Top 5 Superfluous Wastes of Time (That We’ll Never Get Back)
Discounting the inevitable zombie apocalypse that will bring all of our gaming sensibilities to the surface for survival, squandering away hours in front of the television as the sun slowly rises and sets behind us is what our parents feared and school teachers warned us about.
“But games aren’t a waste of time,” I can hear you begin, “Writing top 5 lists about them are, obviously”.
Too right you are on that score, but before we get too carried away it’s time to take a glance back into Rare‘s lineage to find the biggest red herrings of them all! Wild goose chases, worthless weapons and useless objectives only scratch the surface of these idle tasks – each one frittering away your precious time than the last.
These are the Top 5 Superfluous Wastes of Time (That We’ll Never Get Back).
#5. AS USELESS AS FOOD TO THE FISH – JET FORCE GEMINI (N64)
Exploring your surroundings on Goldwood in Rare‘s interstellar epic Jet Force Gemini will ultimately benefit Juno and Vela, as an unassuming bit of wall opens to a large pond area just out of view. This hidden secret is further sweetened with the inclusion of a lone treasure chest on the far side of the shore – often used to harbor powerful weapons that the Gemini crew can add to their inventory. Opening the chest reveals a box of fish food, which the Star Twins can use to… feed the fish in the pond and nothing more. Where you expecting something else? The games description goes as far to apologize for having to explain its sole purpose, and even then doesn’t acknowledge that you’ve fed the fish from that point on. Best keep the empty box for the rest of the journey, just in case…
#4. MADAME GRUNTY’S FORTUNE TELLING TENT – BANJO-TOOIE (N64)
Located amongst the thrills and perilously unsafe carnival attractions, Madame Grunty’s Fortune Telling Tent will treat any unfortunate Bear and Bird duo to a game of chance and skill that Taboo: The Sixth Sense could only covet. There are a number of prizes to be won inside the tent, ranging from extra feathers to beatings administered by Grunty herself, the latter of which will chip away at your health mercilessly. There is method to the madness of course; if you’re especially lucky you’ll have Madame Grunty divulge in a secret cheat code unique to her tent, though the chances of this happening are extremely rare. In the meantime you’ll have to keep revisiting her tent and testing your luck, receiving unnecessary top offs, harsh beatings and less-than-satisfactory customer service until you do. Time well spent!
#3. BAFFLES ANAGRAMS – DONKEY KONG COUNTRY 3: DIXIE KONG’S DOUBLE TROUBLE (SNES)
Gaining admittance to Kastle KAOS in the third Kong Quest is no easy feat; it’ll take a bit of riddle solving on your part to help Baffle the Bear crack his code, which results in a cryptic clue that will lead Dixie and Kiddy to K.Rool‘s doorstep. After you’ve managed to solve the riddle, Baffle will continue offering his services to the Kongs like his brothers, and visiting his Code Room will have the Bear sprouting off scrambled messages, enticing the Kongs to solve his latest conundrum. Rearranging the anagrams and reflecting on his backward messages will reveal sought-after phrases like, “You’ve just wasted fifteen seconds” and “Haven’t you got anything better to do?” to the delight of avid puzzle enthusiasts everywhere. That’s a nice house you have, Baffle, it would certainly be a shame if AYNTIHGN HANPEPED OT TI…
#2. BOTTLE’S ‘BIG BOTTLES BONUS’ CHEAT CODES – BANJO-KAZOOIE (N64)
Taking a break away from adventuring and touring inside Banjos house will reveal some interesting developments, specifically a sentient portrait of Bottles who has set up a few moving picture puzzles. Each time you manage to complete an increasingly difficult frame, you’ll be rewarded with a special ‘Bottles Bonus’ Code to alter the duos physical appearance. Whether you fancy giving Banjo a massive head or find yourself partial to eerily long Kazooie limbs, each code will be rewarded for solving each subsequent game. After you’ve acquired all seven, you’ll be able to prance around like an elongated freak until you turn the game off – only then may all of your hard work be completely erased from your Game Pak, forever. You can always attempt the puzzles again, if you’re an absolute masochist about that sort of thing…
#1. CHEATO’S SARDONIC STOP ‘N’ SWAP SOLUTION – BANJO-PILOT (GBA)
While the supposed “Stop ‘N’ Swop Truth” may have been bartered from Bottles in Banjo-Kazooie: Nuts & Bolts for 6000 Notes, it made an even earlier appearance in Banjo-Pilot where it was included as an unlockable option to be purchased from sentient spellbook, Cheato. This was not to be taken lightly however, as only the most seasoned racers could hope to meet the requirements for Stop ‘N’ Swap, which included collecting a whopping 999 Cheato Pages and beating all of the Rare Staff Time Trials. After this mammoth task has been completed, Cheato reveals all, “‘So you want to know about Stop ‘n’ Swap, eh? I hope you’re ready. Here goes… Why don’t you stop annoying me and swap this game for a nice book or something?'” Sure Cheato, come closer – we’ll try not to tear…err…turn the pages too hard…
Categories: Top 5 Lists
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