Top 5 Amazing Ways Rare Managed to Openly Mock Us (For Being So Rubbish)

by Lerako on Jan 16th, 2014

If you’ve ever attempted to entertain your guests by playing video games in front of them, you’re likely familiar with the term, “Backseat Gaming”. This stems from the nagging voice of your loyal observer who helpfully points out (see: nearly snatches the controller away) the proper ways to play, as you’re much too thick to figure it out yourself.
Now, this is clearly unfair, because eventually that friend will have to go home, or get better friends with more socializing skills, and you’ll be left all alone to continue running into walls and angering your parents, who honestly expected more.
Luckily Rare has managed to remedy this situation somewhat with scathing criticism of their own, turning the entire game against the hapless player in what could be equated to a heavy sigh of disappointment. Just look what you’ve done…
These are the Top 5 Amazing Ways Rare Managed to Openly Mock Us (For Being So Rubbish).

---

#5. THE LORD OF GAMES GIVES A HELPFUL TIP – BANJO-KAZOOIE: NUTS & BOLTS (XBOX 360)

---

It’s fair to say that Banjo-Kazooie: Nuts & Bolts was a bit of a departure from the established series, or as much as shifting gameplay mechanic to garage mechanic will allow – so to quell the masses who might need some pushing in the right direction, the Lord of Games has filled his screen with helpful tips. Whenever a loading screen presented itself, L.O.G. would sweep in the interim, providing players with pointers on vehicle building, navigating Showdown Town and unlocking achievements. If you managed to exhaust all of L.O.G.‘s advice and still needed help however, he had saved his best for last: “Tip number 46! If you’re still struggling after all these hints, time to follow Uncle Tusk’s old adage and stop being so rubbish!” Ouch. It might be brutally honest, but it’s a time-honored tip that hasn’t served us wrong yet.

---

#4. INTERCOM INTERVENTION – CONKER’S BAD FUR DAY/LIVE & RELOADED (N64/XBOX)

---

In a harrowing tale that rocketed Conker from the seedy Cock & Plucker to the edges of the Universe, the Squirrels final task involves grappling with an alien named Heinrich (It makes sense in context) and sending it out into space through the airlock. During the showdown you’ll manage to hear a supposedly-automated robotic voice drone on about the compromised air pressure, but if you’re especially appalling the commentary becomes personal and vitriolic. “You’re not very good at this, are you?“, the monotonous voice questions if you string on the fight too long, and if you manage to miss the target a few times too many you’re treated to, “No, not the wall – it’s the large exit thing you want to be aiming for… idiot.” Conker is grappling with a side-splitting hangover – what’s your excuse for playing so poorly?

---

#3. PERHAPS IF SIR WOULD KINDLY STOP PLAYING… – GRABBED BY THE GHOULIES (XBOX)

---

During your initial romp around Ghoulhaven Hall, it’s likely that you’ll stumble across a number of coveted Bonus Books and inadvertently unlock a few Bonus Challenges in doing so. Once you’ve managed to collect 10 Bonus Books during the course of your adventure, you’ll have access to a Ghouly-rendition of tag, titled, “Bring Out The Imps!” The aim of the challenge is to avoid the aforementioned Imps as long as possible, with 12 seconds earning a bronze medal. A worse prize awaits still if you can end the game in under 11 seconds, which will spur Crivens into delivering the most formal insult ever, “Sir failed to win a medal! With such incompetence it’s a miracle Sir even managed to unlock this Bonus Challenge in the first place!” Standing as one of the hardest challenges in the game, you’ll be seeing this message. A lot.

---

#2. THE RESULTS ARE IN; YOU’RE A LOSER! – KINECT SPORTS RIVALS: PRESEASON (XBOX ONE)

---

If you’ve been following our Top 5 Wake Racing Strategies list, it’s likely that you’re leaving the competition behind in your wake – but if you’re really terrible, just awful on an awe-inspiring level, you might manage to float your Wake Racer across the finish line in dead last. It’s one thing for the commentator to announce “Last Place Finish” which genuine contempt in his voice, it’s another for the fanfare to stutter and musically deflate – but the pinnacle of shame for us has to be the anthem that plays on the following results screen, which repeat the lyrics: “Loser! Yeah, oh! You’re a loser! Yeah! You’re a such a loser! Yeah, you’ve been taken out!” The bewildering thing about this song is that as spiteful as the lyrics may be, as soon as it ends we just want to hear it again. Our own personal failure ballad, forever.

---

#1. TAKING THE EASY WAY OUT WITH EYEDOL WILL SHOW NO MERCY! – KILLER INSTINCT (SNES)

---

When Killer Instinct arrived on the SNES, it’s likely that quarters stopped being considered a precious metal, as players could not only face Eyedol outside of the arcade, but they could also set the difficulty to Easy and get there even faster! Just… hold on. If you managed to face off against the bicephalous boss, and win, you’d earn the following message: “Congratulations! You have defeated Ultratech‘s low end, garbage, obsolete, floor model, weak, on the verge of extinction, barely mobile, only can do a five hit combo, pathetic, yesterday’s news end boss. I hope you’re happy with yourself! Maybe you should up the stakes for a real challenge.” This screen was likely enough to have you toggle the options to ‘Extremely Hard’ and prove your worth – or reduce you to tears, it’s really one way or the other with these things…

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

Categories: Top 5 Lists