Scribes – June 5th 2000

by Lerako on Jun 5th, 2000

Wasssuuuuup Mr. Scribes man,

Will Conker: BFD have the word “arse”? It would be a shame if his explicatastical vocabulary excluded “arse”. (Sadly, this is a serious question.)
Any chance of Mr. Pants making an appearance in Conker? I understand that you may not include him in PD because of its realism, but there hasn’t been enough Pants. One cheat code (albeit a great one) in JFG was NOT enough to satisfy my craving for Mr. Pants.
Is that default hi-score in Jetpac real?
How many levels are there in Jetpac? The farthest I made it was about 7. Is that good? (Probably not, eh?)
I know that you say to never count any genre out for Rare, but seriously, has it ever been considered to make an RPG? Just imagine, Mr. Pants is on a long quest in a fantasy world to fight the Dragon of Arse-spaghetti.
I think I’m the first person to notice that Mr. Pants’ name astonishingly coincides with the fact that he only wears underpants.
I’ve included a picture attachment of what I think a day at Rare looks like. Is my shockingly realistic image anything close to what actually goes on at Rare?
Urkel

I believe the word is featured in all its uncut glory, yes.
Couldn’t say. He’d probably fit in quite well, but things like this basically depend on the level of Pants support and recognition within each team. I don’t think he made the final cut of PD. Booooo.
Well, the thing is, Jetpac’s a bit old and crotchety now. Sometimes, if you leave the DK64 incarnation sitting in the middle of all those flashy polygons and lighting effects for long enough without starting a game, it gets all irritated and starts making up its own high scores just to torment you naive youngsters. No, really, it’s true. Sort of. However…
…any score is basically attainable if you’re good enough, as the levels loop after completion of the fourth rocket type and allow you to keep going until your points overrun the digits available for them. Which is why it’s A Man’s Game.
Now come on, you wouldn’t even buy that yourself.
And a hat. You see? There’s so much more to it than you think…
Alright, come on, you’ve had your fun – where have you been hiding all this time? I didn’t think I had any cupboard space left in here.

Dear Scribes,
Wow! I have something meaningful to ask (bear with me here…)
Conker’s Bad Fur Day does honestly look like it’s going to kick huge quantities of arse, but I was wondering a couple of things…

How long has it been like that? When did you decide to give up on the fuzzy cuteness (or at least that part of it without access to large weapons) and make the gore-and-swear-fest I hope it turns out to be?
Who’s working on it? Are they ex-Banjo and Mickey’s Racing coders who saw one too many big-eyed animals and went a little funny in the head, or do you have a whole team that’s been kept away from the public for long enough to come up with this stuff?
Okay, that’ll do for semi-relevance today. But, since every quality (replace previous word as you see fit) letter has one, I think it’s about time for a bit of poor-quality image attachment goodness! (Okay, so it’s Shockwave Flash, but it’s still poor quality, so that counts, right?)
The Mr Pants Dance! http://www.shpadoinkle.co.uk/mrpants.html
Best viewed while listening to a CD of your choice, although preferably not anything from the 80s, for obvious reasons. And drunk.
Cussing Snake

Great. Two letters in, two Mr. Pants attachments. I’ve created a monster. Must distract myself with answers from the BFD team…
“1) Nearly two years now (just over two years when it hits the shelves, which is about the right development time for a game of this type). The original concept for Conker, the infamous Twelve Tales as it was known, was completely scrapped for various political and convoluted reasons. Needless to say, the scrapping decision was one made by, and NOT enforced onto, the team.
“Conker’s BFD has absolutely nothing in common with the original version of the game except for a squirrel called Conker.
“2) There are no ex-Banjo or Mickey people on Conker’s BFD simply because they’re still working on Banjo and Mickey. The Conker team is just that, and has been for the last two years (with a few casualties and additions on the way, here and there…)
“The experienced members of the team have been involved in no small way on products such as the Killer Instinct series, JFG and DK64 (George, you’ll get Carl back soon, don’t worry!)”

Dear Scribes,
After reading the latest Scribes, loaded with more picture attachments, Mr. Pants references, and “eye-rolling” from you than usual, I have a question. When you first started this website, did you know, or were you prepared for such ranting and silly letters, or did you think things would go smoother. I suspect you did for two reasons: 1.) Your “eye-rolling” feel that I mentioned earlier (that whole Mr. Pants arrested thing was hilarious, by the way) and 2.) When I go back and read your descriptions for different sections of the site, as well as the introductions, all which were written before the site opened, you seemed totally unprepared for all this, almost eager. I can’t explain why, but it just looks like it. Any comments? And what’s with all the straight answers? Is this a “not-in-the-mood-for-crap” mood you were in that morning, or a new policy? Anyway, I loved it. Keep up the good work.
Moggo the bathtub
P.S. Thanks for the 8-10 PM lineup on ABC it’s the best night on television. That’s how I know Rare is behind it.

I’ve certainly had my eyes opened to the sheer… er… ‘breadth’ of people out there in the crrrrazy world of the Net since then, I’ll tell you that much. And I’ve found that easing off on the corporate formality (i.e. being a bit tetchy towards outright spanners and broadening the scope of discussion to include all sorts of irrelevant cack) is the only way to keep Scribes & co. interesting in the long run. It’s a flimsy theory at best, but I’ll stick with it.
As for straight answers in the last edition, I can’t say I was aware of any such phenomenon and I’ll do my best to keep anything of the sort from happening again.

Dear Scribes,
I must say, I am rather astounded by one, how far into development Dinosaur Planet is, and two, that it actually exists. So, in light of all this new information and such, I decided to scribble down a few questions to spout forth. So, here we go.

All signs point to the Tricky dinosaur being the one from Diddy Kong Racing‘s Dino Domain. So, I must ask, is it?
If the answer to the last question was either a definitive “yes”, a vague “yes”, or a “no comment”-type answer, then will Dinosaur Planet hold the answers to all this “To Be Continued” business in Diddy Kong Racing?
The MP3’s are excellent. I love the jungle-esque sounds of the theme, and the African chanting in Ice Mountain and Discovery Falls. Who is the composer for Dinosaur Planet? I’m guessing David Wise. Now, how far off am I?
I didn’t feel any need to suck up and say something along the lines of “Ohh, dis game well be teh best one EVR!!”, as my general interest in the game probably alluded to the fact that it looks brilliant. And I certainly hope I won’t have to say “arse” just to be printed. Oh, wait. Well, I suppose that takes care of that problem.
Chad McCanna

Right then. Answers from Dino Planet’s Man In The Know are called for, I think.
“1. In a way… No. When the game started development he was the same dinosaur, but as it has now changed completely from the original design we’ve kept his name but essentially he’s a different dinosaur.
“2. Dinosaur Planet has no links whatsoever to Diddy Kong Racing. The ‘To Be Continued’ may be answered sometime in the future.
“3. You are exactly right, Mr. David Wise composed all the music for Dinosaur Planet. If everyone mails in (Oh no. – Ed) and asks for more then I’m sure Mr. Wise would be kind enough to let us put some new tracks on the site.”

Dear Peanut Butter Pixies:
Happy Easter! Candy is Yummy. But that’s not what I really want to talk about. I want to speak of Mumbo.
I’ve got the weirdest theory about him. What if that’s not scales on his skin? What if that’s actually his muscle tissue!? That would mean that when Gruntilda “transformed” him, she really just ripped off all his skin! So that’s not a mask, that’s really his skull. Ew… Never mind, then.
Something else… Must find another topic… ARG!!!! I can’t stop thinking about Juno! Why’d you guys make him perfect? Except for the huge eyes, of course. What is it with Rareware and eyes? You guys put eyes on everything. That really messes with paranoid people’s head. Stop it.
looks around to make sure there are no eyes watching her and hits “send”
-Amanda Marie Schroeder, a.k.a Kablooie!, evil twin of Kazooie (Bwaa ha ha ha ha ha haaaaaaaaaaa!)

Happy… Easter, yes. And a Happy, er, June to you too.
I’ll pass on the message about eyes to the Banjo team, but somehow I doubt it’ll have any significant impact. You know what they’re like. Incorrigible. As for the Mumbo theory, I can’t help thinking that he’d have bled to death by now. Something along the lines of that particular affliction does crop up in the sequel, however, and it’s nothing to do with Mumbo…

Scribes’ Arse!
I have at long last unraveled the mystery of Mr. Pants’ imprisonment! He and Mr. Trousers have been adversaries for years! Mr. Pants had his modest little survey job for Rare, But Mr. Trousers was always trying to move in on the operation, with his evil multinational telemarketing Survey system! He nearly put Mr. Pants out of business (though Mr. Pants could always have fallen back on his career in exotic dancing, ahem). Mr. Pants did plan a strategy! It turns out Mr. Pants streaked in front of Mr. Trousers’ house in protest! Mr. Trousers was taken aback and did call the police, but luckily they arrested the wrong suspect. Seems a Mr. Tripedox was also wandering around naked, asking people to reassure him he did have a penis. Meanwhile, Mr. Trousers plotted his evil revenge by calling his communist friend Diddy Kong to assist him in faking his death to frame Mr. Pants! Then he force fed Mr. Pants alcohol to make him appear drunk! We must band together! I will be holding a candlelight vigil for Mr. Pants on May 22 (unless something else is happening that day) and I have spoken to Cranky Kong about bringing Mr. Trousers to justice. He told me that if I didn’t get off his front porch he’d take his cane and shove it up my arse.
Scott Lochmoeller

How did the vigil go, then? Sorry I couldn’t make it, but I was busy, er, peeling potatoes for charity or something. Not that it matters where Mr. Pants is, because we hold all the rights to his image for the Survey page and no amount of notoriety is going to stop people sending in Pant-based RPAs by the dozen. In fact I don’t think the madness will end until… until Mr. Pants is killed off – once and for all! What do you say to that then, eh?

Salutaciones los Escribos:
Yes! Fallen is a fantastic film, and absolutely one of my favorites. From the Hitchcock-esque city chase to the neat little twist at the end with the narration, it was an almost perfect thriller. Unfortunately, besides my brother and I, I’ve only met maybe three people who have seen it, and only one who liked it. Asi asi. Although I think David Lynch’s Dune has to take the title for most underrated film ever.
Incidentally, it being noted that Banjo-Tooie multiplayer is not what we’d expect isn’t encouraging. Is the implication that Conker BFD multiplayer IS what we’d expect? Because I’m expecting a rather lamely-inserted fun-for-two-minutes type of bonus game.
I suppose that and my other questions will be likely answered at E3 — before the next Scribes — so I’m writing mainly to say that Fallen is indeed an underappreciated movie: I second that emotion. Nor is there any reason to print this, but c’est la vie.
T Reiley

It went just one twist too far at the end for my liking, but still, a clever little film all the same. You should see Resurrection. Similar sort of mood, and besides, when Christopher Lambert actually appears in a decent film you’ve got to make the most of it while you can. As for Dune, dunno about underrated – Maddest Film Ever, maybe.
From an early version of the BFD multiplayer system, I can tell you now that a lot of thought has gone into it and some kind of throwaway sub-game is exactly what it’s not going to be. Weasels with baseball bats, man – how can it go wrong?

Hi-Ho, Cheeri-o, and good to see that you have been “knocked up” (or something like that, this whole British language has me confused).
I recently visited your site and happened across the Scribe section, truly extra-ordinary 😉 It gives me the warm fuzzies to know that America does not have the monopoly on Wile-E-Coyote-ism (delusional, sometimes painful, and always entertaining beleif that one is a super genius). I would especially like to thank “De marvellous Rico Ricardo” for that inspired rendition of American Pants. Congradulations! I am sure your parents are proud. But, his angst has made me wonder why Europeans have such a negative image of Americans. We Americans are just victims of circumstance. As a brilliant American statesman once said “Don’t hate the player, hate the game”. I think I saw that on Judge Judy or something. Hey, at least we no longer have a president that thinks limited nuclear war in Europe is winable. I don’t think our new president George Bush Jr. will have any ideas of his own, so no worries there. Anywho, in all seriousness I hope that Rico Ricardo and little Elian will live happily ever after with Lucy once they get back to Cuba. Alright, so a few questions in the mandated format.

Do you actually reply to questions with responses that will address the reader’s concern?
On the QT will PD, BFD, and BT have sequels on the N64 or N2K, will we see any of this in Y2K? I need to know ASAP so I can make an RSVP. O.K. (BTW, what does O.K. stand for?)
Will there be a special British language version of Perfect Dark, and will it be worth importing this version to America?
One of the aliens in PD is reported to be named Elvis. This is an obvious homage to the joint alien-human repatriation project being conducted at Area 51. Will there be an Area 51 level in PD, and will the alien be the fat alien Elvis or the skinny alien Elvis?
Can you get me a date with the model who is portraying Joanna Dark?
Well I have to go, big arena football (no, not soccer) game to get ready for.
Yours truly,
Testiclees

You’ll notice that Mr. Ricardo’s scathing visual attack was also launched against the French – yes, us cheery Brits are just as keen to poke fun at people from other European nations as anywhere else in the world. We’re not fussy. Must be the vast power of irony at work (or our naturally evil tempers).

In Scribes? Occasionally, if the question’s not stupid and the information’s available. By personal reply? Not unless you’re very lucky. Just haven’t got time, ‘Naddy-boy, and most of the info requested is here on the site anyway if people would bother to look for it.
And sometimes we just don’t answer questions at all. See?
The voices are done by Brits anyway – see how convincing our American accents are!
Yes there is, and he’s a skinny little bugger.
I’m afraid I can’t think of an amusing way to say “no”.

MARY MOTHER OF GOD, MAKE IT STOP.
I read the attached message below in your “Scribes” section and almost vomited all over myself. How do you cope with such high levels of intelligence? The money must be pretty bleepin’ good.
“Dear Scribes, first thing i like to say thanks making the KISS ASS game goldeneye. next thin couirous about is release date for Perfect Dark in Austraila. At the moment it gonna be in US arond about June i think. Also thanks for making Jonna Dark look so HOT!! that she makes Larra Corft look so borring with her revolver pistoll comparded to Jonnas ROCKET LUNCHER!!!. S & J Longwood”
It is official: this is the worst f*#king letter I have ever read. I couldn’t write that bad if I tried. I’m gonna print and frame this bad boy for all to see. Long live the Longwoods.
Jeremy Fifer

Ah yes, I’ve always got time to relive the “ROCKET LUNCHER!!!” incident. Made me laugh almost as much as seeing the name ‘Ken Brilliant’ in the credits of The Lost World – that made me laugh so much I started to frighten myself.
You’re clearly such a fan of our less articulate readers, let me dig out another message from the arse end of hopelessness just for you…

Dear Scribes,
You know the bottom slit in the N64 When is the console which hooks into that coming out. The Dolphin is it a mith or true its suposed to be a new console And some people think that sony and nintendo are hooking up to create the ultimate console
Richardson

Mercifully, I’m distracted from trying to come up with a witty response to your ‘letter’ by the disorientating odour of this stale ham sandwich I’ve just found in my drawer.

Dear Scribes,
Obviously, what I have said has hurt a lot of people’s feelings and have made them stand up for women even more. Well you guys can play your sissy little Joanna Dark (what kind of name is that anyway?) and feel good that when you beat a level, you see your pussy ass girl character look at you as if she didn’t even know what she just did!! HA HA HA HA HA you are all mindwarped! Plus, I am sure that Perfect Dark will be a cool game because hey, it is Rareware we are talking about here and it is obvious that most of the staff at Rareware are lonely, single, geek males that have to create a woman character just to get a hard on. (I bet you never thought of it that way.) Well Rare, when you finally decide to make a manly game let me know so that I can help you out with the male gender and species because you obviously have no clue what it is about and neither do your brainwashed gamers!!!!!!!!!
Tripedox@aol.com

You do make us chuckle, Mr. Tripedox.

Dear Immature and Stupid Readers of Rareware,
I have been reading Scribes & Ask Uncle Tusk at Rareware and there is something that has been p*ssing me off. Whenever I go to Rareware to look at the new questions on Scribes, there is always a group of stupid questions that just take up space. Questions like “Can I have the BETA version of GoldenEye?” or “Can I have some secret codes that no one knows about?” or “Can I have Joanna Dark’s number?” Anyone with half a mind should know that the answer is “NO. Now go away you stupid idiot.” And Rareware should start keeping these emails from being put on the net.
~David Trevelyan
P.S.-Arse (This word must be said)

But it’s funny. And even the ones sadly lacking in tongue-in-cheek qualities are mainly the product of harmless idiots and not malicious, self-obsessed idiots like old Tripedox there, which is always a plus. Without a decent quota of rubbish, Scribes may as well be any old personality-free Q&A page – worse, in fact, because I can only get so many decent answers out of people for each edition, so we wouldn’t want the spotlight to start falling on genuine information or anything.
Besides, Beta GoldenEye will soon be available from this site at a cost of £446,000 plus enormous postage costs because it comes in a solid platinum cartridge six feet tall.
PS Stop being so immature and stupid.

Dear Scribes,
Piece by piece, Perfect Dark fans have gathered information on Perfect Dark from an innumerable range of sources, but it’s obvious that conflicting evidence is everywhere. Perfect Dark fans want to know the truth, straight from the source, regarding the following issues…
#5 – The Gore Factor
Screenshots are revealing, but they don’t tell the whole story. When actually playing the game, does it feel like you’re brutally massacring hundreds of people, or does it seem like you’re on a mission to save the world? Is paintball mode fun enough, or does it get completely cheesy after a few minutes? Do dead bodies remain scattered throughout the level, or do they disappear like in Goldeneye?
#4 – Co-op Controversy
There is a ton of discrepancy over this topic. Is co-op mode is available from the start so that you can beat new levels just like in single player, or can you only use co-op mode on levels that you’ve already beaten in single player? Also, many sources mention the fact that you “earn” computer controlled teammates that fight along side you as you progress in the game. Can you beat new levels with these characters on your side or can you only use them like cheats, only being able to play levels already beaten in single player?
#3 – Enemy AI
Is it as good as it’s been hyped up to be? We’ve all heard that the enemies are no longer senseless, running right out in front of your gunfire where the rest of their buddies are getting gunned down… But how good is it, really? If an enemy sees you, and you back up around a corner, do they have the sense not to blindly chase after you? Do they use expert moves like the following: strafing around corners, hiding behind objects, or banking grenades off walls? And does the AI increase as you move on in the game, or do their shots just become more accurate?
#2 – Complete Description of Multiplayer Levels
It’s the reason I, for one, have no doubts about the success of the game: multiplayer. So why can’t anyone give us a complete rundown of all the multiplayer levels? Which levels are available when you first turn on the cart? And which ones can you unlock and how do you unlock them? Less important, but still interesting, would be a list of all the characters available at the start and which ones can be unlocked. That’s not too much to ask, is it… =)
#1 – Frame Rate
It is the only remaining factor that could ruin the game. Though many people are more concerned about the questions above, they all pale in importance to the overall frame rate. What truly absorbs you into a game is how smooth it runs. It directly affects how in to the game you become and how much fun it is to play — especially true in games like Perfect Dark where you have a first-person view of the action. Unfortunately, there has been a mixed response from those who have actually played the game. Some say it’s completely smooth, some say its unbearably choppy. Smoothness is a hard thing to describe in words, so how does it compare to the frame rate in Goldeneye? And which modes suffer the most (Co-op, counter-op, multiplayer with many simulants, etc.)?
I know that it’s a ton of work to answer all those questions (unless you do them in your typical “I don’t know, arse”-style). Even if you can’t answer all of them, one or two thorough answers would be much appreciated.
Matt Bretl

Good Lord, that’s a large one. Let’s have some post-release designer gubbins for those of you that haven’t played it yet, then. No big giveaways, don’t worry – we’re being careful…
“#5 – It feels like you’re playing the game, and it depends what you do during the game as to how you feel. Paintball mode frees the mind to contemplate the very heights of philosophy. Bodies remain scattered throughout the levels AND disappear like in GoldenEye. Something for everybody.
“#4 – Yes.
“#3 – The enemies are a lot tougher, and in most cases more sensible about engaging you than many other games.
“#2 – Characters tend to be unlocked as you come across them in the multiplayer challenges and in the single player game. Unlocking all of the backgrounds means playing the multiplayer challenges. This is by no means a chore.
“#1 – It is at least as smooth as GoldenEye. If you load the machine up with Simulants and use an expensive background with effect-heavy weapons, you’ll get slowdown.”

Dear Scribes,
We have decided to let you know that Mr. Trout WILL be taking down Mr. Pants. We have already hired thirty-nine personal assassins to take Pants out. Mr. Trout will be replacing your beloved Pants, and we will make sure that no one gets in our way.
Enclosed is a 3D picture of Mr. Trout.
And here is the link to the Mr. Trout International Headquarters: http://homes.arealcity.com/trouthq
We have also composed a theme song for Mr. Trout; you’ll find it on the web page.
Once again, we demand you give Mr. Trout a job on your website, Rarewhere.
Oh, and thank you Mecha Mr. Ed, for designing Mr. Trout. You have given us a purpose in life.
The Mr. Trout Fan Club

Let this be a warning to any of you out there toying with rubbish picture attachment ideas of your own. Sit back and contemplate your decision before doing anything rash: there are people out there so horrifyingly impressionable that a few minutes spent messing about with MS Paint for you could trigger some freaky life-altering religious revelation for them. A rubbish picture attachment is for life, not just for Christmas.

Hello,
Just a few little niggly questions that I need to know.
1) Is Jo Dark British? It’s not very important but it would be nice to have a lovely British lady to accompany Commander J. Bond Esq. I have looked around on websites and nobody tells me anything. I heard a voice sample on Perfectdark.com and she had an American accent. Hmmm… I think I may have just answered my own question there… I’ll find out sooner or later.
2) What are ‘Marquis of Queensbury Rules’? Who are the buddies known as ‘Pugilist’, ‘Hotshot’ and ‘Hit and Run’?
3) I have just visited www.Perfectdark.com and it is very good. Just one question. What does ‘R&D’ stand for? I noticed it in DK64 (on the Frantic Factory doors) but didn’t pay much attention to it. On the website it takes you to the ‘making of PD’ section. I have a theory. Seeing as that is how Perfect Dark was made and Frantic Factory is a factory is it a place at Rare HQ where you make things?
4) Did you know there’s a place in France called ‘Arce’? Why don’t you move there or perhaps have a sub-factory there?
Sorry to ask the PD questions but the game isn’t out here yet (Why?) and I can’t wait. Call me greedy but that’s just the way I am. I am sure I will enjoy it because if I am in any way disappointed, I will be inconsoleable (is that how you spell it) for about a week and a half.
OK, bye.
Tobias Whale

‘Hello’, you say!!! That’s fantastic. Right, let’s haul that designer back in here…
“1. She has an English accent in the game… but she works for an organisation based in America… let’s put it down to her being a woman of mystery.
“2. No hitting below the belt unless the ref can’t see. If you can’t extrapolate the buddy types from this list, then you’re a poor case.
“3. R&D = Research and Development. Frantic Factory = No.
“4. There’s also a village called La Gros Sur Yon in France with a service station called ‘Garage Bastard’, which seems remarkably honest and/or belligerent.
“5. We could release it now but the boxes would be empty. And no.”

Dear Scribes,
Aha! Look what I have found hidden away in a little game… and it’s not even made by Rare!
That’s right- Mr. Pants is a POKEMON! I have the proof!
Right in screenshot numero uno, is Mr. Pants battling an Eevee. In screenshot numero dos, is Mr. Pants’ Pokedex file. This may be a baby Mr. Pants as it is only 3 ft tall and weighs only 41 pounds.
Its whole entry reads: To keep warm, this Pokemon hides from its surrounding in its obese pants. It’s also rumoured that he evolves into “Mrs. Panties” by age 47. Oh come now, we all saw it coming sooner or later! We all know he’s wearing panties under there!
-Bhlaab

You people are twisted. Why, when I was your age I kept myself busy writing harmless Spectrum programs which drew big green circles on the screen, printed ‘Arse’ in the middle then did a comedy farting noise. But you lot, no, you’re not content with just making yourself giggle in the privacy of your own room, you have to blatantly mess with people’s heads…

Cheerio-eeyo! RareMasta Loveday da homie’s in da house! Or something.
So, you had to put up with Juanita and “Bloody HatMan”, eh? So, you lost Jaques, eh? So, you don’t like my home cooking, eh? Well you can all just TAKE my arsepiggies and drench them in the juice of your own COLON! Yer.
Well, nevermind that.
After you wanting to see Jaques so much, I didn’t want to break your little heart, so here he is. (Ha ha. It didn’t work again. – Ed)
I’ve got an idea! You’ll be rich! You’ll be cherished by children! You’ll probably be sued! Pants’emon! Just imagine it! Cutesy little stick figure monsters that you need to catch in red briefs! The merchandising! The glory! Next up, “Tickle Me Leigh”! No, wait a minute, that would most likely scare all the children.
Excellent Diddy Kong fan art And as for rubbish picture attachments, using Microsoft Paint and some of my pet capybara’s faeces, I have made a fancy big picture of Lanky, and a picture of Diddy after he found out he was booted from being controllable in DKC3. (Aaah! this stupid American program tells me it’s spelled “Feces”, not “Faeces”! Stupid American version.)
Now with the irrelevant yet intriguing questions!

Why does the new picture of Mumbo Jumbo leaning on his mojo stick look so… cute and child-friendly for a Voodoo-practicing, skull-headed, possibly decomposing-at-the-face houngan?
If Gruntilda’s so almighty and magical, why doesn’t she just lift the rock with her telekinetic powers?
What’s your favourite? (Argh! Now it’s screwing around with “Favourite”!) Mr. Bean, or The Baldy Man?
Beano or Dandy?
Who was the genius who made Lanky spank his arse when you run and press B? It’s pure comedic inspiration!
Why the heck would Diddy need a potion to ride a jetpack? Cranky’s giving out placebos I tell ya! Placebos! It’s just Kool-Aid!
I understand why you call it Dinosaur Planet, but why are you a bunch of kitties in the game?
Well, that’s about all, see you.
Matt Stefaniuk, Sadistic Monkey Extraordinaire

Your rate of picture attachment success is actually going down rather than up, I’m relieved to say. Only one of the little ‘beauties’ came through this time – and let me assure you that we’re all too happy to live without the rest.
You’ve been beaten to the Pantsemon idea, too (see letter above)… and the scariest thing about it is that it ever occurred more than one person.

He’s a thoroughly decent chap really, and his caring, sharing nature shines through the potential grimness of his physical demeanour. Besides, the artist is a big wuss who’d make maggoty corpses look fluffy and adorable.
Because she’s a bit dead.
You call that a choice? Give me one of those unintentionally hilarious B-list American sitcoms like The Powers That Be any day.
Erm… Whizzer & Chips.
No matter how many times I confront DK64 team members with this question, they always look bewildered and claim that no such thing ever happens.
Look, now you’ve ruined the whole British feel with a single throwaway mention of ‘Kool-Aid’. You should have stuck with Dandelion and Burdock, man. Dandelion and Burdock rULezZZ!!!1!#
The official answer? “I don’t want to spoil the story for you but the characters Sabre and Krystal come from a different planet in an attempt to save Dinosaur Planet. The backgrounds to all the main characters will shortly be revealed on this very same website!”

Hello England,
here’s a short message from me, Remko Ruskus. I live in Holland and i came all this way to ask you one simple question: Were can i find the extra level in DK64? I mean the one Crunky mentioned(?) in the instruction-guide. He said that it is deleted but must be found somewhere. Can you give me a clou?
Greetings
rjc.ruskus@wanadoo.nl

Before anyone accuses me of printing this letter just to make fun of the inventive spelling, let me point out that I actually printed it because Remko Ruskus is one of the best names I’ve ever heard. Hey, Remko – do you know Ken Brilliant?
Oh yeah, the DK64 thing. Would that be the Great Girder Grapple? Nothing more than a Funny Joke in the manual, I’m afraid.

Scribes,
After some time, I have completed my intensive study of Scribes. My mission: find out how many times that “Mr. Pants” has been mentioned in the last two years or so. Note that the word “Pants” was accepted if it referred to the half naked stick man. I have discovered that the popularity of Mr. Pants depends on the specific Scribes you’re reading, but you’ll that Mr. Pants really became popular on the 11/10/99 edition of Scribes, and that the average Scribe has 6 mentions of Mr. Pants. Here goes-

Mr. Pants Scribe Chart
Thank you for waiting until my research was done to release Mr. Pants 64, though you claim it is not in the making currently. If it was released before I was done, I would have to work overtime. Er, enjoy it or something like that.
Kazooie007

I wouldn’t go that far. Had a bit of a quiet period in late ’98/early ’99, didn’t he? I’ll have to go back and see how I managed to fend off all the atrocious pictures and stuff for so long. Meanwhile, let’s have something a bit different from you lot in future, eh? Put one of our other characters in a pair of big red pants if you have to, but let’s give the man himself a bit of a rest (and the trout as well while you’re at it).

Dear Scribes,
Sons of bes, you are delaying perfect dark again? If you fs and nintendo delay perfect dark again I say f** it. I am gonna buy a damn dreamcast, I am really fing tired of waiting around whilst you and nintendo, you wishy-washy brds, keep fing delaying this game. I have been waiting 2 years for this sht. Just a hint of advice you fs, there is such a thing as too long a wait and there is such a thing as losing your loyal fans. I was prepared to buy all of your great looking games like bfd and dp and bt. DON’T disapoint us again, you will regret it. It’s no threat just a promise.
PapinoWldm@aol.com

We didn’t delay it again. It didn’t occur to you to find out whether or not there was actually any truth to these dodgy rumours you’d been hearing before diving headlong into a rampant lower-case swear-fest based on no information whatsoever? Now you just look stupid.You tw***ing c***f***.

Hi,
I was looking at the E3 review and it mentioned that your birthday was May the 14th. Was this when Ultimate begun, or just Rare? I checked the Chronicles but didn’t see it. What a coincidence that I share the same birthday with my favorite computer game company. Also, I notice that you said Tooie‘s coming out in late Summer. Is that your Summer up there in England, or our Summer down here in Australia.
-Si
PS If you want more birthday greetings, you should let us know when it is in future.

May 14th is the site’s birthday. I’d wish you a happy birthday for the same day, but I notice you didn’t wish us one so I’ll just sit here and sulk instead. Tooie’s late Summer release date is for the NTSC version, so I’ve no idea what season it’ll be when it hits the shelves in your crazy meteorologically-inverted neck of the woods.
PS No, you should remember, you hurtful swine. Honestly.

Dear Scribes,
A few questions about your newest announcement in easy-to-understand Roman Numeral format. Uh, you do have Romans in Twycross, don’t you?
I) So… how are you?
II) Exactly what kind of format are we looking at for this game? Is it going to be platform like Mario? More shooter, like JFG? Will it have some trace RPG elements, like Zelda? Readers want to know, hon.
III) What gave you guys the idea to use cat-type-persons? Meow?
IV) C’mon, now. Is this the same Tricky the Triceratops from DKR? I wouldn’t ask, except I just did…
V) Fun for all ages, eh? It’s not going to be… cute… is it? Not that I care, really… I really think some “cute” game makers patronize kids, though, you guys included. You make games that try to be cool. Don’t try to be cool, man. Just be real. Keep it real… Of course, that’s just my opinion, and you guys value my opinion. Or, at least, that’s what that magic phone voice says. Okay, so maybe I do care. That’s only because I love you guys. sniff
Yer me besht mate… hic
Scott Zdankiewicz (deceased)
PS Aaaaaagggggghhhh!!!
Everyone loves a good Monty Python joke, eh?

I. To tell you the truth, mate, my throat’s sore, I haven’t had enough sleep and basically I couldn’t half do with… oh, right, you were just being polite.
II. Quick quote from the DP main man: “It has all the elements you mentioned (and more).”
III. Been here before…
IV. …and here.
V. Another quickie: “No it isn’t cute in the sickly sense, but it is aimed at all ages.”
PS Especially if it’s The Meaning of Life. Go on, do the Penis Song. Oh, go on.

Dear Scribes,
I wish to file a formal complaint against your client, a “Monty Pants”, after allegations of assault by the alleged victim, a “Happy Bob”. At approximately 2:00 pm at an unknown location, the victim claimed to have looked to his left to see Mr. Pants walk across his shoulder to slap him in the face twice. That is not all though, as mere seconds afterwards, an equally hideous crime took place. As Mr. Bob got over the terrible ordeal and continued his everyday routine, he looked to his right to see a suspected accomplice of Mr. Pants, a “RareNetDan”, walk across his other shoulder to also slap him in the face twice before walking off. Mr. Bob claims that Mr. Dan was under the unwitting influence of Mr. Pants, possibly through some bizarre means of brainwashing. My client requests that Mr. Pants is to publicly apologise or else court action will be taken. The entire ordeal has been filmed by a security camera witness and can be seen on the attached surveillance clip.
-HappyBob, a particularly (:Happy:) person who likes ham

Ah look, it was all okay in the end. Lovely. Well, at least that’s a bit more original, and Mr. Pants only had a cameo role, so we’re getting somewhere already. Nice guess at his real first name, too, but it’s still not right. Must remember to squeeze that in as a tie-breaker when I can find enough tat to update Win Stuff…

Dear Sir / Madam / ?
I am writing to you as I believe I have found a significant continuity blunder in the PD storyline. Yes.
The following appears on the Story So Far page for PD N64:
“Cue freshly-qualified Agent Joanna Dark, codenamed Perfect Dark thanks to her unprecedented achievements in training. Her first real assignment could hardly be of more importance…”
And this appears on the GameBoy PD page:
“…a completely original adventure detailing Agent Dark’s final stages of training at the Carrington Institute, and her first real chance to prove herself in a combat situation.”
You can probably tell where I’m going with this – that’s right, Jo’s pic on the Story So Far page is damn hot! No, wait, sorry, that wasn’t my point… Ah yes, of course, my point is: if both games portray her first mission, and the GB version is a “completely original adventure”, then it would seem as if each game would have to be a prequel to the other one, which is of course impossible. So what gives? Who pantsed up? Perhaps your N64 and GB storywriters should get together once in a while… Unless it’s the same person, in which case you should hire someone without Alzheimer’s.
Jason

Aha! Aha! Nobody ‘pantsed up’ – the potential ‘pants-up’ was spotted and averted by modifying the plot of the GBC version to deal with the field test that forms the final stage of Joanna’s training rather than her first actual post-training assignment. Admittedly it’s easily mistaken for a proper assignment when the field test gets a bit out of control and Joanna finds herself dragged into all sorts of shooty-sneaky conspiracy shenanigans, but hey, espionage – what can you do?

Dear Scribes,
Where is the sense in releasing a game, designed in England, in America and Australia first? Bloody Australia!
Surely the country responsible for making Perfect Dark possible, should be the first to taste it.
Are we not important enough to get equal release dates? After all, Rare created Goldeneye – the best N64 title on earth.
I call it discrimination.
Is THE Games responsible or is it Nintendo themselves? Whoever it is should be ashamed of themselves. The Americans are playing PD right this second and are probably having multiple heart failure due to the sheer quality. We, third best, British however have to wait and wait until the rest of the world have completed it and released all the f-ing cheat codes.
According to Howard Lincoln, “the majority of releases will get a European release at almost exactly the same time as America and Japan”. – N64 Magazine 21.
ALMOST EXACTLY, MY ARSE!! 39 days difference. What the hell is going on?
This game is too important for red tape to get in the way. If this kind of failure continues, people will lose faith in the industry and find other ways to amuse themselves, such as reading books on how to murder people who have no idea what PR means!
It’s not fair.
This email won’t make any difference to the situation. All I can do is hope that it improves in future, but that’s not likely.
Ali ‘lost faith’ B.

This happens with every game – it’s just more obvious with games that come surrounded by this much anticipation. There was talk of a universal release for PD at one point back in the dim and distant development past, but I’ve no idea what eventually happened to that little brainwave.
Anyway, all we can do is get the game and a worthy PAL conversion out as soon as possible (yes, we might publish, but we don’t distribute), and all THE can do is release the thing as soon as they’ve got enough copies. The PAL territories just don’t match up to the size of the NTSC territories, which means they’re deprioritised when it comes to production and distribution schedules – sad but true.
Anyway, look on the bright side – a month between the NTSC and PAL releases is a lot less than it used to be. You’ll get your hands on PD soon enough…

Bah…
I recently bought Blast Corps… used (what a cheap **** I am), but I had a question. What occurs when one gets all the platinum times?
I hope for this:
Twenty new planets filled with carrier levels and mini-games galore.
What I’ll probably get:
Good job. You beat the game.
So, what actually happens, and explain it without too many insults.
Zablotny

Um… let’s just say you shouldn’t be too optimistic. In fact you’re probably being too optimistic already. But I won’t spoil the surprise for you because then you might not bother spending day after day fighting and cursing your way through the last infuriating Platinum stages, and that’d be a prime comedy situation gone to waste.

Dear Scribes,
Why is there a level in Perfect Dark called the Car Park? I thought we settled this a long time ago: there is no such thing as a car park in America! That level doesn’t even qualify as a parking lot! In fact, it is a parking garage (don’t tell me you crazy Brits don’t know what a garage is)! I made it quite clear that Americans don’t know what a car park is, so I’ve concluded that you named that level Car Park only to annoy me. I don’t know whether to be angry or proud…
-Carmine

Of course we know what a garage is. It’s pronounced ‘garridge’ and it’s where you go to fill up with petrol. Or park your car when you get home. It’s multi-storey car parks you’re thinking of, mate.

Dear intelligent imbeciles,
Let’s see… How can I get this letter printed? I have to do something to get Mr. Editor Person’s attention. Oh, I know!!!
FALCON PUNCH!!!
Pick up your teeth and listen.
You probably consider this a dead subject, but I have some comments about Conker’s BFD. I’m not going to try to convince you that it was wrong to make it rated “M”, but don’t you think doing that is just a teeny, weeny, beeny, er, meeny bit unfair to the gamers who have been waiting for Twelve Tales since approximately the seventh day of Creation? Okay, maybe it wasn’t quite that long, but it was several years. Perfect Dark fans, how would you have felt if, several months before Perfect Dark was to come out, Rareware announced that they were making some radical changes to the game. It would be rated “EC”, and would be called Joanna Dark Learns Her ABC’s. Yeah, well, that’s about how I feel.
–Escort84
P.S.- Dinosaur Planet looks great. If it gets an “M” rating, I shall be forced to beat the stuffing out of Donkey Kong with the Home Run Bat.
P.P.S.- Oh NO!!! This entire letter actually makes sense! I must DO something! SADGIJWHGIEWQUO!!! Ican racee with Jamse bBond In DKRR!! Will u give me every game everr mader? Iewrkjler??? BBBBBBB!!!! Look I can stand on myhead! U put kidDy kogn In donosuar planett? There.

But the Falcon Punch is crap. It’s far too slow. You should concentrate on really annoying people by repeatedly nailing them with the mid-air throw, then… hang on, I’ve fallen for your sinister trap! Curse you.
The main flaw in your PD/Conker analogy lies with the fact that there are already plenty of traditional 3D adventures available and upcoming for the N64 (many of them ours), while the choice for Mature gamers and hardcore shooter fans is significantly smaller. Therefore changing one of the hundreds of available family-friendly games into a product for the Mature audience is much more of a fair deal than vice versa. You’ve still got Banjo-Tooie and Dinosaur Planet coming from us to look forward to: if it had been PD that we’d changed, where would that have left all the GoldenEye fans?
Let’s have some last words from the Conker team: “Why is it a dead subject? Anyway, if you don’t like what the team’s doing with the product don’t buy it. It’s that simple… Why do people like you feel the need to complain all the time? If you’ve got nothing constructive to say, say nothing! Good day.”

Dear Scribes,
I don’t see why Donkey Kong loves his golden bananas so much. If they’re golden they can’t be eaten and all he does with them is put them in a cave and leaves them there. And while I was swimming in Gloomy Galleon, I swam into a ship and saw a bunch of pictures of Kaptain K.Rool. And another thing. Why does everyone think Tiny is so great? I don’t think Tiny is so great! I like Chunky! Can you see Tiny smashing an iron gate down with a single punch? And if K.Rool wants DK island so much, why doesn’t he swim to the island, take out a hand cannon, and force the Kong family out?
Randy Fidler

I think ‘Remko Ruskus’ has just been outclassed. As for your points: cold, hard logic doesn’t necessarily lead to entertaining gameplay, does it, eh?

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