7 Deadliest Sinning Rare Characters
Accusing Rare of tampering with the forces of evil with a malicious intent might seem a bit of a stretch, and it won’t get you invited to many of our parties, but it’s still an interesting perspective. A few examples range from the ritualistic ZX Speccy title Pentagram or Taboo: The Sixth Sense that turns your Nintendo Entertainment System into a Time Machine, and a portal to Cthulu’s Lair… or something. Then there’s the scrapped Bottle’s Revenge feature for Banjo-Tooie that turned dear old Bottles into a devil to cause havoc for the player. What could all of this mean you ask? Probably nothing, you nut, but that’s not going to stop us from analyzing perhaps the most well known trope of sinning and apply it haphazardly to Rare’s cavalcade of characters. Take a look see if your favorites have been renowned for their traits of Gluttony, Envy, Wrath, Lust, Greed, Sloth and Pride. As an added testament to our unrelenting boredom, we’ve included an appropriate punishment that each character will have to endure to seek retribution. These are the 7 Deadliest Sinning Rare Characters.
#7. GLUTTONY – SCOFF (DONKEY KONG 64)
Making themselves quick adversaries of the DK Crew, unnaturally blue hue hippo Scoff and his piggish pink partner Troff stand atop a massive scale just outside their Boss Doors. Since Troff has eaten too much, he can’t reach the key to open the door, but if you can weigh Scoff down with an offering of bananas you’ll effectively tilt the scales. It all seems rather easy at first with Donkey and Diddy feeding Scoff some yellow and red bananas respectively, but with each Kong added to the fray and the farther you progress in the game, the more bananas you’ll have to feed Scoff to have him outweigh his equally obese friend with 1,680 bananas eaten when all is said and done. He’s probably waiting for more too, the self-serving anthropomorphic hungry hungry hippo.
Appropriate Punishment: Forced to run a lap with Troff’s cousin, Wizpig for every banana consumed.
#6. ENVY – KALUS (KAMEO: ELEMENTS OF POWER)
Taking Sibling Rivalry to a whole new level, Kalus of Kameo: Elements of Power fame quickly finds herself a tad envious of her sisters titular abilities. By ‘tad’ we of course mean that Kalus prolapses into a fit of jealousy using her magical prowess to kidnap and relentlessly torture extended relatives of her family before breaking the enchantment that kept the opposing Troll king Thorn and by extension the massive Troll army at bay, allowing them to wreak havoc once again. We’re not one to point fingers when it comes to raising your children properly, but perhaps if Kalus had gotten more hugs when she was younger, maybe she would have dealt with her loss by running away from home, over, you know, bringing about the destruction of her own kind.
Appropriate Punishment: Forced to reconcile with Kameo and turn herself into a stone fountain ornament.
#5. WRATH – WIZPIG (DIDDY KONG RACING)
When discussing antagonists Wizpig’s backstory from Diddy Kong Racing all is well until you attempt to explain his motive. The big pig was never wronged in the past by Diddy and his friends, nor were they even aware of his existence. Instead, has literally no reason for showing up unannounced on Timber Island and closing up the works, and using his magic prowess to control and transfigure it’s carefree residence. When Wizpig is properly dispatched in the final race, he accepts his defeat and returns to his home world – oh wait, no, instead he crashes the party that was thrown in celebration of his defeat and uses his daunting girth to stomp around the beach trying to flatten the racers. What is this pig’s problem? Our guess: unsightly spandex spacesuit.
Appropriate Punishment: Forced to take therapy with Taj. “Can I help you further? Bye-bye for now!”
#4. LUST – JAMES BOND (GOLDENEYE 007)
We realize that James Bond has quite a lot riding on his shoulders when his job description is literally save the world. But somehow when you take into consideration that the femme fatale sent to kill him can only do so by wrapping herself around him, shrieking with ecstasy, and escaping with Bond Girl Natalya Simonova without filling her with bullets first results in a heavy petting session in the middle of a steamy jungle – it’s quite difficult to feel sorry for him. As if his massive ego didn’t need any more stroking – it always rises to meet the occasion – he’s left only to return to London and pay a visit to Money Penny while lathering her with innuendos and empty promises after knocking boots with two other women. For England James? No, for me.
Appropriate Punishment: Forced to father all three hundred of his illegitimate children.
#3. GREED – CONKER (CONKER’S BAD FUR DAY)
Hardly elbowing his way through the ranks for the spot of best role-model, Conker the Squirrel of titular Bad Fur Day fame has probably committed his share of sins before he’s finished his first drink, and perhaps even some we’ve never even heard of. Still, if it’s a lack of subtlety you’re gunning for, look no farther than the games collectible cussing currency that Conker snatches up with vigor. Each task that the Red Squirrel takes part in has the incentive of the green stuff, making his eyes comically roll into dollar sign at the mere sight. Like his drinking habits, Conker is hardly one to show any restraint, and after a calamity of events, the sober Squirrel finds himself a bona fide millionaire after breaking into and robbing the federal reserve. Jetpacks and Butlers, here we come.
Appropriate Punishment: Actually, the ending of Bad Fur Day was more than enough.
#2. SLOTH – NABNUT (BANJO-KAZOOIE)
Finding himself high up in the treetops of Click Clock Wood, the self-serving Squirrel, Nabnut is looking to gather up nuts for the coming winter months as Squirrels are wont to do. Unlike his furry counterparts however, Nabnut has eaten into his stockade during the Summer and by Autumn is left without a nut to last him through the winter. Rather than getting off his his hairy backside and look for nuts himself, he tasks Banjo and Kazooie with collecting the scattered nuts from the perilous heights of the massive tree – something more suited for a Squirrel, perhaps. Once the Bear and Bird duo manage to save Nabnut from starving himself to death, the pair who risked their lives out on thin branches are rewarded with a single Jiggy. Good to know it means so much, Nabnut…
Appropriate Punishment: Forced to live out the Grasshopper and Ant tale as the Grasshopper.
#1. PRIDE – T.T. (BANJO-KAZOOIE NUTS & BOLTS)
Finding himself as the self proclaimed most modest Cheetah ever, as well as being his own #1 fan, Trophy Thomas just can’t get enough of himself, which is coincidently an infinite amount more of how much we can stand him. The resident of Showdown Town is in the works of building a massive statue of himself overlooking the tiny square below offering anyone with free time and a lack of self worth to meet him to boast onward and outward. No stranger to competition, Trophy Thomas is up for a race against Banjo and Kazooie during specific challenges, if you happen to beat him however he’s sure to change up the rules and accuse the Bear and Bird duo of unseen cheating. The best bit? When you happen to beat him to hear his wails of despair.
Appropriate Punishment: Forced to watch an overweight bear and has-been Breegull top all of his scores.
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