Top 5 Cruellest Rare Jokes (That Were Hilarious in Hindsight)
Being a Rare fan puts you in a bit of a love-hate relationship; we love Rare and they hate us, apparently.
At least, that’s what we’ve managed to gather so far with their wicked sense of humor – the likes of which have seen hapless gamers unwittingly lead into elaborate practical jokes, determined to make them look a fool.
Some of Rare‘s best gags were remorselessly apologetic, coming clean straight afterwards for you to have a sigh of relief – but others were relentless in having a good cheap laugh at your expense.
We’re of course going to mostly focus on the latter, because some traumatic memories never fade, and tragedy plus time always equals comedy. These are the Top 5 Cruellest Rare Jokes (That Were Hilarious in Hindsight)
#5. BOTTLES ISN’T PLAYING ANYMORE, AND NEITHER WILL YOU – BANJO-KAZOOIE (N64)
Short-sighted mole and mental mentor, Bottles is prepared to teach the aviary-ursine duo everything they need to know in Spiral Mountain if you’d like his help. If you deny his knowledge and attempt to coax him from his molehills at any point afterward however, the mud muncher will tell you to stop wasting his time since you’re adequately equipped. If you proceed to bully up on him though, the short-sighted mole will get short-tempered and decide to erase your entire gamepak after you’ve ignored his latest warning. Luckily Banjo apologizes before Bottles finishes his countdown, keeping your progress (and sanity) intact. Since the Cheat Codes in Treasure Trove Cove inspire a similar threat from Bottles, believing that your entire cartridge is about to be wiped does provide predictable reactions. Mostly screaming.
#4. CHALLENGE TWENTY-ONE CONSOLATION PRIZE – GRABBED BY THE GHOULIES (XBOX)
If you can manage to beat Grabbed by the Ghoulies, collect all 100 mandatory Bonus Books and score gold prizes on the 20 provided Bonus Challenges, you’ll unlock the impressively difficult Challenge 21. Tailor made for experts of Cooper’s haunted house romp and masochists all the same, Play It Again, Son tasks Cooper‘s girlfriend, Amber with trouncing the Hall a second time with only ten health per room for a chance at a shiny Platinum medal. If you can manage to make it to the bitter end after much determination, sweat and likely tears, Baron Von Ghoul will reward you with a bronze medal – for effort! Before you can crumble into a mess of sobs and swearing however, the Baron will reveal that he’s only joking: Challenge 21 awards Platinum prizes regardless. Funny as broken ribs, Von Ghoul…
#3. THE TRUTH HURTS (YOUR NOTE SCORE) – BANJO-KAZOOIE: NUTS & BOLTS (XBOX 360)
As one of Rare‘s most heavily discussed mysteries, Stop ‘N’ Swop has been the butt of more jokes than any Killer Instinct 3 teaser could ever hope to achieve. Supposed answers have been offered in Banjo-Pilot and Grabbed by the Ghoulies as false leads and red herrings, though the biggest tease finds itself in Banjo-Kazooie: Nuts & Bolts, where Bottles offers to reveal all for a modest fee of 6000 notes. Unfortunately, you’re about to be had in two separate and equally depressing ways. First, your collecting spree will come short, as there aren’t 6000 notes in the game collectively, and second, purchasing the Stop ‘N’ Swop Truth just has Bottles mutter another thinly-veiled threat before pocketing your notes for himself. The jokes on you short stuff; we lost hope to the point of mindless speculation in the forums long ago.
#2. KING K.ROOL’S ACTING ABILITY DESERVES SOME KREDIT – DONKEY KONG COUNTRY (SNES)
So, you’ve just managed to power through the whole of Donkey Kong Country, collected enough bananas along the way to warrant some extra continues and prepare for your final showdown with King K. Rool aboard the Gang-Plank Gallon. It goes without saying that there’s going to be a bit of trial and error nailing down the correct patterns, but after some lengthy memorizing and lightning quick reflexes you manage to usurp the King as he collapses in defeat. As the credits begin to roll, you place the controller on the floor and sit back for a breather – now that you’re in a completely vulnerable position the false credits are cut short as K. Rool rises back up and charges without warning. Fumbling with your controller you look up to see K. Rool on top, your efforts wasted in the meantime. Well, who’s up for round two?
#1. LEAFOS GIVES SAGE ADVICE, GARDEN TIPS AND BOLD-FACED LIES – VIVA PIÑATA (XBOX 360)
Despite its colorful exterior, Viva Piñata is anything but self-explanatory; each native inhabitant and eventual resident has a laundry list of romance and denizen requirements that require labor intensive commitment. Luckily, if you’re looking for a push in the right direction, tutorial maiden Leafo‘s has you covered. Sparking up a chat as she wanders around the garden, you’ll manage to coax some key gardening tips out of her before she returns to her bordered house, and as an added bonus she’ll mix in some absolutely fabricated Piñata myths to keep you on your toes as well. Separating the fiction from falsehood is one thing, but when she provides both so frequently it can become rather difficult indeed. Whether it’s cross-breeding impossible Piñata‘s, or providing invalid residential requirements, Leafo‘s has made April fools of us all.
Categories: Top 5 Lists
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