Top 5 Rare Femme Fatales (That Would Have Us Switching Sides)
Not every masochistic and morally corrupt antagonist needs to be an anthropomorphic crocodile, wizard swine or overgrown insect. Sometimes the greatest Rare villains are leather-clad temptresses, using their seductive prowess to bend the weak-willed to their knees. Falling into this latter category with nothing but hot shame and unreasonable gender stereotypes to drive us forward, we’ve compiled a solid list of Rare‘s most voluptuous vixens that would have us stopping and swopping in a heartbeat – giving up the good fight and joining the dark side. These are the Top 5 Rare Femme Fatales (That Would Have Us Switching Sides)
#5. THE EVIL DARK QUEEN – SUPER BATTLETOADS ARCADE (ARCADE)
In a Universe overrun by vile vermin and beastly boars, it’s quite shocking to see the Evil Dark Queen leading the helm in galactic domination – especially when her looks are from a different planet than her disheveled cohorts. While she may have stolen our hearts with her tight leather regal wear and long flowing hair, we know that she would sooner tear it out and eat it if her malicious ways ring true. Still, you can hardly blame us for wanting to ditch the ‘Toads and their squawking mentor, Professor T. Bird, for a chance to warm up to this Queen‘s irreparable cold shoulder. Conquer the cosmos, wreak havok across the galaxy, we’ll turn a blind eye so long as you humor us with a date or two. Also, don’t devour our still-beating hearts – that’s important too!
#4. ULTRATECH’S BLACK (B.) ORCHID – KILLER INSTINCT (ARCADE)
Such a feeling! Killer Instinct‘s own B. Orchid is proof that every rose has its thorns, with her lethal moves making her looks to die for. While we can’t seem to keep our eyes off her during her Ultratech domination, this ultimately leads to our own downfall with her No Mercy closer. Regardless of which ruthless and undeterred Killer Instinct combatant enters the fight, they’ll eventually be ensnared by her flashy finisher wherein Orchid bears her assets away from the prying eyes of the player for a private showing. Looks can kill in this tournament, and only after a piqued peek her adversaries are so shocked that they fall to the ground, dead. Perhaps in this case we’d switch sides of the arena for the better view, but we’d go toe to toe with Orchid and face certain death if it meant watching it all flash before our eyes…
#3. XENIA SERGEYEVNA ONATOPP – GOLDENEYE 007 (N64)
Similar in nature to a Black Widow Spider, Xenia Onatopp followed mating with murder, using her constricting thighs to turn pain into pleasure. Even James Bond – a hardened advocate for practicing abstinence – couldn’t help but be drawn in by the sultry soviet during the events of GoldenEye, which leaves little hope for the rest of us. While we were ultimately forced to have our showdown with Onatopp in the Jungles of Cuba, her resistance to our arsenal was enough to draw our sights away from bullet magnet Bond Girl, Natalya Simonova, whom we previously escorted through the likes of the Bunker and Archives; our fleeting attachment growing ever distant each time she fell to the floor. With the fiery redhead testing our patience, it seemed only right for Bond to stay onatopp of things with one last squeeze.
#2. CAVEWOMAN JUGGA UGA BUGA – CONKER’S BAD FUR DAY (N64)
Seen briefly during the intoxicated events of Conker’s Bad Fur Day, scantily clad cavewoman Jugga can be found in the Uga Buga arena opposite oafish Bugga The Knut. While her comments spur Bugga into entering the arena to protect his honor, she is ultimately forgiven when Conker falls for her and becomes a hopeless romantic. Seeming to forget his ongoing relationship with Berri, or his quest to return home to bed, Conker promises to give up drinking just to make the doomed relationship work. Jugga manages to see through his facade, and no manner of begging or pleading from the red squirrel is enough to persuade her otherwise. Don’t take it so bad, Conker, if we had the ability to return to the prehistoric age just to hit on well-endowed cave babes, we would without question. Now then, where did I leave that flux capacitor?…
#1. GRUNTILDA WINKYBUNION – BANJO-KAZOOIE (N64)
Don’t worry, we haven’t completely lost our minds – not yet, anyways – we’re focusing on the voluptuous version of Gruntilda that manages to siphon Tooty of her beauty during the dreaded Game Over ‘what-if’ sequence found in Banjo-Kazooie. After Gruntilda manages to step out from her Beauty Machine, double-crossing shaman Mumbo-Jumbo is seen offering the wicked witch flowers and an invitation back to his hut! If it wasn’t bad enough that he was turning his back on Banjo and Kazooie, his twisted ‘mask of horror’ that he’s forced to wear was a manic spell cast by Gruntilda in the first place. With Mumbo switching sides, there’s very little incentive for us not to be drawn in by Grunty‘s magic, even if it means having a word with the deformed bear cub, Tooty. We’ll take it in stride as we fawn over the witch with Mumbo.
Categories: Top 5 Lists
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