Scribes – June 23rd 1999

by Lerako on Jun 23rd, 1999

Dear Scribes,
“Howdy, a new update!” I said to myself. “And it’s not more boring Perfect Dark screenshots either! Hey, a cast list for Jet Force Gemini! Now I can see what Mizar finally looks like!” So I clicked on the thing and it took me away to the magical world of the cast list. I was so excited, I braved the long loading time to finally catch a glimpse of big bad Mizar. Enter the complaint department.
“BAHHHH!!!! Mizar’s a big question mark!”
Not since the evil glove from Super Smash Brothers has there been a more disappointing villain. How do you fight a giant question mark, and how does a mark (the question variety) become a mad tyrant? In the past you’ve given us such villains as K. Rool, Eyedol, Gargos, KAOS, Gruntilda, the runaway nuclear missile thing, and other lesser known more forgettable types. But now Rare has sinken to a new low. A giant question mark is a villain for a game. I don’t particularly understand it myself, but hey, whatever works for you…
Of course it could be that you just don’t want us to know what Mizar really looks like because he’s Wizpig, but whatever the hell.
SirSlush2@aol.com

O ye of little faith. No, he’s not Wizpig, you cheeky so-and-so. We just haven’t posted any screenshots featuring Mizar yet, so keep your hooks tentered…
Did you like the update after that one? The one with more boring Perfect Dark screenshots? Just for you, Slushy, just for you.

Dear Scribes Special Forces (a.k.a Scribesweeper Elite),
I just have 3 questions about Perfect Dark, which I’m sure you are sick of hearing about and wish that a well placed Proximity Mine would end the horror, but in spite of that, here they are:

  1. Will the enemies be special and shove their hands, arms, legs, feet, heads, and other extremities through doors, windows, walls, and toilet stalls (perverts)?
  2. Will there be a basic enemy like the Russian Infantry Soldier in Goldeneye?
  3. What will be the default weapon for the main character (like the PP7) and the default weapon for the basic enemy (like the KF7 Soviet) be?
    Thank you for your patience and for using Timed Mines instead.
    Spetznazly,
    Yoster64
    PD-S: Will there be any cameos from Goldeneye in PD? (The elephant man soldier perhaps?)
    PP7-S: Can you make it Gameshark proof? It ticks me off to see 23 unearned cheats.
    RCP-S: Sorry for all the PSeses.

Ah, here comes PD’s designer. Yoo-hoo! Come and see this great mail message! (Runs away quickly.)
“1. No, or so we hope.
“2. Enemies? Oh damn, I knew there was something I’d forgotten. Looks like Jo’s going to be fighting furniture.
“3. Jo has a pistol. The furniture items have drawers and/or cushions.
“PS1. You may well spot a few people you recognise.
“PS2. Don’t use a Gameshark, then.
“PS3. So you should be, you degenerate.”

Dear Mr. Scribes (or Scribesman…),
At first, greetings from Germany to all you guys at Rare!!! After the big E3, there are now very many screenshots from all my favorite (Rare-) games. Now, I’ve only two (or more) stupid questions for you:

  1. As I read an article about the E3 and Perfect Dark, I couldn’t believe what you freaks are planning to do there. Is it right, that it’s possible to play Perfect Dark with 8 players? I mean 4 players and 4 -N64 controlled- characters at the same time???? Now after the E3, you can say that, I think…
  2. Where is TWYCROSS? I could’t find it on ANY map!
    You see, these are some important questions. (Sorry for my English, it’s not the best…) Please answer them, thank you!
    David Adametz
    PS: Greetings also to our friendly Uncle Tusk!
    PPS: The word “arse” sounds better than “ass”!

Follow that designer!
“1. Vielleicht…
“2. Draw one line between Nuneaton and Tamworth. Draw another line between the centre of Birmingham and the centre of Leicester. Twycross is somewere around there. Or you could just buy a better map.”

Dear Scribes,
After all the questions about Mr. Pants 64, and seeing Chad McCanna’s excellent 3D rendition of Mr. Pants, I feel it is time to alert the entire world that yes, Mr Pants 64 DOES EXIST, AND I HAVE PROOF!!!! I received these images from a certain Rare employee who wishes to remain unknown. So you can’t deny it any longer!! Hahahahahaha!!!!
http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Dome/6514/a.jpg
http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Dome/6514/b.jpg
http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Dome/6514/c.jpg
IG73

Rare Says: The Jet Force one is eerily convincing, though the PD one takes some working out if you’re thick like me. But at least I haven’t got as much time on my hands as some of you lot. A very good effort, Mr. 73: we’ll be escorting individual members of the Rare staff into the Interrogation Room later today for a prolonged grilling.

Hello Mr Rare web type person!
It’s Sunday here and I’m bored out of my brains, then it came to me! The NEED to know.
Are the animal friends in DK64? Can you ride them? Can you be them?
Go on, get the DK64 designer(s) to answer it, pester them for at least a yes or a no!
They’ve got to be, this is a Donkey Kong game after all Sniiiff!
Mr DPA
PS: Meet you later at the Twycross pub for tea and crumpets?
PPS: There, I managed to get through all that without saying arse.

Apparently you may well see the return of some familiar faces. I’m not saying which – that can be a lovely surprise for you. We’ve done pretty well as far as keeping a lid on the DK64 information goes, haven’t we? Oh, you’ll thank us later.
PS: I don’t think they serve either of those.
PPS: I commend you, sir. Knackers.

Dear person who reads this,
When you stick your face (or mug if you prefer such a word) into PD, how do you get past the lack of colourness in a GameBoy? Or do all the characters then wander around with black and white heads in some sort of Al Jolson travesty?
Is there a cheat on the GameBoy Color to get it spelled right? Can I staple a u onto the front or will this invalidate my warranty? Could you go and slap your friends at Nintendo for releasing it in the UK spelled wrong? Can you make sure any games you release for it boot up with GameBoy ColoUr flashing across at the beginning? Probably not eh?
Hmmm. Car Park/Parking Lot debate. I’ll try to sum it up:
“Haha parking lot? What like lots of parking eh? Ho ho.”
“No. Lot as in an area of land. Which cars park on.”
“Oh… I see… yeah good choice of words.”
“Pah! Car park? What, like a place where cars, like park?”
“Errr yeah.”
“Bugger.”
And so ends any debate. Or not.
How about using turd more often if arse is being overused. Or the word state, as used by ten year olds. Although technically the spelling in accordance with phonetics should be staaaaaaaaaate. Only with the huge amount of cynicism and disbelief that only the young can achieve.
But then again ten year olds wouldn’t believe you if you told them the world was flat. Which it is incidentally. The Discworld books are just a cunning ploy. You see, once they become a religion, everyone will start to believe the world is indeed flat which will allow the scientists to admit they made a mistake after all. Imagine their embarrassment. The world has to be flat how else would God play frisbee? How about making God 64? you get to be God. Unfortunately because of Christianity you can’t get directly involved and have to sit back and wait for your ineffable plan to finish. The graphics engine may be a bit difficult though having to be everywhere at once.
I must go now before the MI5 give me a Chinese burn for revealing the flat earth truth.
J. Edwards
It’s all true except the bits that aren’t.

PD in B&W: “We get over it by making the whole game in black and white. Look out for the Maltese Falcon multiplayer level.”
Game Boy games: Er, probably not, no. Sorry.
Car parks: Neatly argued. Well done. B+.
‘State’: You what?
God 64: I get the feeling that if I make even the most jaunty, lightweight comment on this, I’ll still find myself out in the gutter and on some crucial industry blacklist first thing tomorrow morning. Nice idea, though. (D’oh! – The Industry)

Dear Scribes,
OK guys, what’s the deal with that Donkey Kong 64 intro sequence? I saw it at E3 and it’s cool and all, but you guys overlooked one key element. The whole theme is hip-hop, right? And Donkey Kong is supposed to be scratching records on turntables along with the music, right? Well you guys forgot one thing — THE MIXER!! Don’t you guys know that you need two turntables and a mixer to scratch records? Donkey Kong looks ridiculous “scratching” records with both hands at once (an impossibility in the first place, because one hand has to be on the mixer’s crossfader while the other brings the record back and forth) with no mixer anywhere in sight. As a die-hard hip-hop fan, I had to call you guys out on this one. If you don’t put the mixer in, I just won’t buy Donkey Kong 64.
OK, I’m lying. But please, for the love of god, put a mixer in there! And maybe have DK do the crab scratch or flare scratch while you’re at it. OK, I’m reaching.
Jonathan Lindemann (Contributing Editor, Nintendojo)

You’re doing more than reaching – you’re actually making me feel sorry for you. Anyway, isn’t it the multi-talented Cranky who does all the scratching? Duh.
Nevertheless, I took it upon myself to present your outraged demands at the court of DK64’s lead artist, who obligingly muttered something about it “all being done with foot pedals”. So there you go…

Dear Scribes,
Last month I had an epiphany. Since laying a heavy shilelaghing on everyone who’ll still play with me, I’ve found myself trying to come up with some way to add freshness to Goldeneye again. Turok II had been a bitter disappointment and Goldeneye, though a splendid game, was beginning to grow a tad old. Now I had bought this 36″ TV with all sorts of great specs and was enjoying the four player split screens at a reasonable size when it struck me that (with a few cable splitters, a little masking tape and a some cardboard) it would be possible to set up my living room as a Bond room! Not just any Bond room, mind you, but a Bond room where the four TVs stood at opposite corners with cardboard covering three quarters of the screen and the players all sat in the middle of the room, playing a chaotic, lag free game of Goldeneye where no one has any idea where anyone else is! I made it happen, and it was fantastic. My buddies hold me in the highest esteem, and no longer mock me when I have epiphanies.
So my apartment is a hopping party-pad and I have the respect of my peers. I wanted to write you guys and let you know how much I appreciate this grand creation you’ve spawned … but there’s a problem. My friends and I find my set up to be both convenient and aesthetically pleasing. My living room is like a temple to symmetry and simplicity and panache. There are no pictures on the walls. There are no carpets or end tables. There are only chairs and Goldeneye. Yet for all this balance and polish, chicks just don’t seem to dig my digs. I get strange looks and snorts of derision. My own girlfriend calls my vision an abomination, and seeks its destruction! How can it be that on this issue there exists so great a rift? How can a game so splendid be scorned by what appears to be an entire half of a populace? I look forward to hearing from you.
Nathan
PS: Knackers… and when is Perfect Dark coming out? Don’t toy with me!

Rest easy, my friend. The designer shares your agony: “My own girlfriend is on record as saying of GoldenEye ‘I’m sure it’s very good’. I’m not sure if she’s actually seen it because FPS games give her motion sickness.”
On the other hand, I have it on good authority that at least one other member of the GoldenEye/PD team has a setup remarkably similar to your own… though not for GoldenEye, obviously. Well, I hope not.
Perfect Dark is currently due out sometime in December. We’re not toying with you, sir. Wouldn’t dream of it.

Scribes,
I have adopted your policy of releasing games when they are finished and applied it to school work. Today when my teacher asked for my essay I said “You’ll get it when it’s done, whore.” I think it probably would have worked too, but the ‘whore’ remark was a little too much.
Mike

Er, yes. Perhaps not a tactic suited to all situations, then. Mind, when we’re trying to justify a few extra months of development to Nintendo, we don’t usually address them as “whore” either.

Dear Scribes,
Why is it that you have that pointless lookout on Timber’s Island? I theroyise (I admiting that I made this up, not one of my dimwitted friends) that the Unused T-Rex in Diddy-Kong Racing will be what Mumbo-Jumbo will turn Banjo and Kazooie into in Banjo-Tooie. There forth, you will have to link to the DKR cartrage, in order to get the T-Rex spell. And the Banjo Kazooie cartrage for the Eggs and the Key. That theory made be thinking “Eggs and Key in DKR?’ then I realized what the Ice Key is for, to open the secret course in Future Fun Land, where after winning the battle, you go on to win the spell for Mumbo-Jumbo. The Eggs, well I don’t know about them. Maybe it enables Kazooie as a character in DKR. So what has the look ut to do with it? Well that s the flaw in my theory. But the rest stands to reason.
If you don’t reply to this, I spead it on the Internet a rummor, and lots of people will be asking this same question. At least here you can either conferm a rumor, or denie it before it becomes curculated. In all strangeness,
HailKingJeff@yahoo.com

While I wholeheartedly applaud your email address, I feel it’s only fair to let the Scribes readership judge the strength of your theories by weighing the ideas contained within against the ‘imaginative’ spelling used to express them. ‘Cartrage’ and ‘curculated’ in particular. They’re great. Inventive use of the term ‘stands to reason’, too…

G’Day mate!
I have a few more questions before I go and never speak the word Rareware again. So here goes.

  1. If I took a snapshot of my own “arse” will I get the chips? I am an eathiophian or whatever it’s called, you know what I mean, one of those skinny knackers.
  2. Can you print my URL for my website I make by MYSELF! and it gets updated more times Leigh than you update this site! Rareware.com needs an update every day!
    Nintendo 64 Techno Central
    ~http://www.accessnt.com.au/~n64heaven/
  3. Sean Williamson is an arse!
  4. Kat, will you mary me? We could be like Diddy and Dixie? and have… (snip)
  5. Have you seen the official specs for the N200X console at Nintendo’s corp. section on their site?
  6. Can I have a plane ticket to come visit you guys? And return the “Perfect Dark” beta game directly to you’se.
    Later,
    David A Giles
    P.S. PD is quite cool, but when she is about to swim in level 4, she reveals a bit too much! 🙂 Not that it’s bad or anythink, just wish I saw more.
  1. Oh dear. Not a good start.
  2. Alright, alright, but just this once…
  3. He won’t rise to the bait, you know. We’ve tried.
  4. Well, Kat? Will you ‘mary’ him? I don’t know what that means in Australia, but it sounds like monkeys are involved.
  5. We might have. Who’s asking?
  6. Yes. You really have got that game, because we really do send the latest development version out to anyone who asks. I just want to make that perfectly clear to the cynics among you. I also want to make it clear that anyone who believes this will be taken outside and kicked insensible.

Dear Mistaken One,
In the most recent Scribes, you referred to me as “power made flesh.” I am not this carbon-based flesh that you humans are made of! If you played Street Fighter Alpha 2 Gold’s “Akuma Mode,” you would know that I am actually power made FLEASH, which is a completely different thing. The difference between fleash and flesh is much more significant than the difference between a car park and a parking lot. I am highly insulted, but I promise not to destroy you — as long as you mention the word “arse” in your reply.
Akuma99999@aol.com
P.S. “Fell how weak you truly are!”

How could I fail to fell it in the presence of such mighty fleash? However, I draw the line at being forced into use of the ‘a’ word. I’ll throw it around as and when I choose, pal. Come and have a go if you think you’re hard enough.

What the dilly, yo?
Might I be so bold as to suggest two lines of code for Perfect Dark? Please, for the love of Arse and all things holy (pun intended) add this:
if (joanna = dead)
enemies = stopshooting;
AND
if (pause button = activated)
enemydamage = 0;
I can’t tell you how annoying it is to pause Goldeneye mid-game, only to be slammed in the back of the head several times and docked a couple of HPs during the time it takes for Bond to get his watch up. Also, it’s VERY irritating so see the enemy soldiers pumping your cold, lifeless corpse full of lead as you fall to the ground.
Anyhoo, at the risk of repeating what everyone else has been saying, Goldeneye whomps bottom… except for the fact that I’ve just finished playing for an hour straight (that’s one FULL hour, from 12:15 to 1:15) trying to get that damn Invincibility code… without any results. And I plan to continue playing for hours on end until I get that code (read: HELP!).
Your Commonwealth Bud, eh?
Nick

Those sadistic guards, eh? Tsk. And that watch, eh? Tsk. Let’s see the designer talk his way out of those. Well, sir?
The posthumous overkill: “Of course it’s irritating. It’s to remind you that you’ve just been crap.” Oh. And the whole watch thing: “Well, if you’re naive enough to look at your watch in the middle of a firefight…”
Can’t say fairer than that.

Dear Scribes,
Thank you for temporarily restoring my faith in whatever segment of humanity you represent. While on a frequent visit to the JFG page, I glimpsed the meaningless message box on the bottom of my browser, and for Critical Mash, it said ‘What have those wan’ and ran out of space. I hazarded a guess as to how it ended and later discovered that while I was right about ‘been saying?’, ‘kers’ does not appear. So it seems that you are not always as crude as the flint tools I used to fashion my ancient computer, nor as offensive as the rabid ferret that has overtaken my pantry.
Brian Polis

Totally unintentional, I assure you. But still quite funny all the same. And I’ll have you know I’m the very soul of chivalry – it’s just you lot that ramble on like a bunch of indiscriminate foul-mouthed drunkards. Bless you.

Dear Scribes,
In BK, in Clanker’s Cavern Clanker seems to be made of metal. Therefore he IS not a real humane whale and is either a robot or parts of whales put together like a frankenfish. I would most believe he is a robot though. If he is a robot, then how come he is asking for air? A robot does not have real lungs and is not made or flesh and bones. Either he’s not a robot or verrrrry weird one.
Kazooie007
P.S.- Capt. Blubber really doesn’t look like a hippo. He looks more like an elephant and a rhino put together and then add a big mouth.

You have worked out that none of it’s actually real, haven’t you? Please say yes. Look, Clanker’s a magic robot. He belongs to a witch. He works in magic secret witchy ways. And Captain Blubber is a special one-of-a-kind dancing super-hippo that we discovered. Don’t blame us for the quirks of nature.

Scribes,
It would be nice if somebody would point out that being an American doesn’t mean you’re stupid. Or maybe you only post the stupid Americans’ letters because you like pushing the idea that all Americans have sub par mental skills. So far all the letters I’ve seen regarding Americans and their smarts have been from smart Brits who think Americans are dumb, or dumb Americans who think Americans are smart. I’m not trying to float my own boat here and claim that I’m some genius in a land of idiots. All the spelling and grammatical mistakes that I know are present but am too lazy to fix (mainly because I’m sure this letter won’t go up anyway, so what’s the point?) will quickly put an end to that idea. I’m just saying I’m not stupid, and I’m American, and there are others like me.
Oh, yeah… I started using the word “arse” years ago, long before I heard any British person say it. And a lot of my American friends use it. Although it is a bit rare to find an American using that word, it isn’t unheard of. Knackers, on the other hand is a new one to me.
Thanks for your time,
Krankor

So the rest of the world stole the word ‘arse’ from you, did it? What a bunch of scoundrels we are.
Funnily enough with regard to matters of political correctness and job security, we don’t use this page for the exclusive defamation of Americans or people of any other nationality – and if anyone sends in a genuinely offensive message, they don’t get posted, simple as that. Basically, if you can’t take a joke, this isn’t the page for you. I don’t censor thousands of pro-American letters every day, either: what you see is what I get. Still, anyone who comes across as a few sandwiches short of a picnic, irrespective of age, gender or country of origin, should be ready for a healthy spot of inter-reader ridicule… it’s only fair, eh?

Hi Scribes.
I couldn’t help but notice that, like me and various colleagues, you seem to use an increasing number of ‘Digitiserisms’. Not only are you receiving letters from the Cussing Snake (hi sonny!), but you’ve also coined ‘WaRze RuLeZ’ et al. This is by no means a bad thing. As Digi are relatively clever people, they view Rare as near faultless… I am still waiting for you guys to cock up. Please disappoint me.
Oooh, I really need a crap. Well, I’ll be off to the ‘rest-room’ to ‘have a rest’. Do you see?
Big Mad Mr T
P.S. What sort of music do you lot listen to? If you were responsible for putting S Club 7 at number one… ooooh I’d be forced to get violent. KEEP AWAY FROM MY BINS DAMNIT.

Digi is a Good Thing. And I can vouch that “wAReZ ROoL!!1!” is, tragically, all too accurate. S Club 7 should join everyone else who’s reached No. 1 in the UK during the last five years in the National Credibility Firing Line. And I trust you arose feeling spiritually replenished from your ‘rest’.

Greeting O light-hearted Pixies of Unfrivolous Scriby Love!
How much time do I have on my hands? Well, if I took the time to count I would be wasting my precious time that I use so devotingly writing to Scribes.
Or I could use that time guessing upcoming Rare Game names. Naw, that’d take WAY too long, so instead I’ll create my own theory on guessing game names. I think I’ll call it the “Game Name Theorem.”
Here goes: Take every word in the dictionary and write it down. Then write again every word in two-word combinations. Repeat for Three- and Four-, Five-, etc. Now create every imaginary word. And don’t forget to add any number of keyboard mashings. Stocwaldd. What a game that’ll be. That theorem will take up a long time to prove. And now that I’ve said it, someone will do it. Shame on me.
Amanda Marie Schroeder, a.k.a Kablooie, evil twin of Kazooie

They will too, you know. Don’t joke about it. And see the italics? That means Stocwaldd is either not being developed by Rare, or it’s only a working title. Putting your theorem into action for myself, I also discovered that we could be working on Heresy Instance Rim and Proximity Arsebolts. Frankly, it’s uncanny.

Dearest Scribe type person,
I just wanted to congratulate Rare on having the sensibility to work on a game ‘until it’s ready’, rather than doing a half-arsed job to get the game out on time.
To placate the masses, Rare could form a subdivision called Rare Express, where games progress from conception to publication in ten minutes. The end result would be soggy, tasteless, and cold in the middle, but at least the mindless throng would have something to play with. I believe this is how American sitcoms operate.
Alternatively, you could always put out a challenge for any of your knockers [see, I used a naughty word] to write a game that ranks anywhere near the quality of B-K or Goldeneye. If they succeed, buy the source code; if they fail, taunt them until they cry.
Adam D

Why thank you, kind sir. Always nice to have some sturdy support on hand to counter the weight of the knockers.
Much as I’d like to react to your comment on American sitcoms, I couldn’t possibly do so for fear of immediately being branded heartless anti-American scum. Ah yes, there’s nothing like a good dose of overzealous voluntary censorship to get the belly laughs rolling.

Dear Scribes,
So now Berri is simply Conker’s “best mate.” But didn’t I read somewhere that the point of the game was to retrieve stolen housewarming presents? You should be warned that there are significant portions of the U.S. where such moral ambiguity is frowned upon. Many residents of our more agrarian regions will react to any media offering about anthropomorphic woodland creatures in an interspecies, out-of-wedlock, cohabitating relationship with concern, and when I say concern I mean the pitchfork-waving, effigy-burning, lynch-mobbing variety. And casting Berri as Conker’s “best mate” is hardly an improvement, since it implies the existence of other mates. A polygamy-oriented game is a sure-fire loser, except in certain areas of Utah.
To insulate yourself from this backlash, I suggest you implement the following changes: first of all, have Conker and Berri be properly married, with a clear indication that they practiced total abstinence while single. And have them be the same species – Alabama legalized interracial marriage just last month, but that don’t mean they gotta like it, dagnabbit. In fact, you’d better make them human beings, since talking animals might be interpreted as the spawn of Satan. Remember – you’re dealing with the same people who declared Pumsy the Dragon to be a Hindu hypnotist and accused Tinky-Winky of being gay. You can’t be too careful.
The Right Rev. Jethro “Swamp Bunny” Scuggs

They’re Conker’s birthday presents these days, as I recall. The whole housewarming thang was a long time ago. And anyway, you can’t drag any of our harmless mascots into your personal mire of iniquity merely by misinterpreting the term ‘best mate’ for comic effect. They’re just chums really. No, hang on – they’re, er, adventuring partners. No. No. This is getting worse.

Dear Scribes, Uncle Tusk, Mr Loveday, B, ANYONE who can help me…
My friends and I spent nearly two years now trying to decipher the most hidden and devious secret in GoldenEye, but I’m finally admitting defeat. On the ‘Twycross Board of Game Classification’ screen, it’s clear that the signature under ‘President’ reads ‘James Bond’, but what does the signature under ‘Vice-President’ say?
Some notable suggestions we’ve come up with are; Desmond Llewllyn, Matt Scully, Martin O’Reilly and Molten Jelly. (I know, I know…)
So please, sheathe your sarcastic corporate wit long enough to tell me what the signature says – then I’ll leave you in peace and you can get back to doing whatever it was you were doing.
Oh, and by the way, didn’t the twenty-fourth cheat slot used to contain the ‘All Bonds (Multi)’ cheat? Actually, I’m glad it’s not there now, because the ‘Predator Mode’ in multiplayer is much more fun…
Regards,
Chris Allcock
P.S – Even if this letter doesn’t make it into Scribes, Tusk or (God forbid) Snippets, please respond! If you do, I promise I’ll buy Jet Force Gemini – even if it means living with the disturbingly large eyes of Juno and Vela…

Official response from the Man Who Can:
“The signature is the stylised scrawl of one ‘Martin Hollis’, who was the project leader on GoldenEye, and who was therefore entitled to mess about with the front page. He was being unusually neat on that occasion, since a normal signature reads ‘Maty July’…”
I’ve had to censor his response to the matter of the 24th cheat for reasons of good taste:
“There is no [bleep] 24th cheat, there never was any [bleep] 24th cheat, and if I hear any more about the [bleep] 24th cheat, I’ll put my boot in the head of the person who mentions the [bleep] 24th cheat to me after this humanitarian warning.”

Dearest Scribes,
Things were going well. I’d had a couple of letters printed in Scribes. The rash was receding and the swelling was going down. The sight of my second letter reminded me of my first, and I was just thinking that I should fire off another, informing y’all that I’ve had no correspondence from Mr TND, abusive or otherwise, when I read your response and hurried down to Snippets with a warm feeling in my breast. Now I just feel rather ill.
-“Kat, what can I do to show you I’m sorry. I feel like I am running in circles for you. Tell me. Please. I’ll do almost anything. Please? Please?!” FLEABttn@aol.com –
Yeek. No, It’s me who’s sorry. Just don’t write anymore, huh? And don’t keep running in circles, or you’ll fall over. You don’t want to damage that brain of yours. Earth needs a cancer cure.
Well now, that’s enough for me this month.
Oh, except did you know that Mr Pants has been used as a character in at least one DC comic? He lives next door to John Constantine in Hellblazer. He has no hat or moustache, but is called Mr Pants and sports a truly herculean pair of y-fronts. Copyright issues?
As to untapped English swearwords, what about pillock, gobsh*te, prannet, toe-rag and shower of (No, maybe not. – Ed)
Love,
Kat

And so the ongoing FLEAB/Kat romance, er, goes on. Tune in next time for… some more. Possibly.
Pillock, prannet and toerag aren’t swearing, surely? Besides, nobody uses them any more.
Didn’t know about that particular incarnation of the omnipresent Mr. Pants, no. But I do seem to remember yet another one turning up as the prospective buyer of Edmund’s house in Blackadder II, so perhaps I should keep a rein on those wild plagiarism claims for the moment, eh?

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