather than ripping off N64 fans even more.
Regards,
WillRC

Even if it was our decision, and even if it was ‘the done thing’ to slate other people for not having an Expansion Pak simply because it doesn’t suit you, and even if it was generally wise to write angry letters to a developer based on nothing but a rumour from your local games shop staff, the fact would remain that you’ve got all your facts arse-backwards and there is no obligatory PD Expansion Pak bundle. Hey, thanks for the letter!

Hello Superman!
Once again bhlaab comes back with more pants-induced items! One more fak-erm-REAL screenshot of Mr. Pants’s Dreamland 2! Hurrah! But alas, this is not all! I have used my big genious, my big big genious, my big good genious to bring you Edit Mr. Pants! With this program you can alter Mr. Pants however you desire! I made a sample one so you can see the utter possibilities with Edit Mr. Pants. Hooray!
Hmm… sometimes I wonder if I take this Mr. Pants thing a smidge too far…
-bhlaab

Next time put your big ‘genious’ to better use learning how to spell ‘genius’, man. Honestly. And while Edit Mr. Pants shows a ‘commendable’ level of ‘devotion’ in itself, I think it’s safe to say you haven’t yet taken the Pants thing as far as this next fellow…

Dear Scribes,
That’s it. I’ve had enough, and I’ve come to the conclusion that the only way to stop the oh-so-irksome tide of Pants-related chicanery is to finally give up and subdue the clamouring masses with a Mr. Pants game. I don’t think I can face up to reading another Scribes until the matter is resolved and I hate to think of Leigh losing sleep over the prospect of collecting his e-mail each morning… so I’ve decided to step in.
Step forward Mr. Pants 2000 – a simple arcade-style game, fun to play and simple to use by anyone who can compose a legible e-mail… and I’m sure the AOL users will find someone to install it for them. The game can be found here:

http://freespace.virgin.net/steve.allcock4/tgf.htm
So, dear readers, I beg you; play the game, enjoy the game, and stop writing in about Mr. Pants… it’s just not funny any more. (Sobs) Scribes readers came dangerously close to eradicating all possible comedy value from the word ‘arse’ some months ago, and you risk forever tainting the innocence and obscurity of the detrousered one if you continue…
Can we talk about Twiglets instead? Good. Dear god, Twiglets are arse. I have never had the misfortune to eat such a despicable snack – how people prefer them to Matchmakers I’ll never know. If it hadn’t been for the joint influence of Paul Merton and “Whose Line is it Anyway?” they’d never have risen to popularity…
(As the first “Mr. Twiglet” picture lands in his inbox, Leigh screams…)
Regards,
Chris Allcock

I don’t know which is more disturbing – the fact that you’ve gone ahead and made this or the amount of time I’ve spent playing the damn thing. Either way, there’s no denying that this is far and away the best Mr. Pants attachment that Scribes has seen to date. Congratulations, or something.
However, I doubt that it’ll have the desired effect of putting an end to all future Pants attachments: in fact it’s more likely that we’ll just get loads of people sending in their high scores along with all the usual ropey pictures and stuff. Perhaps Mr. Pants’ fan base will even expand thanks to his starring role in this blistering arcade epic (which is doing the company rounds as we speak, you’ll be pleased to hear, though I doubt anyone else has broken the 80000 barrier yet – hah).
And I refuse to talk about Twiglets because even the thought of their ungodly stench makes my stomach turn.

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