Top 5 Disturbing Implications in Retro Rare Commercials
Advertisements for video games are possibly the greatest thing humanity has ever created – the good ones that show off bits of game play are par for the course, but on the other side of the spectrum are the commercials that play out like compressed fever dreams. Just 30 seconds of awe-inspiring surrealism, like Donkey Kong screaming at a man so loud that he crumbles to dust. Literally. Rare‘s retro commercials are like high-octane nostalgia, and while their concepts may be a bit more subdued, there are a few that leave the viewer with a lingering feeling of unrest, sending chills as they grapple with reality and fantasy. This is that. These are the Top 5 Disturbing Implications in Retro Rare Commercials.
#5. IT’S THE FLIGHT OF YOUR LIFE! – CAPTAIN SKYHAWK (NINTENDO ENTERTAINMENT SYSTEM)
Soaring through trenches and facing off against intergalactic hostiles, Captain Skyhawk deserves a commercial as exhilarating as the game itself, and that’s what it got. Watch as a young boy takes off with his seat and pilots it above suburbia! If this ad were shot today, it would show off a dramatic landing: hair ruffled and eyes wide, shocked but safe. “What a wild ride”, he’d breathe to camera. But these were different times, and instead we cut to a shot of the solar system, where the chair just picks up speed and straight-up launches into the aether! The chair either doubles back and turns into the logo or keeps soaring on, that bit isn’t made especially clear. What is evident is that when shot from the back, you don’t see the space-faring pilot gasping for oxygen. It’s the flight of your life! One-way trip there, Cap’n.
#4. JUST SO WE’RE CLEAR KIDS; I’M NOT MAGICAL – VIVA PIÑATA (XBOX 360)
Coming from a game where you can bludgeon your residents open for their tasty, candy innards, this commercial for Viva Piñata is relatively tame. Things take a serious step towards the uncanny when Horstachio begins speaking to the children, his eyes unblinking, his mouth twisted into a permanent smile. “I’m a magical Piñata, and if you get me down from here, I’ll grant you all your wishes.”, he speaks lowly, trying to win favor with the children. “All you have to do is burn things, burn all the things.” he doesn’t say, but might as well. Horstachio is taken down from the rope, but just before things can go full-tilt Lord of the Flies he makes a cunning escape, leaving behind a band of children to explain to others that “The Piñata made them do it”, which is definitely what a sane person would say. Definitely.
#3. FOOLS! IF YOU FAIL, YOU’LL END UP LIKE ME! – CABAL (NINTENDO ENTERTAINMENT SYSTEM)
Based on the arcade classic of the same name, Rare brought the gripping action, explosive graphics and stellar sound of Cabal into your home for the Nintendo Entertainent System. You’ll face unspeakable horrors on the battlefield, but nothing quite as intense as the winged skull engulfed in flames that tries to sell you the game in the commercial. “Think you can wipe out the worlds toughest terrorists?” Before you can answer the skull is back on screen, “FOOLS!”, it shouts, belching out a burst of flame. After listing the oppositions armory it concludes with, “But if you fail you’ll end up like ME!”. The skull then explodes sending cranium debris soaring like shrapnel, which is seriously hardcore. Make sure you beat Cabal though, or you too will turn into an exploding flying fiery skull. At least the commercial says so anyways.
#2. I WANT A REMATCH! – WWF WRESTLEMANIA (NINTENDO ENTERTAINMENT SYSTEM)
The clincher is literally a second long at the end of this otherwise tame commercial – we cut back to the bedroom where Macho Man Randy Savage has inexplicably appeared, bellowing, “OH YEAH! I want a rematch!” to a clearly terrified teenager. Look at the fear in his eyes, it’s the exact same look a deer gives seconds before it rolls off the hood of a car. This commercial has officially turned into the story of how a boy was thrown around his bedroom by Macho Man Randy Savage. That kid doesn’t stand a chance; despite all of his hours watching wrestling, he can’t perform any of the moves – he can only identify them when he’s on the receiving end. “A leg drop!” he’d call out, hitting the floor. “An elbow smash!” sputtered as he lands squarely on his headboard. “A body-slam!” shouted as he flips out of his window…
#1. BUT YOU’VE BEEN PLAYING, FOR SIXTY-TWO YEARS – BANJO-KAZOOIE (NINTENDO 64)
At the time of airing, this commercial featuring two aging gamers playing through Banjo-Kazooie sixty two years after release would have been humorous as an exaggerated concept, but since the original adventure from Rare is nearing it’s twentieth birthday and still being played, this is looking closer to reality than ever. If it wasn’t enough to have this ad acting like a mirror, it also brings with it the chilling fact that these gamers are completely cut off from the outside world, they’ve spent their lives playing through Banjo-Kazooie – which isn’t a bad thing, but they’re still on Mumbo’s Mountain after all that time! Worse still, the best friend has been watching his inept buddy tour the first level for half a century, his only hope that he’ll be able to reef the controller loose when player one shifts from his moral coil.
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