Top 5 Giant Enemy Rare Crabs (E3 2014 Special)
Hot off the heels of E3, we’ve somehow managed to leave the expo with nary a mention of glaring technical faux pas and demos gone awry, and instead have had to make due with three extremely competent and satisfying conferences from Nintendo, Sony and Microsoft. But where’s the substance? Where’s the real-time weapon change? Where are the weak spots? Perhaps the most pressing of all, where are the Giant Enemy Crabs? We’ve taken this issue to heart, and against our better judgment have scoured Rare‘s archives for the largest antagonistic crustaceans we can get our hands on.
Watch the pincers! These are the Top 5 Giant Enemy Rare Crabs!
#5. THE GIANT CRABS OF MAKO ISLAND – CONKER’S POCKET TALES (GAMEBOY COLOR)
After swimming through a thick trench of coral, braving a large stretch of unforgiving sea, and grappling with his own existential fear of anthropomorphic acorns, Conker will find himself on the sandy shores of Mako Island, where his greatest challenge awaits! Nearly a dozen red crabs the size of cattle call the Island home, spending much of their time skittering along a linear path as crustaceans are wont to do, fixing their hate-filled eyes on the hapless squirrel cast-away. If Conker manages to interrupt their endless pacing on the grounds of being too thick, a set of pincers can cut him down to size in seconds flat – though two conkers fired in the interim will be enough to stop them in their tracks. In essence, you’ll do some massive damage with real-time slingshot weapon change in order to keep everything nice and memetic.
#4. ELEMENTAL WATER CRABS OF SUMMIT SPRING – KAMEO: ELEMENTS OF POWER (XBOX 360)
Ascending to Summit Spring and taking on an elaborate sequential puzzle, Kameo will depend on the elemental prowess of Major Ruin as well as her basic counting skills as she charges into each totem to unlock Deep Blue‘s Shadow Well. If the totems are activated in the wrong order, a torrent of giant Water Crabs will burst forth from the center of the spring, having increased their numbers since Lobster Hollow. Nearly dwarfing Kameo, these elemental arthropods will overwhelm any threat with their hivemind swarm, their mammoth pincers at the ready to tear apart anything that stands in their way. Astute observers will also notice that these crustaceans are mostly water, and as such can be obliterated if Kameo so much as brushes up against one.
You know, they just don’t sound quite as imposing as they did before…
#3. THE MONSTROUS CRUSTACEAN FROM 20,000 FATHOMS – COBRA TRIANGLE (NES)
Appearing alongside a Sea Serpent, Great White Shark and a Giant Squid, this crabby offering from Rare ostensibly replaces Lovecraftian horror Cthulhu for not being terrifying enough. Peering out from beneath the waters with its massive claws ever-ready to strike, the monster will surface when its spots its prey, swimming leagues around its domain snapping mercilessly. With each of its reeling pincers matching the size of your Cobra Class Speed Boat, this mammoth monstrosity is further fortified with a rock hard shell and a cunning nerve you’ll need to match to survive the waters. Many have hoped to discover its weak spot, and even fewer have managed to attack it for massive damage, but in the end only the masters of their craft have managed to see the rest of Cobra Triangle after squaring off against this agitated arthropod.
#2. MAXIMUM CARNAGE CUSTACEAN – VIVA PIÑATA: TROUBLE IN PARADISE (XBOX 360)
The Custacean species from Viva Piñata: Trouble in Paradise are hardly large enough to be considered giant, and their gentile demeanor means they’ll never be considered an enemy – they’re just happy to spend their time enjoying your garden! Clearly something had to give, and it was through Rare‘s vision that the Custaceans potential as a hulking leviathan was finally realized at the 2008 Tokyo Game Show. Casting its laser vision toward the bustling metropolis below, an overgrown Custacean behemoth slyly named “Maximum Carnage” earned its own Vision Card alongside “Geckiesaurus Rex” and “Gore Rilla”, a Gecki and Sarsgorilla Piñata respectively. While its in-game counterpart was considerably downsized, the wildcard traits remain, striking fear into anyone already terrified of Piñata’s, coincidently enough.
#1. NIPPER THE GIANT ENEMY HERMIT-CRAB- BANJO-KAZOOIE (N64)
Found on the shores of Treasure Trove Cove, Nipper the Hermit-Crab finds himself worse off at the hands of Banjo and Kazooie after being spurred into a battle of wits with the loud-mouthed breegull. In predictable fashion, steeling themselves past Nipper‘s pincers and springing onto his eyes reveals the crustaceans weak spot, drilling home a defeat in just three hits for suggestively massive damage. An achievement titled “Knock out Nipper” could be garnered from the Xbox Live Arcade rendition of Banjo-Kazooie, whereas the more fitting “Massive Damage” achievement had already been utilized in prior Banjo-Kazooie: Nuts & Bolts. Serving as an inspiration to Giant Enemy Crabs everywhere, Nipper was already a legend a decade before any so-called E3 offering. Shine on, you crazy crustacean, shine on.
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