Top 5 Ludicrously Useless Rare Achievements
While Rare has never been known for their empathizing leeway, as any one who has raced Banjo-Tooie‘s mustard colored Canary might tell you, one might think that compiling a list of extremely difficult achievements would set the score allowing us to hate off each task by name. However, the cheek from Twycross is even more pertinent than daunting difficulty it would seem, as Rare is perhaps more well known for including a fair share of cringingly impudent ‘cheevos in their titles as well.
Considered achievements in name only and worth even less, you’ll find Rare‘s nerve getting on yours with the digital equivalent of a slow clap. These are the Top 5 Ludicrously Useless Rare Achievements.
#5. ACT YOUR AGE, JOANNA – PERFECT DARK XBLA (XBOX 360)
After Daniel Carrington is kidnapped by the insidious dataDyne corporate and held hostage in his own Villa, the Institute sends their greatest weapon, secret agent Joanna Dark, to ‘negotiate’ the situation. Recapturing the Villa, Ms. Dark uses her cunning and institute training to neutralize dataDyne forces, activate the underground wind generator and most importantly – destroy every bottle of Carringtons priceless wine hidden in the basement. If you’ve managed to clear all of the shelves, a disgruntled Daniel Carrington will tell the agent to act her age, which triggers the achievement. Sure, saving the world may get you approval around the office, but real achievement hunters have vendettas against vermouth.
#4. POINTLESS ACHIEVEMENT – BANJO-KAZOOIE: NUTS & BOLTS (XBOX 360)
As the famous playwright Billy Shakes once quipped, “What’s in a name?” and to answer that rhetorical question we turn to the aptly titled “Pointless Achievement” found in the LOG’s Lost Challenge DLC for Banjo-Kazooie: Nuts & Bolts. Once you’ve spent your 400 hard-earned MSP and resume your build-a-bear inspired adventure, you’ll be whisked away to Showdown Town, where the rear of Mumbo‘s Garage will host the new portal to LOG’s Lost Challenges. Now quick, where would the portal we just described be located? If you’ve answered ‘at the rear of Mumbo‘s Garage’, then congratulations, you’ve earned the achievement! That’s right, just hauling your trolley over to the correct door will earn this ‘cheevo – next they’ll just reward you for downloading the DLC…
#3. AND THE WINNER IS… – KAMEO: ELEMENTS OF POWER (XBOX 360)
Hardly content with transforming herself into a few lethal creatures, Kameo of titular Elements of Power fame was rewarded with a wealth of new transformations inspired by the fans, who in turn were rewarded with a spangly useless achievement. Found inside the Design-A-Skin DLC Pack, players were tasked with the mammoth turmoil of… downloading the DLC – only then could they reap the rewards with their very own ‘cheevo for doing so. While we would normally recommend such a simple task to our dunderheaded friends for some easy G’s, Rare has gone the extra mile by having the achievement award you with none whatsoever. So, thanks for the thought Rare, but we’ll be sure to pay attention to our download queue next time to make sure it’s finished and save ourselves a notification.
#2. STOP ‘N’ SWOP II FOUND – OH NO, NOT AGAIN – BANJO-TOOIE XBLA (XBOX 360)
Aging well over a decade, the infamous Stop ‘N’ Swop feature made a smooth transition to Xbox Live when Banjo-Kazooie XBLA was released alongside Banjo-Kazooie: Nuts & Bolts with the option intact. While there was proper incentive for nabbing up the items in achievements and rewards in both titles, the inclusion of Banjo-Tooie brought with it the pseudo-cheevo “Stop ‘N’ Swop II – Oh No, Not Again!. While it’s not an official achievement of sorts, you’re still expected to run out a list of mundane tasks that fall under the Stop ‘N’ Swop II header for all the work and none of the reward. Since its debut on April 29th 2009 following the release of Banjo-Tooie, the feature sits as disused as its predecessor, mocking your efforts and allowing a further three useless eggs to become pidan in the meantime.
#1. RICKROLLED – KINECT SPORTS: SEASON TWO (XBOX 360)
If you have any doubts about your own love of Rare, let it be known; they’re never going to give you up, they’re never going to let you down. They will never run around, and desert you. Unless you manage to do horrendously during one of the events in Kinect Sports: Season Two, that is. Rather than pumping through the usual celebratory tune for a job well done, your efforts will be lamented with Rick Astley’s “Never Gonna Give You Up” – a music video that gained notoriety on the Internet as the meme Rickroll. Delivering in spades, Rare has resurrected the five year old song and dance with a song and dance that has since become synonymous with subterfuge and satire. Literally mocking you in front of loved ones as you play, the Rickrolled achievement finds you at your weakest and adds insult to injury. Thanks, Rare.
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