Banjo-Kazooie Scribes Excerpts (1998)

 The following excerpts detailing the development of Banjo-Kazooie. was originally published on Rare’s Scribes letter page from 1998-2011. We’ve scoured each edition in order to provide you with every mention of the title to be found in Rare’s posted answers in chronological order below.  We’ve also included a link above each heading which will re-direct to the original letters page that the question was featured in should you wish to view it in the original context – otherwise you’ll find that the entries below only focus on answers related to Blast Corps. for a comprehensive listing for any fan wanting further information on pre-release content, hidden easter eggs, abandoned features and development secrets:
June 23rd 1998:

Dear RW,
TIPTUP RULES!!!!!!!!!!!!? MAKE A WHOLE GAME ABOUT HIM!!!!!!!!!!!? HE’S THE RADEST TURTLE EVER!!!!? I BEET FIRST AND SECOND ADVENTURE WHITH HIM!!!!!!!!? WILL I EVER SEE HIM ANY OTHER GAME BESIDES DKR?!?!?!? I’VE GOT TIPTUP FEVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!? PLEASE RESPOND, PLEASE RESPOND, PLEASE RESPOND, PLEASSSEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!! (Forgot to take caps lock off.)
jsrmd@mtwest.net

You forgot to disengage your unique Exclamation Lock key as well, you jabbering madman. Look, look! We’ve crowbarred a cameo appearance from Tiptup into Banjo-Kazooie for no other reason than to make you buy it. Are we really mean? Yes. We are.

June 24th 1998:

Dear Scribes,
Excellent Site, Good Work…
Ok here are some questions and statements I want to get off my chest (as well as the hairs):

  1. Mr Pants looks a bit ‘too’ much like Hitler in a nappy, you’re not German by any chance are you?
  2. Being a Brit I get pretty ape crazy at those Jap companies giving me conversions with huge borders and 17.5% slowdown, then when they do give us a decent conversion it takes them about 2 years to do it. I thank you for giving us such good conversions (perfect conversions in fact) but with the newer games using more of the machine’s power does that mean even your games will start getting bordered?
  3. Does PAL Banjo-Kazooie run fullspeed fullscreen and when is it coming out?
  4. What is it with Rare and fluffy animals? You lot must have pretty twisted minds.
  5. I’ve got $500 so can I have the Perfect Dark ROM pleaseeeeeeeeeee?
  6. WHY NOT???!!???
    Ed Welsby (tyrant.ed@virgin.net)
  1. What, you mean he’s got a ‘tache? So Mario looks like Hitler in dungarees, does he?
  2. We’re not going to intentionally let that happen, no. We’ll just whip the programmers harder.
  3. Yes, yes and the end of July.
  4. Are we the ones comparing cartoon characters to fascist dictators here?
  5. Yes, alright.
  6. Hang on, I said yes. You don’t want it after all? Sod you then.
Scribes,
Can’t be ars.. er… bothered writing much and you probably can’t be bothered reading it.
Questions:
1) Is Perfect Dark the follow up to Goldeneye or are you going to make another Bond game AS WELL?
2) Is Banjo-Kazooie going to make it to the U.K before August????
3) Conker’s Quest has been talked about since Mario (64) times, and looked an exciting prospect then (not that I’m into squirrels or anything like that), but everybody seems to have forgotten it? Have YOU?
4) Any chance you might make a realistic racing game (the first GOOD F1 game on the N64 maybe)?
5) Why are all the other companies so BAD at making games??????
6) Er….. got any questions I could ask you?
Much ta. Letter 2 long. By.
Hoofrid! (Hoofrid@aol.com)

1) PD is a follow-up only in the sense that it’s being developed by the GoldenEye team, and it runs on an improved version of the GoldenEye engine. No, we’re not working on another Bond game. Pay more attention in class.
2) Just about. July 31st, as far as we know.
3) You must have some weird ideas about the process of game development if you think a whole team can just turn up for work one morning and spend the day milling around in confusion, having completely forgotten about the game they were working on.
4) Dunno. We might. Who’s asking?
5) Oooh, you bitch.
6) What about “Why is Mr. Pants so crap?” That’s always popular.

August 28th 1998:

Greetings writer o’ the scribes.
I was having a nice sit down and a cup of luke warm tea the other day when it hit me that I had never finished a game by Rare. Reaching the regular old K. Rool on the Kong games is easy enough, but then I had forgotten about the Lost World and the bleedin’ TUFST cheat on DKC3. I have since been lost in my room trying to get that legendary 105% so I can beat Cranky and be happy for the rest of my life.
Why do you Rare guys make your games so hard? Ever since I started this I haven’t been able to concentrate on my shiny and spanking new PAL copy of Banjo-Kazooie. Do you purposefully make your games this way so hard-working people like me pull our hair out?
And that’s it.
mark@motivesoft

So it’s not the main game that’s hard, it’s the bonus bits bolted onto the end… that’s good, surely? Because then all the kiddies and stupid people have a chance to make it all the way through, while the hardened gameplaying psychopaths can get their money’s worth by hammering away at the extra challenges like budgies at a window. That’s sort of the plan.

Dear Scribes,
JINJO!!! The first time I heard that said, I felt such a sense of accomplishment. Then, after finding the fifth, I heard all five yell excitedly in unison. WHAT A RUSH!!!
I’m just wondering why there is such a lack of Jinjo art. They’re so damn cute. I bought the BK Player’s Guide and the only Jinjo art in the book was a picture of their heads. There needs to be a group shot for these underestimated prisoners of BK. After all, they are the key to the whole game. Without them, Banjo and Kazooie would be toast, and Banjo-Tooie would be visions of their funeral. So, how ’bout it, what about a Jinjo group shot. SAVE THE JINJOS!!!
FuSoYa1@aol.com

Happy Jinjos Okay, okay, you win… for you and all the other dribbling (and possibly perverted) Jinjo fanatics out there, here’s a lovely polygonal group shot of the only three of the buggers I could find. Have, er, fun with it.

Dear Scribes,
I just today finished Banjo-Kazooie with all 100 jiggies, and got done watching these pictures you won’t be able to access until the sequel. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU GUYS AT RARE? That’s basically saying, “Oh, here, you can have most of the game you paid 50$ for, but you’ll have to pay 50$ more for the rest of it, okay?” I don’t feel safe buying Rare games anymore because I may have to pay double to see everything in it. That just makes me feel appalled.
And guess what? I don’t have to get Banjo-Tooie to get into Sharkfood Island or the Ice key. I can just use a GameShark! Yes, even as we speak, a secluded gamer with no life is desperately hacking into Banjo-Kazooie and eventually, he will find a code to unlock these secrets! Bwa ha ha, I’ve deprived the greedy hags of Rare of 50$!
A very appalled person

Sigh. The secrets were added to the game’s ending as an added bonus for those who played through to the end, not a vicious taunt as so many of you seem to think. Just think – if we hadn’t put them in at all, we’d have had none of this trouble and you’d be none the wiser. But we didn’t, because we thought it’d be a nice surprise for devoted players. Shows how much we know about human nature.

Dear Scribes,
I have a suggestion for your website. Being from the USA, I am completely fooled by the English vocabulary you guys use. When I was filling out the suggestion form, I was puzzled by the words ‘clive’ and ‘dinkers’. I mean, what the heck is a clive?! So I would really appreciate it if you would have a translation of vocabulary page. It would be 50% joke and 50% helpful. I’d know I would look at it! I also have another question. My friend said that he pressed buttons one day in a level in Banjo-Kazooie and the ice key door was opened! I don’t know if he’s telling the truth or lying, so I would also like that issue cleared up. Thanks for reading my letter!
Michael D9

That’s just Mr. Pants. He’s a bit eccentric when it comes to wordage (amongst other things). ‘Dinkers’ is a mutated form of ‘dinky’, meaning nice/cute, a word quite possibly used by no-one else in the country. And ‘Clive’ is of course an affectionate reference to Sir Clive Sinclair, mental ginger inventoholic who just happened to come up with the Sinclair Spectrum all those years ago.
Yeah, all you have to do to get all the secrets in B-K is ‘press buttons’. We’re amazed nobody figured it out sooner.

Hey, Rare,
I just finished BK and have to give you ANOTHER standing ovation! I’ve been buying your games since DKC and have ALWAYS been impressed with the detail and sheer FUN of your games. Banjo-Kazooie is just another example of why Rare will be around for quite a long time… I also wanted you to know that the “older” players are out there and buying your games. Even a 31-year-old loves the overly-cuteness of the DKC and BK titles… Keep it up! (BTW: When will BK2 be coming out? 😉
Waiting in anticipation…
Matt Gomes

You see? This is what the world should be like. None of this hair-raising bloodlust and addiction to heavy artillery – just loads of people of all ages scampering about in lurid green fields with their mutant animal chums.

Dear Scribes,
How in the name of the voodoo god did you manage an “Everyone” rating on Banjo-Kazooie with such extensive use of the words “butt” and “dung,” characters like Mr. Loggo and his, erm, pile of stuff down below, Kazooie’s voicing of his opinion as to where the giant ice key should go, and in the last battle, Grunty’s proclaiming that she has to take a leak? You must have threatened some lawyers with crosses and holy water to pull that off.
The oh-so-great and wonderful PhReaKy MoNKeY

Come on, it’s not exactly hardcore filth, is it? ‘Butt’ and ‘dung’ are both legitimate words, neither of which are ever likely to be used again by anyone who’s discovered their stronger alternatives: same goes for ‘taking a leak’. And toilets are naturally amusing. Overall I thought we exercised admirable restraint. Crosses and holy water, though – we didn’t stand a chance with any of that…

September 25th 1998:

Dear Scribes,
I have to say before I begin, that Banjo-Kazooie is a great game, but there is one thing that I can’t stand: those stupid Jinjos.
Cute?! CUTE?!!!! Obviously whoever said that has a wall full of ceramic cats and lawn gnomes. All they do is yell at you (and now and then whistle) to save their sorry butts. In the players guide, it says they are birds, so why don’t they just fly away? And if they can’t do that, they got feet! Dumb Birds… No wonder Mumbo Jinj…er…Jumbo wears that mask so we can’t tell that he is as well a Jinjo just so I don’t get the hidden PP7 in Clanker’s Cavern and shoot his sorry hide… he dare turn me into a washine machine…
On a side note, howzabout you put Banjo and Bond in a game! Yeah, I can see it now, Banjo hunts down the Jinjos, puts them in a tennis ball machine (y’know the ones that shoot the tennis balls, duh) and Bond can use them as target practice before he goes out and ventilates Gruntilda. YEAH!!!
Anyhoo, I believe I have wasted a tidy sum of your precious few minutes. I’ll let you explain to the children out there where you dirty rats put the PP7 (Hint: There is a secret chamber underneath Clanker’s head). Keep the games on rolling!
-PP7POLTERGEIST

You make a number of sensible points. No, hang on, I was looking at the wrong letter. (Comedy turn to camera.)
The Jinjos have been magically rooted to the spot by Gruntilda, don’t you read the blurb, man? And here’s what the artist responsible had to say in response to your other foul accusations:
“The Jinjos are not birds, they are Jinjos. One defining characteristic feature of the bird family, a feature that makes it stand out from other creatures such as mammals and reptiles, is WINGS. Now look at a Jinjo, it has a head, two legs and quite obviously two ARMS!
“And as for this crazy idea that Mumbo may share some common body parts with the Jinjos – what a load of nonsense, do you really think that the artist would be that cheap? :)”

Dear Scribes,
So when are you going to stop printing those letters written by people who hate us Americans with a vengeance (i.e. Sam Kirk). Gee we “lazy-assed” Americans don’t make any good games, do we? We must suck. All we must do is sit on our lazy American bums and watch pointless TV programs. We don’t make any good games at all. Ok, enough of the sarcasm. We (well, not me) do make good games. I will list just a few: Turok, WCW VS. NWO: World Tour, all three Star Wars games (Episodes 4, 5, 6) for SNES, SOTE, WWF Warzone, MK4, Twisted Metal 1 and 2, Colony Wars, Wipeout XL. The list goes on and on. Some upcoming good games by us stupid Americans: Turok 2, Rogue Squadron, Revenge, Rogue Trip, Vengeance, etc, etc etc… Well I hope the Anti-Americans can see that the American game industry doesn’t suck at all, and we do in fact make great games. Thanks for listening,
Rick Coan

Mr. Sam Kirk is also American, as far as I could tell. Very PC. And it’s the letters that actually have something to say that get printed, simple as that – there’s no prejudice on our part. What do you want, a page full of people saying “Banjo’s dead good” and me saying “Oh, cheers”? How riveting would that be?
Of course the games industry (in America as in any other part of the world) turns out some quality stuff to make up for the inevitable dross, or it would have collapsed in on itself years ago. Still, inflammatory letters are always welcome – you can’t beat a good slanging match, even in text form.

Dear Scribes,
Ahhhh!!!! I hate you!!! You’ve spoiled life for me!!! I had so much fun playing Banjo that any other platform game just does NOT cut it in the least! What am I to do, play Spyro the Dragon? BOR-ING! So I just wanted to thank you for ruining the one little bright spot in an otherwise drab existence. “Thanks” she said sarcastically.
Jennifer Starling

Rare Says: Oh no! It’s a letter saying “Banjo’s dead good”. How inconvenient. Er, we’ll try to get Banjo-Tooie out as soon as possible without making it crap. Are you any relation to Joseph?
(PS Oh, cheers.)

Dear Scribes,
In BK, in the begining when Banjo first meets Bottles, he acts like he doesn’t know who that mole is. But, the funny thing is, if you go to Banjo’s extremely small house you see a picture of Bottles over his fireplace. My guess: either the program guys aren’t the brightest apples in the bunch, or Banjo is stalking Bottles. Which is it?
Rick Coan (again)

Come on, it’s never been much of a secret that Banjo fell off the stupid tree at an early age. And Bottles, kind and sensitive soul that he is, always tries to take the bear’s comical slow-wittedness into consideration when talking to him.

October 7th 1998:

Dear Scribes,
You guys suck! You deny everything! I should put my foot so far up your arse that you’ll have to use the jaws of life to get it out! You won’t admit to KI3, Goldeneye 2, and Tiptup 64! I know what really happned with the next Bond game, you guys couldn’t snag the rights to even make the game! Now you guys are trying to snag the rights for next year’s Bond film. Hehehehehehehehehe. I know just about everything! I’m just like Santa Claus, I’m the monster under your bed, I’m an American FBI agent! (hehe) I know everything that you do. Hehe. Take a look in my eye, you know I’m telling the truth.
Also Banjo got shot yesterday by Kazooie in my home, yes there were gunshots and egg yolk all over the wall, but some people think that it was Bond that shot Banjo, because birds can’t hold guns but, police detectives are checking it out. I do not know who shot Banjo because I was not home.
Well good luck in the future, I’ll be watching…… hahahahahahaha.
AAHawkeye@aol.com

Let me get this straight – would we ‘not suck’ if we didn’t deny things, even if they were a load of made-up old tat? And how can you emphatically state that “Banjo got shot by Kazooie yesterday” then admit that you don’t really know who shot him because you weren’t there? It’s all circumstantial, as far as I can tell. Can you prove she wasn’t framed? How do you know it wasn’t suicide?

Dear Mister Scribes,
I’ve got some suggestions for possible games that you might like to try using:

  1. South Park UK: Pip’s Revenge. Pip gets so p*ssed off with everyone teasing him that he throws lethal dodgeballs at them. Unfortunately, there’s lots of bad guys in his way.
  2. Bill The Sausage Man. Bill The Sausage Man, everyone’s favourite Sausage Man, battles through his meat-hating world and finally meets Fat Tub Of Lard.
  3. Banjo And Kazooie Make Toast. When Gruntilda is reincarnated as a piece of bread, it’s up to Banjo and Kazooie to get her before she gets away (even though bread doesn’t have any legs or wings) then put her into a toaster and watch her burn in toaster hell.
  4. Dr. Fegg’s Nintendo Book Of Knowledge. Based on the book, Dr Fegg’s Nasty Book Of Knowledge. Fight your way through the Maze For People Who Don’t Like To Get Confused! Battle the West Bromwich Fighting Haddock! Rip up the book of The Nasty Babysitter! And eat the Self-Eating Welsh Rarebit before it eats itself!
  5. Snumpy Chumpy Goes For A Walk. Snumpy Chumpy walks around in a circle before he dies.
    Take my suggestions or else…..Snumpy Chumpy will die nastily! From the banana second from the left in the third group of bananas on Everfrost Peak on Diddy Kong Racing (only on the copy that someone owns in a red-brick house in Middlesex, when they are playing as Drumstick on Adventure Two)

Rare Says: It was, of course, Snumpy Chumpy Goes For A Walk that got your letter printed. As a rule we don’t accept game design ideas from outside the company, but with Snumpy Chumpy we feel we’ve got a potential system-seller on our hands. Such disarming simplicity! Such a revolutionary control setup! Such incalculable replay value! And best of all, it’ll only take about half an hour to make.

Dear Scribes,
Recently, I got the game Banjo-Kazooie. I enjoyed playing it and when I made it to Click Clock Woods, I hatched the baby eagle. Well, I thought nothing about it, but I did find the baby eagle a bit cute (being a bird lover) and fed it worms. When winter came, I assumed that when I went the nest (since everything else in the world was dead…. sniff you killed my pretty flower!) that the eagle would be gone and there would just be a jiggy. To my surprise, however, a beautiful adult eagle was in the nest. I loved the design of it. I was amazed at what a lovely job the programmers did for it. The eagle gave me the jiggy and flew off. I felt a sense of accomplishment. But, however, everytime I return to Click Clock Woods, the nest is empty. The beautiful eagle is gone. Click Clock Woods felt so empty after that. Of course, I got to see the eagle again once I beat the gameshow (and a dolphin…. did I mention I am also a dolphin freak?… whom I quickly freed when I discovered it under the ship in Rusty Bucket Bay….. by the way, what ever happened to that dolphin? The Bay is surrounded with no way to get out. Where could it have possibly gone to?).
Well, I decided why not put a picture of that eagle on my webpage, so I went off searching for screenshots. Unfortunately, I found none. All I have been able to find is a screenshot of the baby eagle. You wouldn’t happen to have a picture of that eagle hidden away somewhere, would you?
humpback2@yahoo.com

Here you go. I just happened to have it on hand. It’s not very big, and it’s the adult version of Eyrie rather than the squawking sprog, but it’s better than a kick up the arse, eh?

December 1st 1998:

Dear Scribes,
Is there actually a port near Twycross or did you just write “Twycross-England” on the side of the ship in Rusty Bucket Bay for the hell of it?
Or are Banjo and Kazooie mysteriously teleported to a small polluted, claustrophobic port in England every time they jump through the world door?
David Sheehan

Twycross is about as far from any port in the country as you can get, which makes the irony even more clever and amusing, probably. Still, if we’re going to get picky, the ship was basically made in Twycross – in some inanely metaphysical sort of way.

Dear Scribes,
Judging by some of the comments on your letters page, a few people seem to think that a game has to be realistic to be good. Was Banjo-Kazooie ever realistic? How many people outside of a mental institution can seriously claim to have seen a honey bear running around with a backpack containg a breegull and rescuing Jinjos (adorable things that they are, I am quite sure that they do not exist) – none, I should hope. But yet this did not prevent Banjo and his feathered friend gaining unanimous (and deserved) praise and acclaim from everyone fortunate enough to have ever even seen the beautiful game (not football). And what about other games such as Diddy Kong Racing, Mario Kart 64, Super Mario 64, Lylatwars, Forsaken? Okay, realistic games are often good, but the best games are not always realistic. I rest my case.
Frances Cork

Realism’s an almost impossible thing to pin down. The reason people have been picking on GoldenEye’s level of realism in particular is because that’s a game set in the real world in modern times, so naturally people are going to get a feel for the situation and decide whether or not certain aspects are realistic. With games like Banjo and DKR, of course, they’re not intended to be realistic in that sense – and as you say, who can claim to know how a world peopled by fat witches and pirate hippos with gastric problems would work?
Like most things at the end of the day, the ongoing ‘realism’ scuffle is just a matter of everyone who comes along automatically assuming they know better than the last person.

Dear Scribes,
What on God’s green Earth is that little thing that sits beside Rubee? It looks like a legless armadillo. Also, will it be starring in its own game, or making any cameo appearances? And why doesn’t it show up in the Rubee picture on the Scribes page? Why, your non-inclusion of that thing has made me start my own New Legless Armadillo Order page. It’s too late to stop me now!
Ben W.

Sorry. That’d be Toots. I don’t know why he/she/it’s been cut out of that picture up there – probably something to do with his/her/its limited contract. I asked one of the B-K artists to bully a brief introduction out of him/her/it:
“Hello. I am not any species. I have no gender. I don’t know how old I am. I didn’t get to move around, and I only had one little sound effect. I mean, really, I was the most underrated and underused character in BK. For God’s sake, my agent promised it was a major role, but I didn’t have any dialogue. Maybe next time I’ll get to move around a little – could be tricky, not having any legs an’ all, but maybe someone could build me a little trolley. Love, Toots.”

Dear Scribes,
I and my friends have been puzzled as to the national origin of Banjo and Kazooie, and were wondering if you’d settle a dispute. I say that Banjo is clearly American, mostly due to his proficiency at playing the banjo, an instrument native to our country. His semi-verbal utterances of “guh-huh” closely resemble those of certain notable American cartoon characters. My friend, on the other hand, maintains that Banjo is British, solely on the basis of his tight, yellow Euro-shorts. We agree that Kazooie’s shrill voice, scrawny legs, state of toothlessness, and biting wit clearly mark her as coming from the eastern side of the Atlantic. Is this true, Rare? Does Banjo come from America and Kazooie from England, placing them in the ranks of other fine American-Anglo duos like the slow-witted but well meaning Ronald Reagan and the vicious and birdlike Margaret Thatcher?
Hellbilly
P.S. If you’re really serious about making famous, suave British characters into popular video games, consider Benny Hill 64. Imagine Benny spewing incomprehensible Cockney gibberish at 60 frames per second, while chasing up to thirty scantily clad women onscreen simultaneously. Then you could move beyond puny BAFTA awards and start racking up the Nobel Prizes.

Benny Hill’s wacky molestation adventures would indeed transfer well to a Banjo-esque 3D environment, but somehow I can’t see Rare going for the licence. No ambition, that’s us. As for Banjo and Kazooie, er, I don’t think they’re even supposed to be from this world, let alone a specific country. You’re confusing realities again, aren’t you? Either you’ve got too much time on your hands or you need to go back to the doctor for some more of those pills.

Dear Scribes,
In response to “Austin 3:16 Forever”‘s little question about why wrestlers interfere with his match, it’s probably because he selected the “Battle Royal” or “Gauntlet” option. Here’s some advice for you, Mr. Austin 3:16 Forever: ASK THE COMPANY THAT MAKES THE GAME! If you’re smart enough to send e-mail, then you must know the difference between Rareware and Acclaim! Even simpler, READ YOUR BLOODY MANUAL!
Oh, yeah, you Rare-people are tickin’ me off. I’ve sent you sooooooooo many letters, and not one is on Scribes! How much do I have to pay you? You’ve already gotten thousands of my shoddy American dollars from me buying all your merchandise! By the way, I love Banjo-Kazooie more than life itself.
I’ve asked this before: is there any way that I could get the music to Banjo-Kazooie In sheet music form? You know, all written out with little circles with lines on them?
What kind of education does a person need to become a game maker like you guys? I’m thinking of becoming a computer artist for games.
I wish you well… enough.
Amanda Schroeder

Don’t shout at us. Like that mental bloke in The Frighteners, we’re frightened of being shouted at by women. Even the really strange ones that would rather die than be without a particular game.
The Rare musicians are all neanderthals who make music with stone drums and dinosaur bones, so their compositions never exist in sheet form. Sorry.
Education doesn’t matter as much as natural talent and enthusiasm in this industry, though of course you won’t get very far if you don’t learn to focus your skills (young Jedi). Most of our programmers and artists went through the relevant university courses, but that’s not a pre-requisite if you’re naturally good enough.

December 24th 1998:

G’day Mate,
I’m writing to complain. Do you know how lucky you are to live in England?? Here down under in Australia, we get jerked around all the time. With magazines, for example. In Australia there is one N64 magazine. In England there are thousands. We get English magazines about one and a half months after they are meant to come out, so they preview a game that is already out. Anyway. Just complaining. I am a vivid lover of all your games – in fact I have all of them (except Blast Corps, that’s crap) and I think you need a congrats. Well done. Now I have a question. Are you lying about the “All Bond” cheat for Goldeneye? I reckon you are. I’m one of those poor saps that has finally completed Goldeneye, but has one space left on his cheat list. What’s doin’? I have also finished Diddy Kong, Banjo (apart from stupid old Mumbo) and all my other ten games. I feel that a bit of leeway should be given to us disadvantaged Rare lovers living in Australia. Ever since the days when I saved all my pennys and went and bought a Sega Master System II, I have been a lover for consoles. But I feel the Nintendo has let me down with a lot of sh*t games such as Clay Fighter, Ice Hockey Golf, etc. Please. You should know the capabilities of the N64. Please, make my expensive purchase a worthwile one.
Regards,
Camo_s@hotmail.com

You completely lost me about two thirds of the way through the letter. What was it you wanted us to do, exactly?
Sorry about the cack mag situation, but we haven’t really got “thousands” over here either (I make it more like four or five) – and I can’t say I’ve ever heard of Ice Hockey Golf, but it sounds brilliant. Surprising nobody thought of it sooner. As for the All Bonds code, much as I’d love to tell you some stupid lie about how to access it and then immediately resign, it’s probably easier in the long run just to shake my head wearily and reiterate: it was taken out because we didn’t really fancy getting our arses sued off.

Dear Scribes,
My two children are driving me crazy over this question: WHAT IS THE *&#X@~F) NAME OF THE STUPID PINK SQUIRREL SLEEPING WITH NABNUT IN THE WINTER PART OF CLICK CLOCK WOODS IN BK?!! I know where you live. Answer this question or I will put my kids on the next flight to ask you in person. You won’t like what you look like with gray hair, not to mention how ridiculous you will look wearing a straight jacket to your inane company Christmas party. So answer it or suffer the consequences.
Amber Ferguson

If only you’d been at our Xmas party, you’d have seen how ridiculous we all looked. But I’ll ask the team anyway…
“It’s obvious that she’s Mrs. Nabnut! Alternatively, to calm your kids down, tell ’em that she’s called Nibblenut or something else with ‘nut’ on the end.”

Dear Scribes,
I have written you Englishmen before and you changed my “Dear Scribes” to “Dear Uncle Tusk” and sent it to the barbarian’s letters page. I know I should have sent it to Tusk in the first place since it was a letter about getting help on DKR. (Yes? And? – Ed.)
I am Jason W. and the point of this letter (if you would consider it a point) is to let and Eric Rosenlund know that I am agreeing with Rare in the Tip Tup debate. In some letters about Tip Tup I’m getting the impression that some people think that he is the second fastest racer to Pipsi. I would like to clarify that acceleration is how fast you pick up speed, not how fast you go. I have to admit I used to think so too! Since Mr. Rosenlund has written you at least twice, I know he will be reading this. I am annoyed at him for obvious reasons but just to make sure everybody knows what I’m talking about is because he started the load of letters about Tip Tup being so cool. I am going to hit Tip Tup with that stupid remote control (the sharp end of course) of his, which he talked about in both of his letters!
Also, Sir Slush 2 sends in letters that could not be more annoying (except for this one of course.) For example, Mumbo Jumbo being a Kremling is even more ridiculous than being a Jinjo! I’m not supporting the Jinjo rumor one bit, but a Kremling?! I don’t think so!
Oh, and another thing. I hope this doesn’t start another crazy debate like the Tip Tup one, but you should make a game about Mumbo Jumbo where he is out to rescue Banjo and Kazooie or something. Since Mumbo has magic, there would be lots of awesome moves to learn. See, at least I have a GOOD reason to want a game about my favourite character that says eeeeeeecum booooooocum. I mean a reason other than HE RUKES!!!!!1!!1!!
And now, the moment we’ve all been waiting for. THE ENGLISH LESSON!!! Ow, sow youer sayin that wood bee a badd ideea? Me thinq it wood reely edjucait hour reeders! (And boy, do we need that!) Ow wel thenn, me gess u shood saiv that forr Mr. Pants! How about trying to get my letter printed by doing something stupid? You mean the letter is already stupid enough??!!! I didn’t use the word arse enough though! OK here goes. Arse! Arse! Arse!! Arse!! Arse!!! Arse!!! Arse!!!! Arse!!!! (Wasn’t that lovely?)
Jason W. a.k.a. The DKR Man

Mumbo Jumbo also provides an eloquent discourse on the origin of the species if you enter a secret code into the sandcastle. Go on, write to me asking if it’s true. Go on, I dare you.
In what way are you “agreeing with Rare” on the Tiptup debate? We haven’t said anything – we just think it’s funny to sit back and watch you lot slug it out over the merits of a made-up character…

Dear Scribes,
On the box for Banjo-Kazooie, Banjo is holding a PURPLE Jinjo! If I’m correct, there are five Jinjos-Yellow, Pink, Blue, Green, and Orange. No Purple. I think we have a stowaway here…
Oh, and another thing, what is this thing with Pipsy’s eyelashes? Sometimes they’re there, sometimes they aren’t. I’m just supposing that she has fake ones and will only wear them inside the game. No matter how hard she tries, she won’t be that pretty, but still… Having them is a step in the right direction.
Christie Shepherd

I put this to the B-K designer, who in turn cranked up Rare’s trusty Automated Response Selection Equipment (ARSE), which blurted the following:
“The Jinjo is purple because he fell into Grunty’s ‘All Jinjos Must Be Purple’ machine. Banjo rescued him and will scrub him clean at some point (which can’t be seen on the box art) so that he can rejoin his normally-coloured friends.” There you go. “Either that or the artist is colour blind,” it added unnecessarily.
And common speculation has it that Pipsy only uses her eyelashes to attract Tiptup, who she fancies rotten (probably).

Dear Rareware,
I’m sooooooooooooooooooo sorry. I didn’t mean to shout. I’m reeeeeeeeeally soooooooooooooooorry.
That’s too bad about the music. I really like it, that’s all.
Hey, do you guys mind Americans using your slang? I give you permission to use ours any time you want. I really like arse. And Bloody. Bloody Arse.
Good News!(?) They have me on a 24-hour IV drip of Banjo-Kazooie to get me un-addicted. I tried to go cold-turkey, but the withdrawal syptoms caused me to create horrible artwork of various game characters being tragically mutilated. You’ll be getting my medical bills in the mail. (Oops, I forgot to put on the postage).
Hmmm. This letter isn’t yet long enough…… oh, I know what I can do…….. (Sung to the tune of “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star”)
Shut-up, shut-up, Tiptup Fans.
You should be beat with soda cans.
How can you raise that turtle high?
I’d like to watch him burn and fry.
Shut-up, shut-up Tiptup goons
Why don’t you shave a baboon
(applause)
“Thank you, Thank you, oh I’m not worthy of your applause. Thank you…”
Amanda Schroeder
PS. When can I expect Banjo-Tooie to course through my veins?

I hope your mother’s not reading this, with you swearing all over the place like that. (By the way, could you fill us in on any particularly crude slang that we might be interested in?)
There’s still no solid release date for Banjo-Tooie, and there probably won’t be one until much nearer its heartily generalised target zone of 4th quarter ’99. Er, sorry.

Dear perfectly normal people at Rare,
I do so enjoy reading your site and laughing uncontrollably at the lovely hidden messages. It’s nice to see that you bag your own characters. I also do enjoy playing your high-quality manufactured games, and have an idea for one.
Do you remember a British comic strip character called ‘Mickey the Mouth’, who, to my utter surprise, talked rather loudly? I believe that he would make an amusing, if not interesting charater to play a game with. Imagine running around a resturant, going up to a person and saying PASS THE SALT THANKS MATE which is followed by violent earthquakes and other cataclysmic effects. Anyway, take it into consideration.
My absolute favourite game out of your vast library would have to be Banjo-Kazooie. Not for the fantastic gameplay, or the cameo appearance of the great and all-knowing Tiptup, but for another reason. A certain item in Wozza’s cave that Kazooie would like to stick somewhere, most likely a keyhole. That’s right, it’s your favourite item and mine, the spinning polygonal key. Please include this object into future games, as I do so enjoy spinning objects. The jiggies really fascinated me, but nothing thrilled me more than watching the spinning polygonal key completing its vast circluar motion. Once I receive Banjo-Tooie, I will not even pick up the key to unlock secrets: I will leave it in peace, for it to spin forever more.
I know it’s a bit much to ask, but in Banjo-Tooie, could you please make all enemies spin constantly? If that is too much to ask, then just a ‘Museum of Spinning Objects’ would be fine. I would enjoy so seeing more objects spin. Perhaps you could put Mickey the Mouth in the museum and cause him to spin… but I’m babbling. Enjoy your stay in the exciting land of internet connection, where people like me are just a click away.
Ben Kosmina
PS, Please look out for my soon to be released book – ‘Spinning Polygonal Keys and How They Affect Society (for the Better)’

Yes, that’s right. We always try to include as many spinning objects as possible in our games, being acutely aware of their fundamental importance in society. (Peers out from under table.) Right, I think he’s gone now.
And nobody I’ve asked remembers Mickey The Mouth. Are we all too young, or too old, or just too tightly ensnared in the grip of mainstream culture, or what? Or have you just made it up and I’ve been making a complete arse of myself by asking people about it?

Ye Great and Revered Scribes,
Exactly what feat of greatness must be performed by Banjo/Kazooie to break the curse on Mumbo Jumbo? It says somewhere (game or manual, most likely manual) that Grunty cursed him for some reason (helping jinjos or whatever) and put that skull (mask?) on his face. Also, the scales could be included if he were a jinjo. Jinjos have magical powers, and what else from that reality could he be, really? I don’t think he’s a kremling. A pink kremling with partial scales? That would have to be some curse. I think that either he or other jinjos would have acknowledged the poor shaman if he were one, however. Then again, none of the jinjos have displayed an ability to talk (I assumed the messages atop the tower was magical communication, not actual speech, like Obi-Wan saying ‘Use the force, Luke!’ only less literal). However, Mumbo can talk… perhaps the skull face gives him proper articulatory organs? Whoa, too much thought on this subject. Anyway, since answers to these questions have not seemed to be forthcoming, could you just tell us exactly what revenge we must exact on Grunty to get the good old Mumbo we never knew back? Also, I don’t have any problems with TipTup. I like TipTup, he kind of stays in the back and doesn’t try to make waves, I don’t think he’d be comfortable making his own game. However, I do think he’s in prime position to be a ‘running joke’ (not offensively, it’s a documented style of humour) cameo character. He could appear to some extent in every Rare game afterward (other than those like GE or PD, with ‘realistic’ themes). I think that is the legacy TipTup would like to leave behind. And ‘humour’ is spelled right, for any American simpletons. Not to imply that all Americans are simple, but a larger population leaves us a bigger pool of dumblings to delve into and stereotype with, eh?
Yours when the Empire allows,
TK421 The underpaid, Canadian stormtrooper

Undaunted by the fact that we’ve answered this question many times before, I turned to B-K’s designer for the latest excuse:
“Oh no! Rumbled! Mumbo’s not a Kremling, he’s actually Donkey Kong! We were hoping to use the same characters and backgrounds from B-K for Wonky Donkey Vs. Giddy Diddy In Crazy Kremling Capers 64 (probably not the final name). Damn! That means we’re going to have do some work after all.
“In addition, you must remember that Mumbo without his mask would look ‘a bit crap’ (official artist’s opinion), so he’ll probably never lose it. Maybe.”

Dear Scribes,
OK Rare, although this letter might make you think otherwise, I AM one of your biggest fans, and that’s why I have to write this letter of Criticism. After all, it’s the real fans who will tell you what you can do to make your games better right?? Anyway, I’m sending this letter on game violence to you because it doesn’t really fit into your forum thread. I have a problem with some of your games. I understand that you make your games more or less non-violent so that they are enjoyable for everyone, young and old. But, I see a slight problem with doing things that way. See, anyone who is really into games and visits the web pages and buys the magazines to stay informed will know that Banjo is a top-notch game and go out and get it despite its cute look. But let me present 2 scenarios to you. 1. Mother goes into store with intent of buying a new game for her young child. She looks at Banjo-Kazooie, thinks that would be a fun, non-violent romp of a game, and gets it. They get home and the kid loves the game, at first. See, you make your games so cute that they appeal to the very young, but so challenging that no one that little would be able to beat it!!! So, the mother seeing that her kid is just getting frustrated with the game, is an unhappy customer. Scenario 2. a 20-something guy walks into a game store to get a new game. He likes his games sure, but he never really takes the time to read the magazines to know what’s good and what’s not. he’s more of a casual gamer. So, cruising the aisle, he’s looking for a fun, challenging, yet “cool” game. He glances at Banjo, passes it up and gets Turok 2 (a good game too). Now, of course, you and me both know that Banjo is a very good game and I’m totally happy with it, but I know that a large percentage of games fall into one of those 2 categories, And especially for the N64, you’re going to see the mother-child thing going on often. In conclusion, why do you make your games so cute that they appeal to the very young but are so hard (for them) that they’ll never get very far? Or on the other hand, so cute that it alienates the older casual gamers because they think it would be too simplistic? Anyway, I wish you the best of luck for the future, and no matter how cute they are, WE know they are top-notch games.
Justin Davis
PS. I asked my friends who have a N64 what they thought of Banjo. Most thought it was a gay game, and laughed at me for getting it. I loaned it to them, and they totally changed their mind, and now many are thinking about getting it. So I know this does go on…

The international success of B-K and DKR should be proof enough that most gamers are educated enough to know what to expect from a game – it’s only impulse buyers and members of the blindly anti-cute camp who might dismiss them out of hand, and if these people are happy to miss out on hundreds of great games through ignorance or narrow-mindedness, that’s their choice, but they’re never going to get the most from the videogames market.
While we can understand your concerns, there’s little doubt that had B-K been made any easier, the number of angry older gamers left feeling cheated would have far outweighed any far younger players we would have gained from it, who probably enjoyed the game as it currently stands anyway. We don’t feel as if we let any age group down with the final version – it’s not as if the younger generation were incapable of making any progress through it. You’re probably underestimating just how accomplished the majority of them are…