Top 5 Exhaustive Rare Matchmaking Sidequests (Valentines Special 2014)

by Lerako on Feb 14th, 2014

Eugh, Valentine’s Day – if you’re not bearing witness to a couple so saccharinely saturated that it offends all six of your senses it’s likely that you’re one of them yourself, staring doe-eyed at your so-called soul mate, cooing sweet and meaningless nothings to each other for an entire day, the horror, the horror. As a cold, emotionless robot programmed to formulate Top 5 lists through a rigorous series of painful algorithms, I have removed the need for basic affection through comprehensive knowledge of Rare games. Unfortunately, Rare has foiled our plans for escapism, filling their titles with adorable couples, blossoming romances and thriving relationships – most of which you’ll have a hand in, devoting your time and effort into building a fledging partnership for someone else. Lovesick already? You’ll want to do your level best to avoid the following. These are the Top 5 Exhaustive Rare Matchmaking Sidequests!

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#5. REUNITING GEORGE AND MILDRED ICE CUBE – BANJO-KAZOOIE: NUTS & BOLTS (XBOX 360)

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After a rather unsuccessful attempt (see: unwitting double homicide) to rejoin George and Mildred Ice Cube in Banjo-Tooie, the Bear and Bird were provided a chance to patch things up in Banjo-Kazooie: Nuts & Bolts. After managing to sleep-slide away from his betrothed in BanjoLand Act One, George has found himself in the sweltering heat of the Gobi’s Valley exhibit, desperate to reunite with Mildred before he’s melted away entirely. You’ll have to rely on a L.O.G’s Choice vehicle for this mission, an awkward catcher-type vehicle that loses traction on the ice as well as the sand – a perfect storm of aggravation should you attempt to best the Trophy time. If you can keep George from sliding out of your grasp and onto the floor, you’ll reunite the couple at the Freezeezy Peak exhibit. Almost worth the heartache. Almost.

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#4. BACHELOR’S BARE ESSENTIALS – DONKEY KONG COUNTRY 3 (GAME BOY ADVANCE)

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Marooned on Lake Orangatanga and without anyone to share in the crippling isolation, Bachelor Bear is on the prowl, planning himself a hot date with a lovely bachelorette in the Northern Kremisphere. Unfortunately, the aspiring Casanova has forgotten to pick up a box of chocolates and a rose and tasks Dixie and Kiddy Kong to act on his behalf. A trek across the Northern Kremisphere awaits, as the Kong‘s will need to seek out 20 Bear Coins to purchase the box of chocolates from Bazaar Bear inside his ludicrously expensive General store. After a bit of frivolous spending, and three boss fights, the sought-after rose can be traded off from Bramble Bear, a botanist living at the peak of Cotton Top Cove. Surprising his date with the gifts, Bachelor lines himself up with a second date – here we go again…

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#3. GETTING WELL-ENDOWED WITH THE BIRDS AND THE BEES – CONKER’S BAD FUR DAY (N64)

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While the Red Squirrel’s own relationship seems to be on the brink, he finds himself nonetheless enlisted by the King Bee who has being kicked out of his own hive by his wife. Rather than patch up the matrimonial issue at hand however, the King Bee has his sights set upon a well-endowed Sunflower to ‘pollinate’. In order to have her open up to the idea of having an extramarital affair, Conker will have to gather several swarms of pacifist Tickly Bees that tend to cluster out of sight around treacherous ledges. Seeking all five swarms is a challenge in itself, with much of the legwork leading to acrophobic heights where slightest misstep will send Conker plummeting down far below, with certain death resetting the events and sending the Tickly Bees skyward. The ensuing ‘polination’ scene is worth it for Conker‘s reactions alone though.

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#2. SAVE THE LAST ROMANCE DANCE: FOR YOUR SANITY – VIVA PIÑATA (XBOX 360)

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So, you’ve managed to spruce up your garden a bit; you’ve taken your trowel to the old rubbish, laid down a fresh coat of nutrient-heavy soil, and Leafos can walk through without stepping on glass shards. Naturally the native Piñata‘s will become residents if they like what they see, but if you hope to play matchmaker and have two residents fall hopelessly in love like you never will, you’ll have to satisfy their bizarrely specific requirements. Some pairs of Piñata‘s take seconds to pair off with a bit of supply gathering, others can take hours as you spend your Chocolate Coins customizing your garden and trying to appease them in the name of love. With their requirements finally met, the two will prepare for their Romance Dance with a final Romancing Mini-Game maze to test your mettle. It’s enough to make you lovelorn.

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#1. FREDDY’S BLOOMING ORCHID QUEST – SABREWULF (GAME BOY ADVANCE)

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After returning to his adventuring roots, Sabreman finds his most challenging task ahead, not from Sabrewulf, but rather a man named Freddy in Blackwyche Village, who makes a seemly innocent request for five rare Orchids to present to a woman he’s smitten for. If Sabreman hopes to collect each Orchid, he’ll need to embark on a series of elaborate trades, not limited to besting a man named Tom Leaf at drinking tea, trekking across the land to take photographs for Wesley Snaps and stitching together a fur coat for a nude man named Seymour Butts (seriously). With his mammoth task over, Sabreman returns with Orchids in hand, which Freddy uses to propose with. Luckily Jayne accepts the proposal and the two are wed in front of the town, while Captain Fingers attends dressed as a cow. Bit strange that one…

Categories: Top 5 Lists