Top 5 Seriously Sinister Rare Snowmen
With mere days to go until a patron of obesity manages to shimmy down your chimney in a bid to devour your milk and cookies, we’ve decided to reflect on the holidays and peer deep into the occult rituals and unspeakable evils of the past. Wow, that took a turn. Look, we may have been stretching things before with our crusade against Evil Rare Vegetables, but our deep-seated conviction against Rare Snowmen is cemented in not only their history, but our history as well.
Take “Frosty The Snowman” – an innocent yet infectious holiday carol about a group of children who bestow Frankenstein-esque sentience on a rampaging snow creature who soon begins a murder spree that only quells when the police are involved. More or less. Join us as we comb through Rare‘s ranks of cheery snowmen and expose the truth this Christmas. These are the Top 5 Seriously Sinister Rare Snowmen.
#5.SLALOM SNOWMEN RANKS ARE RISING ON THE HORIZON – SLALOM (NES)
Slalom is already a terrifying beast on its own accord, with its breakneck speed and whiplash turns – so you’d hardly expect to be rustled by the jubilant snowmen that can be found along the slopes of Steep Peak and Mt. Nasty. Once you’ve managed to brave the latest hair-pin turn however, you’ll dash inadvertently into a formation of jeering snowmen deliberately placed in your path. Are these snowmen acting on their own volition? Without a doubt. Nobody would construct hundreds of identical snowmen and leave them in rows on treacherous mountain terrain. The only possible explanation that could exist, is that the Slalom Snowmen are cold and calculated creatures, biding their time forming elaborate rows and waiting for an unfortunate skier to plow into their ranks. They’ll smile, and salvage the clothing for their snow progeny.
#4. SHAPESHIFTING MR. FROSTY – SUPER BATTLETOADS ARCADE (ARCADE)
While the conventions might be ruined somewhat with flailing limbs and mindless gore, the Arctic Caverns in Super Battletoads can be quite picturesque with its holiday setting. A gentle snowfall, baubles hanging from every tree, the snowman that begins convulsing and transfigures itself in front of your eyes. Wait, what? Meet Mr. Frosty, a frozen bit of terror that masquerades as a friendly snowman with an adorable smile to match. Blending into the background and posing little threat, Mr. Frosty waits until you’ve gotten too close and then ditches the disguise – staring out into the Arcade with his narrow teeth bared and beady red eyes glaring as his transformation runs its course. Not only is this outrageously creepy, but it catches you off guard when Mr. Frosty starts tossing bits of his own body your way as well.
#3. 40 BELOW WINTER WARRIOR – KAMEO: ELEMENTS OF POWER (XBOX 360)
Reaching such a critical mass of transformations that external aid was needed, the aptly titled Kameo: Elements of Power marked Rare‘s first efforts in the online world of DLC, along with the first official add-on, the Winter Warrior Pack. A selection therein of festive alternate costumes just in time for the holidays suited Kameo cast, though the snowman skin for 40 Below might have been an early teaser for the Fright Warrior Pack instead. Lifeless coal eyes and a shifting set of lips that seem to always curl into a snarl just scratch the surface of this unsettling makeover. While our enemies may run from the sight of our holiday-ready 40 Below, it comes at the small price of giving us unrelenting nightmares that no psychologist has managed to diagnose or cure us of. Those eyes… those cold, empty, dead eyes…
#2. BOSS BLEAK – DONKEY KONG COUNTRY 3: DIXIE KONG’S DOUBLE TROUBLE (SNES)
Thumpity-Thump-Thump, thumpity-thump-thump, over the hills of snow; an accurate depiction of your irregular heartbeat and the chilling setting you’ll find responsible for your unexpected palpitations. This is Bleak’s House, the domain of K3‘s eponymous snowman boss who uses its trenches for cover as he engages the Kong‘s in a snowball fight. While Bleak naturally makes himself a large target – especially when he takes to the front lines and fires snow boulders from his top hat – you’ll have to hone in on his orange medallion around his neck. Once you’ve managed that, his deep, ominous laughter will echo around the hills and send chills up your spine. Defeat Bleak entirely and his cacophonous laughter will rise until he finally explodes on the spot, leaving the Kong‘s to celebrate and desperately try to forget his death rattle.
#1. GETTING UP CLOSE AND PERSONAL WITH SINISTER SIR SLUSH – BANJO-KAZOOIE (N64)
Greeting the harsh conditions of Freezeezy Peak and Click Clock Wood with a collection of hardened snowballs and malicious intent, the Sir Slush of Banjo-Kazooie fame are likely the most ill-tempered snowmen in Rare‘s history, though their light spirit seems to suggest otherwise. With a low, menacing laugh that would send Bleak running for the hills, the Sir Slush pack their snowballs and toss them with alarming pin-point accuracy at anything roughly bear-shaped. To make matters worse, the only way to clear out these unsavory snowmen is to find a flight pad and take to the skies in order to dislodge their top hats with an aerial attack, lending even more credence to the myth Frosty‘s top hat was also channeling a Candarian demon from the aether. That would at least explain their unwarranted bouts of unsettling laughter…
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