Top 5 Most Notorious Rare Toilets
Most games that feature toilets treat them as background aesthetics; hidden inside stalls or restrooms where their porcelain presentation will bore you to tears. Not so in Rare games, as each artist and programmer toiled away at crafting the boldest bowls and the toughest tanks. These toilets have moxie, kid, they’re turning heads and spewing up catch phrases – among other things – to earn a legacy. What have you done lately? That’s what we thought.
Rounding up the Top Five Most Notorious Rare Toilets was no simple feat, and while we wish we could have expanded the list to encompass all bathroom fixtures in the Rare universe, let’s be honest, this list is silly enough as it is. Without further ado the entire list may be found below, hurry on before one of these beasts gurgles at me again.
#5. MY BEAUTIFUL CLAGGINESS – CONKER’S BAD FUR DAY
“Hold on,” I hear you preemptively calling out. “The Great Mighty Poo may be a fantastic boss, but what’s this massive monster got to do with toilets? I was promised a quirky list above and now my basic toiletry needs aren’t satisfied!” Well the Great Mighty Poo of Conker’s Bad Fur Day is massive, but there’s something other than this boss that’s even more massive… The toilet he lives inside… Think about it, the only way to defeat the Great Mighty Poo is by pulling a large chain which in turn flushes him down the center of the room, exposing a pit when it’s finished. That sounds like a toilet to me, and what makes it so notorious is that it harbored a boss fight inside of itself and singlehandedly managed to deliver the final blow to defeat said boss all by itself. Oh, and I guess you helped too… a bit.
#4. COOPER IN THE POOPER – CONKER: LIVE & RELOADED
After Conker’s Bad Fur Day came it’s polished remake in 2005, Conker Live and Reloaded which saw you completing the same game – mostly – with spangly new graphics and a remastered score. One of the new additions was featured in the file selection screen wherein the previous pitch black Game 1 area was filled out to host a single toilet in the Cock and Plucker. If you happened to select Game 1 the stall doors would open and the screen would fade, but not before you got a glimpse of a boy garbed in green knelt over the toilet dry heaving. The iconic shirt and spiky hair should be enough to put a face to the name as this porcelain patron is leading star Cooper from Grabbed by the Ghoulies fame, which was released just two years earlier.
#3. SOMEONES LEFT A FLOATER! – PERFECT DARK
While Joanna Dark is prepared to deal with Presidential Conspiracies and ancient alien threats, you can have her throw her training away and inspect toilets for half an hour if you’re so inclined. In more elaborate terms, if you choose the Chicago – Stealth mission in Perfect Dark you’ll find yourself in the rainy streets downtown. While most of the mission will take place outside alleyways and sewage drains, you’ll be able to venture inside a restroom harboring a few stalls – without doors even. Inspecting the toilet in the middle of the three stalls you’ll come across a single piece of cheese floating in the water. While there’s one hidden piece of swiss cheese in every level, this toilet begs the question; are you really going to try fishing it out?
#2. FINISH THE JOB JAMES, ON THE CAN – GOLDENEYE 007
The events of Goldeneye 007 follow the film to a near absolute science, so it’s no question that the bathroom scene inside the Arkhangelsk Chemical Weapons Facility was included as well. MI6 sees their 00 Agent to snake through a ventilation shaft and descend upon the unsuspecting guards below where he can get to doing his business – which happens to be what the guard is up to in the stall just ahead. You can choose to fire a silenced shot at the guards head peeking out over the top to send him off like Elvis, or alternately you can drop down to open his door and say hello. Whatever you choose, the toilets in the Facility remain as the most iconic plumbing fixtures to be featured in a First Person Shooter to date. Finish the job James, on the can.
#1. LOGGOS GOT QUITE THE POTTY MOUTH – BANJO-KAZOOIE
As difficult as it is to give a toilet personality, this feat becomes incredibly easy once you’ve given them sentience. Case in point, Loggo from the Banjo-Kazooie series is a talking, thinking, – possibly breathing – toilet, which makes us wonder if idle chit-chat aids the awkward fact that someone is grunting out their lunch into his mouth. Truly the most interactive toilet on this list, Loggos pipes were open for Banjo and Kazooie to retrieve a Jiggy that had found it’s way into his tank in the first game. He appeared once again in Banjo-Tooie inside Grunty Industries where the duo were tasked with unclogging him and lastly in Banjo-Kazooie: Nuts and Bolts in the form of a large exhibit leaking an unidentified yellow liquid from his tank…
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